Dear Students

Dear Students,

 

The last three and a half years (two and a half as your youth pastor) have been filled with great talks, memorable nights, and an innumerable amount of gut busting laughs- but there are still a few things I want to say.  Things I know in my heart you need to hear especially now that God is transitioning us on and I pray that you will take these words to heart.

 

You are ready.  

 

Jesus had three years with His disciples.  Three years to pour His life into them and teach them all of His ways.  Three years to laugh with them, cry with them, and do life with them.  But after those three years He was crucified and put in a grave.  I can guarantee you that for those three days the disciples talked about how they weren’t ready for Him to go.  How they didn’t understand why He had to die.  I am sure they said some of the things you have been thinking, and honestly I am so thankful for that.  It means that Pastor Rich and I have done what we are called to do.  I am certainly NOT comparing us to Jesus because we fail daily but I am wanting you to see how these twelve men handled the transitioning of someone who loved and led them.  I want you to see that you are ready for this even if you think you are not.  You are.  It is ok to have questions, to be angry, or to be sad.  It is ok.  But do not forget that you are ready, God would not be calling us to go if He didn’t believe in you, which leads me to the second thing…

 

God has not forgotten about you.  

 

Before Jesus was betrayed He spoke to the disciples about what was to come.  He talked to them about how they would grieve but how He would send them someone to comfort them.  John 16: 5-7 reads “But now I am going away to the one who sent me, and not one of you is asking where I am going.  Instead, you grieve because of what I’ve told you. But in fact, it is best for you that I go away, because if I don’t, the Advocate won’t come. If I do go away, then I will send him to you.”  The Advocate.  (I love that word used to describe the Holy Spirit but that is another post for another day.)  Jesus told the disciples that He had to go so another could have a voice in their lives.  We believe with all of our hearts that our time with you was needed and appointed by God, but now He is calling for some new voices.  Give them a chance.  Whoever they may be.  Yes, Pastor Rich and I are moving and yes, we know in our hearts that God is the one leading us to do so, but this does not mean that He has forgotten about you.  He is bigger than that. God is calling us to go, but He is also calling others to come.  They will be the ones you need for this new season, just as we needed Jesus to go so the Holy Spirit could come and be with us as a constant voice of encouragement and conviction.  Our move may seem only for us, but it is for you too.  And lastly…

 

You will do great things

 

We all need many people to help guide us through this crazy thing called life.  Many. People.  These voices are there to encourage us because if we are honest with ourselves, life isn’t all that encouraging sometimes.  Despite what you have gone through, or maybe what you are still going through, you were designed with greatness inside of you.  The twelve disciples did AMAZING works after Jesus was crucified, came back to life and ascended to heaven.  Amazing works.  They did them because they allowed what they were taught to work as the foundation for their lives, and not merely something to leave behind as they moved on.  Remember what we’ve taught you from the Word of God.  Remember the many things God has brought you through.  Do not forget them.  Use them as your foundation to do great things. 

 

We love you.  We believe in you.  We are so thankful God chose us for this season to be a voice in your lives.  And if you find yourself in a few days, a few weeks or even a few years needing us just remember that a voice can be heard from across a room, or across the world.  So pick up a phone!   It is with a heavy heart we say goodbye.  But know that this goodbye is only for now, it is not for always.

 

You are ready, God has not forgotten about you, and you will do great things!!!

 

 

1 Corinthians 3:7

It’s not the one who plants or the one who waters

who is at the center of this process but God, who makes things grow.

Making Monsters Human Again

We are a few months into our adoption process, and boy is it a process.  Many things involve huge stacks of paper and long interviews but I think this process is the most rewarding of them all.  Just the thought of holding our little girl puts a smile on my face and brings tears to my eyes.  I love adoption.  Everything about it.  Well… almost everything.

 

Somewhere in the world there is a mother and a father that are letting go of their child so that our family could welcome her in.  Somewhere in the world there is a woman who stuck it out through 9 months of pregnancy and the pain of labor for her.  Somewhere in the world there is a man who willingly or unwillingly will come to the conclusion that he cannot father her.  Somewhere in the world there are birth parents for our daughter that together created her, and honestly it’s a little hard to stomach.

