If... then why?

Last week I eluded to the portion of scripture in which God promises His peace that “surpasses understanding” (found in Philippians 4:7).  For as long as I have read that verse, I have translated it to mean that the peace itself could not be understood. That the concept of God’s peace is just plain indescribable. For many, this verse means exactly that but for me, well...  In light of recent events I have come to know this verse to have a much deeper meaning, a deeper truth to stand on.  That sometimes it isn’t the peace that’s indescribable but life itself.  That when the circumstances or situations you are facing offer you little to no understanding, peace still comes.  That it trumps our need to have all of our questions answered, that before we have it all figured out, we can still walk in peace.

 

This is encouraging when you are facing big decisions and have questions like who, what, where or when (like when trying to find your purpose, deciding which college to attend, knowing whether or not to get peanut or regular M&M’s) but there is another set of questions that is much harder to leave unanswered.  To accept the peace without understanding.  They are the questions of “why”.

 

Why do bad things happen to good people?  Why did God allow Pastor Lori to die?  Why did she only get 47 years of life? Why was my faith not enough?  Why keep praying?  Why still believe in miracles?  If God can heal, then why didn’t He heal her?

 

The questions of why is often the cause for many Christians to lose faith altogether.  Because these questions will never be answered to our liking or to the extent that we think we need them to be.  The answers will never be good enough to replace what was lost.  I am facing the darkest times of my life right now and I can tell you that the answers are not, and will never be, “enough”.

 

The only comfort I find is when I allow myself to move beyond understanding and accept the peace.  The peace that guards my heart and mind.  The peace that reminds me of the words in Proverbs 3:5-6 to “trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean NOT on your own UNDERSTANDING.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths”.  The peace that… surpasses… understanding.

 

When Jesus was being crucified He hung between two men.  The first man looked at Jesus and asked Him “if…then why”.  If you are the son of God, then why can’t you call angels down to save you?  Many of us can relate to this man.  If you think of the brevity of the situation then you know why he asked such a thing.  Jesus had done miracles on earth.  Raised the dead, fed five thousand with a child’s lunch, opened the eyes of the blind, healed the sick; unbelievable things.  Pulling Himself off of a cross in which he was only held up by three wooden nails was nothing in comparison to all of these, so then why?  Why did He have to stay there?  If He is the son of God, then why?  If He is capable then why?  

 

The second thief didn’t care of the reason why, even though I am sure he thought of it too.  Instead the thief asked to join Jesus in heaven.  If everything He said was true, then no matter his lack of answers- he wanted what Jesus had promised.  The first man asked for understanding while the second man asked for eternal life.  The first man looked at his situation while the second looked at his Savior.

 

I can’t say that in this moment I feel much like the second thief.  In my heart, I want to.  I want to rejoice that Pastor Lori is whole and complete and walking with Jesus.  That she won the ultimate prize.  That this was the best for her even if it was what feels like the worst for us.  Even if it was not what we set our faith out for.  I want to REALLY believe this, but right now it is a truth that I am not fond of.  I am not ok.  I am not rejoicing… yet.

 

I may not get my answers here on earth, you may not either for whatever situation you are facing, and we have to be willing to accept that.  There are just some things that will never be understood.  We only see a small part of the greater picture and it isn’t our job to always know why.  It is our job to trust and be led by God, and He in His goodness allows peace to come in spite of our lack of answers.  Because the peace surpasses understanding.  

 

Life may not always be good but God is.  Trust Him.  He can be trusted.

 

 

 

Ephesians 3:1-4

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: 

A time to be born, and a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance;

The Victory is Finally Complete

Philippians 4:7 "and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,

will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

 

Peace which surpasses all understanding… all… understanding. 

 

Peace that wades through the aftermath of unimaginable circumstances and gives you the strength to get out of bed in the morning.  Peace that lifts up your head and allows you to face another day.  Peace that quiets the insurmountable pain and replaces confusion with stillness.  Peace that cannot and will never be understood, because it just doesn’t make sense. 

 

I need THAT kind of peace today.

 

 

*  *  *  *  *

 

Nine years ago I got a call that would forever change my life.  I had decided to not go the traditional college route after graduating high school and instead pursued my heart for ministry through a program called Master’s Commission.  This particular Saturday I was driving with a few friends to help out in a needy part of Roseville when the director of MC called to tell me that the Antekeier family had asked to be my host home for my first year.  It was a huge relief because this wonderful couple had been my youth pastors for the 3 years prior and I was excited to move into their home.

 

Cody and CJ, their two boys, had opted to share a room so that I could stay with them.  I had shared a room my whole life and new the independence that they were giving up.  I always appreciated that.  Throughout that year there were many many memories made, but even more so- lessons learned.  I learned what it meant to be a wife and a mother.  To be a youth pastor and a friend.  I learned how to really think about everything I said or did, and do things on purpose.  I learned how to prepare myself for things I wanted in life.  I learned how to ask forgiveness and get back up when I made a mistake.  I learned how to pay attention to detail and to do things with excellence.  I learned what meekness not weakness looked like.  Pastor Lori modeled it all.  I learned so much that year and for the nine years following it and still had so much more to learn. 

 

*  *  *  *  *

 

Last night my husband and I got another kind of call.  The call that comes in the middle of the night and shakes you to the core of your being.  She was gone.  My Pastor Lori was gone.  This amazing woman who had become like a second mother was gone.  After an incredible battle with leukemia, she would leave her earthly body and meet her Jesus in the sky.