 

There will always be a piece of our daughter that wants that connection; there will always be questions that I may not be able to answer. 

 

In one of our first classes we were going over the basics of adoption and I heard something that has stuck with me these past few months.  The instructor said that they encourage bio families to “meet the adoptive families in order for both sides to de-monster-ize the other”.  (Yea, I’m not even sure that’s a word and judging by the squiggly red line under it, my computer isn’t either).  Such an interesting thought!  Spending time with someone who may be built up in your head as a monster to make them human again.  Seriously, I love this.

 

I can recall many times in my own life when I have made judgments of a person that I had never even had a conversation with.  We do it all the time.  We assume that a person is “stuck up” when they don’t talk to us but just maybe they are an introvert and have a hard time opening up to people.  We assume that a person is “full of themselves” when they are constantly looking in a mirror but just maybe they are so self-conscious that they have to keep tugging at their clothes and making sure their hair is just right.  We assume that people have “everything” but just maybe they are secretly battling depression or anxiety and put on a happy face for show.  We assume a lot.  And those are just a few assumptions that were made of me as a teen.

 

Junior high and high school are hard.  We are trying to figure out who we are, what we believe, and what we are here for in the midst of everyone else trying to do the same.  Every time we turn around we see another absurdly beautiful or outrageously athletic girl that causes us to question our own place on the “totem pole”.  Where do we line up, we wonder.  Not knowing that this game of constant comparison is not only killing our own self esteem but making enemies of complete strangers at the same time.

 

I mean seriously, I hate the Victoria’s Secret models.  No one looks like that.  But in reality I don’t even know them.  I just know that I don’t like how I feel about myself when I see one which is not a reflection of them, but it is one of me.  They are not the enemy.  They are simply prompters of our own thoughts and emotions of ourselves.

 

So girls, here is my challenge for you… Find someone on your campus (or in your youth group) that you have been intimidated by or isolated from.  Someone who may make you feel inferior or at odds with them- and invite them to coffee.  Yea I know it sounds crazy but the truth is that when we spend time with people it really does de-monster-ize them.  They are no longer the big bad wolf but a fellow classmate or church goer with similar struggles or thoughts. And not only will we make a new friend in the process, but we will be refusing to play the comparison game and argot (yep that’s a word- it means “because of this”) build a little confidence of our own.

 

So be a friend and if you’re going to fight, fight the urge to compare!  You are beautiful!

 

 

 

 

Hebrews 13:2

Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers,

for by this some have entertained angels without knowing it.

You Again?

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas… ok so maybe it’s not really looking like Christmas but these cold mornings and the wonderful radio station that started playing Christmas music already has me in the Christmas mood.  As a child I remember watching White Christmas during this fall season and thinking how wonderful it would be to wake up and see snow.  It would be just perfect.  You could make snowmen and snow angels, have a snowball fight.  It sounds great doesn’t it?  White, wonderful, glorious, snow.

 

And then I come back to reality and realize that I hate being outside in the snow.  Seriously, it’s cold and wet and potentially very dangerous.  I tried snowboarding once (keyword TRIED) and it was awful.  I was talked into riding to the top of the mountain with this amazing guy that once up there laughed as I fell sideways into a mound of powder and left me there freezing my tush off until one of the workers came to rescue me.  A real gem that guy.  I married him.

 

When I think of snow now I think of that day.  I had a huge oversized snow jacket that weighed fifty pounds (that may be a slight exaggeration but not much of one) and these huge boots on.  After being left for what seemed like forever by myself on the side of a mountain I decided to wait inside for the remainder of the trip.  It was much safer for a girl like me in there.  I was there for hours in a stuffy lodge with this heavy coat and huge boots on stinking like a junior high boy because I had forgotten to take the snow items off.  I didn’t need them anymore but I had taken a mental vacation and didn’t realize it.

 

I’m reminded of that silly girl sitting in the lodge sometimes when crazy seasons of life hits.  When the storms come and unload barrels of snow onto your sunny days and seem to weigh you down.  When you reach for the jacket to protect yourself only to later realize that you have a lodge that you can run to for safety.  But once inside you sit there like a total nerd forgetting to take the dumb coat off so you don’t know which was more miserable- being outside trapped in the snow, or inside sitting in your own sweat. 

 

That heavy coat for me was the years that I battled with depression as a teenager.  Things would happen and this coat of sadness would drape over me causing me to be numb, protecting me from what I thought would hurt me but really all it was doing was preventing me from experiencing true joy.  I felt like a zombie walking through life until I went to a youth summer camp and a man introduced me to Jesus.  It was like running inside from the storm.  It was warm and inviting in the midst of total chaos, a safe place to hide from the storm, my refuge. 

 

Even though I had found my way inside, I still sometimes forgot to take off my jacket.

 

This summer has been quite the stormy season.  I’ve been bombarded with the feeling of being a complete failure as a youth pastor, doubting the very influence and calling to ministry with teen girls that I have held so dear for years.  I’ve lost the woman who was both like a mother and a mentor to me.  I’ve struggled with my place in helping someone dear to me as they completely alter their life.  I’ve felt lonely, sad, incompetent, hurt, betrayed, lied about, taken advantage of, run over, and even a little depressed.

 

Me?  A youth pastor?  A woman devoted to speaking into girl’s lives about facing their struggles with strength and dignity?  Yes, me. 

 

I was staring at that very same teenage girl who was safely inside but still weighed down under the heavy coat of life.  It’s like I could see her sitting in the room with me and all I could think was, “you again?”  That’s not me.  That’s not who I am anymore.  I am a new creation in Christ, old things have passed away and God has made all things new… right? 

 

Right…ish.  God can only renew what we surrender to Him.  Yes He is our refuge.  Yes He is our redeemer.  Yes He is our strength and our joy.  But He can only be that if we CHOOSE for Him to be.  We have to choose to give Him the old self, the old thoughts, the old ways of doing things.  The old ways of reacting with hurt and bitterness and sadness.  When we take off the coat and give over to our loving Father, He takes it and replaces it with a cardigan of comfort.  Yep, that’s right.  Long live the cardigans.

 

But it doesn’t stop there.  When stormy seasons hit, the devil will always be out there in the snow ready to hand that heavy coat to you again.

 

Don’t do it!  Run inside where you can be safe.  Yes the storms will rage.  Yes there might be some damage done.  Yes you may have to walk two miles uphill both ways to get to a place of refuge.  But it is there.  For you.  And for me.

 

So I decline your heavy coat Sir Satan, and you can shove it where the sun don’t shine.  That’s not me anymore.  I am not that girl.  I know my word and I choose to plant my feet in it and stand my ground. 

 

 

Psalm 91:4-7

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.  You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.

Put that down!

Most of my best mom moments happen when I am distracted.  And by “best” mom moments, I mean to say that the ones I wish I could have prevented for various reasons but find quite funny looking back.  The most memorable example yet happened only a few months back…

 

While sitting in our soon to be little girl’s room (which is another post for another day, but in short we are adopting a little girl- yay!  I will post more about that later), I found myself deeply lost in a phone conversation.  Normally I am pretty great at multitasking and keeping an eye out on my kiddos while I am on the phone but on this day, I most certainly was not paying close enough attention.

 

In one few second lull in the conversation I realized that I hadn’t heard Jacob (my feisty almost two year old) make much noise in the last few minutes even though he had been playing in the same room that I had wandered into.  While not too concerned at first, I casually looked over the room.  Still talking to my friend of course.  I spotted his feet sticking out from beside the bed, close to where I had placed my purse and I slowly sauntered in that direction.  Still talking… As I got closer to where Jacob had planted himself on the floor I realized that not only was he close to my purse but he was also equally close to our cat’s litter box.  I was still talking.

 

I covered the phone to whisper “Jacob” in hopes to get his attention and see what my little guy was up to.  At that moment Jacob turned around, and well- I stopped talking.  Jacob was holding something between his thumb and pointer finger that I couldn’t really recognize from the short distance between us. From where I was standing it could have easily been a tossup between a tootsie roll found in my purse or a piece of cat turd from the little box of horrors. And before I put two thoughts together to move forward to get to him, Jacob had put said unidentified object into his mouth.  