 

I can’t tell you the amount of hurt that I have faced today.  I am sure it is nothing in comparison to what her family is facing.  With any loss you have questions of “why her” or “why now”.  The questions intensify and turn from grief to anger.  With fists clenched you want to scream at the sky and get some answers but there are no answers to be found.  I hate that there are no answers… but even without them I will still trust my Father in heaven.  I have questions but even greater, I have a Father who covers me with His peace that surpasses my need to understand.

 

I am reminded in this moment of when Paul said in Philippians 1- “ I’m torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me. But for your sakes, it is better that I continue to live.”  It was better for her to go.  To be at peace.  To be whole and healed, dancing with her Savior whom she loved so much.  But for me, and for so many others it was not better.  It is not better.  When I think of me I am saddened and angry, but when I think of my Pastor Lori I am relieved.  She lived a selfless life, and in this moment I need to learn one last lesson from her- to be selfless.  

 

For myself and many others I am hurting, but for you I am so thankful.

You can rest now Momma, you can be with your Jesus and rest.

 

"Faith fights so we fight in faith until the victory is complete". 

She has fought.  She has won the ultimate prize- heaven. 

The victory is finally complete.

To Each Their Own

As a mother of two boys I have heard my fair share of screams.  There is the “brother has my toy” scream, the “you’re not paying attention to me” scream, the “I’m too tired to communicate” scream, the “I hurt myself” scream, the “I’m dying” scream and then, the worst of all, the “I just got a shot” scream.  Not I’ve BEEN shot.  But the… “you took me to the dr. and they pierced my innocent skin with what seems like a ten inch needle that reached to the depths of my soul” kind of shot. 

 

Taking my five year old into the doctor’s for anything that requires a shot is pretty much my sign to prepare myself for total embarrassment because the world is about to end.  He literally screams at the nurse with huge crocodile tears and every time I feel like the worst mother imaginable.  Realizing that this can be such a traumatic event (as it was for me also growing up), I made sure to speak very nicely when the nurse came in to give my youngest son his round of shots for his one year old checkup.  I am sure this is the part of the job that they dislike the least, unless they are a special kind of person who thrives on torturing children.  I think I have met a few of those.  In this case it was a sweet elderly woman and I braced myself for what was sure to be a doosy.  I held Jacob’s legs down, turned away, and closed my eyes as if the action of not seeing would actually help the situation.  And then I heard something that I had never heard before…

 

“I’ve never gotten that reaction” the nursed said as she was putting his clothes back on.  What reaction?  Is he ok?  Did he die?  Did you even go through with it?  What happened exactly?

 

I looked up at the nurse who was smiling from ear to ear and she simply said- “he scowled at me”.  Instead of screaming bloody murder or kicking her in the face as justifiable payback, Jacob just simply took it like a baby and scowled. 

 

I could hardly believe it so I decided to go against my motherly instinct of closing my eyes and watched his face as he got his most recent immunizations.  Sure enough, my little 19 month old albino baby looked straight into the nurse’s eyes and after getting three shots his once smiling face turned into one of silent anger.  I didn’t know whether to be proud or frightened of him.  What kind of a baby just scowls?

 

After writing the blog last week on “What The What” I have gone through my own plethora of feelings as we all do in the course of a week.  We never know what life will throw at us or how to prepare ourselves for such an event.  And in each situation I have come to realize that everyone reacts differently.  There is no “right” or “wrong” way to feel.  They just are what they are.  Reactions.  Feelings. 

 

It would be so much easier to not feel, to not have to deal with the filtering of our own emotions.  To just know the right thing, believe the right thing and do the right thing without the constant nagging of feelings getting in the way.  Life would be so much easier that way.  To not have to look at a mirror and FEEL worthless, FEEL like a failure, FEEL weak, FEEL invisible, FEEL anything that isn’t the truth that the Word speaks about us.  But we do have those feelings.  Some may cry, some scream, some scowl, but we all have our own unique feelings.

 

I don’t know what you are facing, what mountain of an emotion that has come up in your own life, but I am praying for you.  I am praying that the feeling and all of the reasons for it will be silenced by the peace that comes from the Word of God.  That you would rest in Him knowing that it may not be all right in this moment but He is enough to get you through.  That sometimes you don’t have the strength to stare something in the face and say “You shall not pass” but you can look calmly into the eyes of the one who has hurt you and whisper to yourself “despite how I feel right now, I still choose to forgive you” even if it is with a scowl on your face.  And then tomorrow when you wake up and that thing rises back up you remind yourself that you still choose to forgive.  And you choose it for every day after that. 

 

I do not write this as one who feels they have it all together, but as one who has had her own strength drained from her body.  One who’s assurance has now been replaced with a quiet confusion.  One who’s own voice has been reduced to a whisper.  I choose God over this hurt; I choose truth over this feeling, I CHOOSE.  It hurts and I don’t understand but I choose.  I am not reacting or handling it like that person over there, but I choose.  It’s taking a little longer than expected but I choose.   What happened wasn’t right but it doesn’t mean that I have to sacrifice my righteousness for it, I STILL CHOOSE.  You can do it.  We can do it.  With all the boldness of a lion or the meekness of a sheep... to each their own.

 

  

2 Corinthians 12:9

"But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!"  AMP

WHAT-THE-WHAT… WHAT am I feeling?... THE reason is… WHAT does the Word say?