 

There was a moment of disbelief that followed.  A battle of thoughts going on in my head that caused what I am sure was only a second to feel like minutes- was that a tootsie or a turd?  TOOTSIE OR TURD child??!!!  And then when I had snapped out of it, I quickly opened his mouth, stuck my finger in and pulled out the worst smelling piece of soggy cat poop that I had smelled in a while.  I almost barfed.

 

What in the world prompted my child to not only pick up, but subsequently place in his mouth, a piece of cat turd?!  Does he have no sense of smell or common sense?  I know he is a baby and all but when exactly do we get the “poop is not a food item” idea.  Heaven knows that animals have yet still to figure it out.  I ended my call, threw Jacob in a bathtub and began scrubbing his tongue, teeth and gums for any residual poop.  You know when people say that their breath smells like poop when they wake up?  Well I can say with all sincerity that unless you’ve eaten a turd that your breath most certainly does not.  Poop breath is much, much worse.

 

I share this story with you because like most things in my life God used it to point something out to me. 

 

Recently there have been many things that have not only happened in my life but in the lives of those around me.  I often find myself talking to friends and family about situations they are facing and in that moment of sympathy and love for them I am faced with many new feelings.  If they feel betrayed, well I feel betrayed.  If they feel angry, then I feel angry.  If they are sad, my heart is full of sadness.  The Bible says to “weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice” and I am pretty great at doing that.    

 

Sometimes I even find myself a few days later still feeling those feelings of betrayal, anger and sadness.  I justify within myself that I am allowed to be because the Bible tells us to “carry one another’s burden’s” (Galatians 6:2).  It’s ok to hold onto these feelings because I am carrying their burden after all… right?

 

Wrong… so so wrong… The word used in Galatians is “burden” not “offense”.  I know it is super funny when you run across those Pinterest eCards that say something to the effect of “if my sister is mad at you then I am too” but the reality is that we were not meant to carry one another’s offenses.  I am sad and even sometimes angered that those things happened to you but I cannot let it taint the love I have for others, even the one who is the cause of your pain.  If it did then I most certainly am not living according to the Word.  The Word that tells me to love my neighbor, and love my enemy (and in this case, love YOUR enemy).  So don’t hate me when I don’t hate them with you.  Don’t get offended if I don’t act equally offended as you.  

 

I just have this feeling that God is looking down when we share our situations with others and is waiting to see if we will pick up the tootsie or the turd.  Will we pick up their burden or their offense?  Be there for your friends and family, love on them, support them, but decide within yourself that you will not sacrifice your convictions for them.  

 

I am your friend.  I am for you not against you.  I will carry your burden… but please don't ask me to carry your offense. 

 

 

Matthew 5:43-45

“You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy.  
But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!  
In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven.

Skip to the End

There are many things about my husband that I love (his love for people, his passion for excellence, his willingness to work, his goofy/quirky side, and so on) but let me tell you just one little tiny thing that I am not very fond of.  I am not very fond of the fact that after he has seen a movie he doesn’t want to watch it again… because he knows how it ends.  Seriously husband?  There aren’t enough movies in the world to watch without repeating at least one!?!!

 

Now I am of a different breed.  I want someone to tell me how the movie ends so I can then decide if I want to commit myself to watching it.  I don’t have commitment issues.  I have wasting time issues.  I don’t want to waste time with a two or three hour movie that just leaves me anxiety ridden or depressed.  Because at the end of it, all I can think of is “what was the point of that???!”  Thus the reason I ask about the ending.  You are not spoiling anything for me; you are helping me in my decision making.  And then, once I do know how a movie ends, I can watch that same movie 10 times… in one day.  I went on such a same-movie all day spree in recent years with Pride and Prejudice, and Sleepless in Seattle.  Those movies… those movies have GREAT endings!

 

Do you know what makes knowing the end so great?  When you get to a really dark point in the story that leaves you lost and confused, at the edge of a complete mascara meltdown, you can take a deep breath and remember the ending- that everything turns out alright- and you are left with hope.  Questions, yes.  Tears, maybe.  But above everything, you have hope.

 

The bad guy is caught, the princess meets her prince, the guy wakes up from his coma… and they find Nemo. 

 

These are the kind of movies I like to watch.  Happy movies.  Filled with twists and turns, heartache and loss but happy nonetheless.  Because if it’s not happy then what’s the point? 

 

These past two months have been very movie-like for me.  Filled to the brim with challenges, loss, hurt and pain as if life was waiting for me to stand up from the last blow to only knock me out again.  One thing after another, blow after blow, trial after trial.  And every time I think to myself that I should just stay down for a while and let myself be swallowed up by the sadness that lurks around me, and then I remember the verse in Ephesians 6 that says “when you’ve done all to stand, Stand therefore.”  So I pick myself up.  Brush myself off.  And brace myself for the next big hit.

 

I am exhausted.  Winded.  Saddened.  But I am here.  And I’m still standing. 

 

I am still standing because I know the end of the story.  And it’s a great story.  I don’t know what the chapters hold from now until then but I know how it ends and that leaves me with great hope.

 

I have faith in God, I have committed my life to following His lead and because of this I get to remind myself that when this life ends it’s just the start of a new book.  In the next book everything is complete, and everyone is healthy.  There is no sadness, there is no pain.  There is laughter and peace and an eternity with God in heaven.  So when you find yourself in a dark chapter just skip to the end.  No matter what comes, we win. 

 

These trials become triumphs.  These tests become testimonies.  God works them all for our good… if we love and obey Him.

 

If you are reading this blog and you do not know God, or are far from Him- know that I am praying for you.  Not having this assurance is like watching a movie and not knowing the ending.  It’s the worst kind of emotional roller coaster that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.  Put your faith in Christ and know the peace that comes from living with HOPE.

 

 

Psalm 42:5

Why are you cast down, O my inner self?

And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me?

Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him,

for I shall yet praise Him, my Help and my God.

 

(psst. this verse is repeated three times so it must be important! Check out Psalm 42:11 and Psalm 43:5)

If... then why?

Last week I eluded to the portion of scripture in which God promises His peace that “surpasses understanding” (found in Philippians 4:7).  For as long as I have read that verse, I have translated it to mean that the peace itself could not be understood. That the concept of God’s peace is just plain indescribable. For many, this verse means exactly that but for me, well...  In light of recent events I have come to know this verse to have a much deeper meaning, a deeper truth to stand on.  That sometimes it isn’t the peace that’s indescribable but life itself.  That when the circumstances or situations you are facing offer you little to no understanding, peace still comes.  That it trumps our need to have all of our questions answered, that before we have it all figured out, we can still walk in peace.

 

This is encouraging when you are facing big decisions and have questions like who, what, where or when (like when trying to find your purpose, deciding which college to attend, knowing whether or not to get peanut or regular M&M’s) but there is another set of questions that is much harder to leave unanswered.  To accept the peace without understanding.  They are the questions of “why”.

 

Why do bad things happen to good people?  Why did God allow Pastor Lori to die?  Why did she only get 47 years of life? Why was my faith not enough?  Why keep praying?  Why still believe in miracles?  If God can heal, then why didn’t He heal her?

 

The questions of why is often the cause for many Christians to lose faith altogether.  Because these questions will never be answered to our liking or to the extent that we think we need them to be.  The answers will never be good enough to replace what was lost.  I am facing the darkest times of my life right now and I can tell you that the answers are not, and will never be, “enough”.

 

The only comfort I find is when I allow myself to move beyond understanding and accept the peace.  The peace that guards my heart and mind.  The peace that reminds me of the words in Proverbs 3:5-6 to “trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean NOT on your own UNDERSTANDING.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths”.  The peace that… surpasses… understanding.

 

When Jesus was being crucified He hung between two men.  The first man looked at Jesus and asked Him “if…then why”.  If you are the son of God, then why can’t you call angels down to save you?  Many of us can relate to this man.  If you think of the brevity of the situation then you know why he asked such a thing.  Jesus had done miracles on earth.  Raised the dead, fed five thousand with a child’s lunch, opened the eyes of the blind, healed the sick; unbelievable things.  Pulling Himself off of a cross in which he was only held up by three wooden nails was nothing in comparison to all of these, so then why?  Why did He have to stay there?  If He is the son of God, then why?  If He is capable then why?  

 

The second thief didn’t care of the reason why, even though I am sure he thought of it too.  Instead the thief asked to join Jesus in heaven.  If everything He said was true, then no matter his lack of answers- he wanted what Jesus had promised.  The first man asked for understanding while the second man asked for eternal life.  The first man looked at his situation while the second looked at his Savior.

 

I can’t say that in this moment I feel much like the second thief.  In my heart, I want to.  I want to rejoice that Pastor Lori is whole and complete and walking with Jesus.  That she won the ultimate prize.  That this was the best for her even if it was what feels like the worst for us.  Even if it was not what we set our faith out for.  I want to REALLY believe this, but right now it is a truth that I am not fond of.  I am not ok.  I am not rejoicing… yet.

 

I may not get my answers here on earth, you may not either for whatever situation you are facing, and we have to be willing to accept that.  There are just some things that will never be understood.  We only see a small part of the greater picture and it isn’t our job to always know why.  It is our job to trust and be led by God, and He in His goodness allows peace to come in spite of our lack of answers.  Because the peace surpasses understanding.  

 

Life may not always be good but God is.  Trust Him.  He can be trusted.

 

 

 

Ephesians 3:1-4

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: 

A time to be born, and a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance;

The Victory is Finally Complete

Philippians 4:7 "and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,

will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

 

Peace which surpasses all understanding… all… understanding. 

 

Peace that wades through the aftermath of unimaginable circumstances and gives you the strength to get out of bed in the morning.  Peace that lifts up your head and allows you to face another day.  Peace that quiets the insurmountable pain and replaces confusion with stillness.  Peace that cannot and will never be understood, because it just doesn’t make sense. 

 

I need THAT kind of peace today.

 

 

*  *  *  *  *

 

Nine years ago I got a call that would forever change my life.  I had decided to not go the traditional college route after graduating high school and instead pursued my heart for ministry through a program called Master’s Commission.  This particular Saturday I was driving with a few friends to help out in a needy part of Roseville when the director of MC called to tell me that the Antekeier family had asked to be my host home for my first year.  It was a huge relief because this wonderful couple had been my youth pastors for the 3 years prior and I was excited to move into their home.

 

Cody and CJ, their two boys, had opted to share a room so that I could stay with them.  I had shared a room my whole life and new the independence that they were giving up.  I always appreciated that.  Throughout that year there were many many memories made, but even more so- lessons learned.  I learned what it meant to be a wife and a mother.  To be a youth pastor and a friend.  I learned how to really think about everything I said or did, and do things on purpose.  I learned how to prepare myself for things I wanted in life.  I learned how to ask forgiveness and get back up when I made a mistake.  I learned how to pay attention to detail and to do things with excellence.  I learned what meekness not weakness looked like.  Pastor Lori modeled it all.  I learned so much that year and for the nine years following it and still had so much more to learn. 

 

*  *  *  *  *

 

Last night my husband and I got another kind of call.  The call that comes in the middle of the night and shakes you to the core of your being.  She was gone.  My Pastor Lori was gone.  This amazing woman who had become like a second mother was gone.  After an incredible battle with leukemia, she would leave her earthly body and meet her Jesus in the sky.

 

I can’t tell you the amount of hurt that I have faced today.  I am sure it is nothing in comparison to what her family is facing.  With any loss you have questions of “why her” or “why now”.  The questions intensify and turn from grief to anger.  With fists clenched you want to scream at the sky and get some answers but there are no answers to be found.  I hate that there are no answers… but even without them I will still trust my Father in heaven.  I have questions but even greater, I have a Father who covers me with His peace that surpasses my need to understand.

 

I am reminded in this moment of when Paul said in Philippians 1- “ I’m torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me. But for your sakes, it is better that I continue to live.”  It was better for her to go.  To be at peace.  To be whole and healed, dancing with her Savior whom she loved so much.  But for me, and for so many others it was not better.  It is not better.  When I think of me I am saddened and angry, but when I think of my Pastor Lori I am relieved.  She lived a selfless life, and in this moment I need to learn one last lesson from her- to be selfless.  

 

For myself and many others I am hurting, but for you I am so thankful.

You can rest now Momma, you can be with your Jesus and rest.

 

"Faith fights so we fight in faith until the victory is complete". 

She has fought.  She has won the ultimate prize- heaven. 

The victory is finally complete.

To Each Their Own

As a mother of two boys I have heard my fair share of screams.  There is the “brother has my toy” scream, the “you’re not paying attention to me” scream, the “I’m too tired to communicate” scream, the “I hurt myself” scream, the “I’m dying” scream and then, the worst of all, the “I just got a shot” scream.  Not I’ve BEEN shot.  But the… “you took me to the dr. and they pierced my innocent skin with what seems like a ten inch needle that reached to the depths of my soul” kind of shot. 

 

Taking my five year old into the doctor’s for anything that requires a shot is pretty much my sign to prepare myself for total embarrassment because the world is about to end.  He literally screams at the nurse with huge crocodile tears and every time I feel like the worst mother imaginable.  Realizing that this can be such a traumatic event (as it was for me also growing up), I made sure to speak very nicely when the nurse came in to give my youngest son his round of shots for his one year old checkup.  I am sure this is the part of the job that they dislike the least, unless they are a special kind of person who thrives on torturing children.  I think I have met a few of those.  In this case it was a sweet elderly woman and I braced myself for what was sure to be a doosy.  I held Jacob’s legs down, turned away, and closed my eyes as if the action of not seeing would actually help the situation.  And then I heard something that I had never heard before…

 

“I’ve never gotten that reaction” the nursed said as she was putting his clothes back on.  What reaction?  Is he ok?  Did he die?  Did you even go through with it?  What happened exactly?

 

I looked up at the nurse who was smiling from ear to ear and she simply said- “he scowled at me”.  Instead of screaming bloody murder or kicking her in the face as justifiable payback, Jacob just simply took it like a baby and scowled. 

 

I could hardly believe it so I decided to go against my motherly instinct of closing my eyes and watched his face as he got his most recent immunizations.  Sure enough, my little 19 month old albino baby looked straight into the nurse’s eyes and after getting three shots his once smiling face turned into one of silent anger.  I didn’t know whether to be proud or frightened of him.  What kind of a baby just scowls?

 

After writing the blog last week on “What The What” I have gone through my own plethora of feelings as we all do in the course of a week.  We never know what life will throw at us or how to prepare ourselves for such an event.  And in each situation I have come to realize that everyone reacts differently.  There is no “right” or “wrong” way to feel.  They just are what they are.  Reactions.  Feelings. 

 

It would be so much easier to not feel, to not have to deal with the filtering of our own emotions.  To just know the right thing, believe the right thing and do the right thing without the constant nagging of feelings getting in the way.  Life would be so much easier that way.  To not have to look at a mirror and FEEL worthless, FEEL like a failure, FEEL weak, FEEL invisible, FEEL anything that isn’t the truth that the Word speaks about us.  But we do have those feelings.  Some may cry, some scream, some scowl, but we all have our own unique feelings.

 

I don’t know what you are facing, what mountain of an emotion that has come up in your own life, but I am praying for you.  I am praying that the feeling and all of the reasons for it will be silenced by the peace that comes from the Word of God.  That you would rest in Him knowing that it may not be all right in this moment but He is enough to get you through.  That sometimes you don’t have the strength to stare something in the face and say “You shall not pass” but you can look calmly into the eyes of the one who has hurt you and whisper to yourself “despite how I feel right now, I still choose to forgive you” even if it is with a scowl on your face.  And then tomorrow when you wake up and that thing rises back up you remind yourself that you still choose to forgive.  And you choose it for every day after that. 

 

I do not write this as one who feels they have it all together, but as one who has had her own strength drained from her body.  One who’s assurance has now been replaced with a quiet confusion.  One who’s own voice has been reduced to a whisper.  I choose God over this hurt; I choose truth over this feeling, I CHOOSE.  It hurts and I don’t understand but I choose.  I am not reacting or handling it like that person over there, but I choose.  It’s taking a little longer than expected but I choose.   What happened wasn’t right but it doesn’t mean that I have to sacrifice my righteousness for it, I STILL CHOOSE.  You can do it.  We can do it.  With all the boldness of a lion or the meekness of a sheep... to each their own.

 

  

2 Corinthians 12:9

"But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!"  AMP

WHAT-THE-WHAT… WHAT am I feeling?... THE reason is… WHAT does the Word say?