Just Keep Swimming

On a visit with Pastor Lori, the very last one I would unknowingly ever have, I got to talk with her about this blog.  It wasn’t on my agenda of things to talk about as she lay in her bed Duck Dynasty playing quietly in the background.  In fact, at that particular moment it was one of the furthest things from my mind.  I was thankful to be having a conversation with her, cherishing every moment I had in the warmth of her own home.  My last visit was vastly different and it had left me a little shaken, but this visit- this one was different.  My prior conversation with her in the hospital was quiet and unfamiliar.  I was so caught off guard that I did what I seem to do often these days when facing unknown territory.  I wrote.  I wrote about her fight with cancer, and a few weeks after it had posted a visiting friend had read it aloud to her. 

 

Pastor Lori looked at me over dinner, our personal conversation being over for some time, and brought back up how she just loved the blog.  She loved the parallel from something she had taught me while I had lived there as a teenager to our everyday Christian walks and it was so heartwarming to hear her speak of it.  I didn’t feel that special, that important.  It felt meaningless in the grand scheme of things, but to her it was beautiful.  “You are a great writer” she told me, “you should keep writing”. 

 

There are many things Pastor Lori is but a sarcastic encourager is not one of them.  She would not be the type of friend often referred to on talent shows such as American Idol after someone truly terrible gets up to sing and says their friend thinks they are great.  Their friend told them to sing on National Television.  Their friend knows they should win.  Well, I hate to break it to you- but that person is not your friend.  They might just hate you.  Or want to humiliate you.  Either way, not your friend.  Those auditions make me cringe (and make my husband happy inside, which makes me wonder what that says of him). 

 

Pastor Lori was not one of those types.  She meant every word of it.  I was so humbled in that moment that I was unsure how to respond, so naturally I smiled and kept eating because food solves a multitude of uncertainties (kidding of course- for the most part). 

 

“You should keep writing.”

 

Last summer after she passed away I stopped.  I stopped writing because it was too hard.  I didn’t want to encourage anyone else because I was hurting and needed a friend myself.  I considered stopping altogether, walking away from the path I was once so sure of.  I could do it.  I could stop.  No one would even notice.  No one would even care.  Have I done anything that has made any kind of a difference anyway?

 

Angry.  I was so angry.

 

A month had gone by and I had posted once, and then a few more months and I had posted only a few more times.  It wasn’t something I wanted anymore, I felt like it was doing no good in the grand scheme of things.  No one would even notice if I just stopped.  And then while visiting a church very dear to my heart I had an interesting conversation with a father who had read a post after his daughter had shared it.  “Are you still writing” he asked.  I wanted to say “unfortunately, yes” but instead just said “when I can”.  He looked at me and said, “that’s great because you are really good at it.”  The words came from his mouth but I heard it in her voice.  I didn’t feel great at it.  I wasn’t even sure if I could do it anymore but for that moment I could hear her voice and I knew if she was still here she would be saying the same thing. 

 

As I sit here and write today I remind myself of her words.  I don’t always “feel” like it.  I don’t always “feel” like anything I write makes any sort of difference but even if it is for one person for one day, then it must be worth it.  That post was for her.  That post made her day in that hospital bed and that was worth the pain of writing it. 

 

All throughout scripture we find God speaking to us, reminding us to keep going.  Keep making right decisions.  Keep trusting Him.  Keep loving the sometimes unlovable.  And it sucks.  Yep, it sucks.  Because we don’t always feel like it.  We want to stop.  We want to ask what kind of a difference it is making anyway.  We wonder if anyone would even notice our not being at church.  Would they?  Would anyone even care?  I could stop, you think.  I could walk away from everything.  And the sad truth is that many have.

 

If you feel like you are fighting a losing battle then hear me out… keep going.  One more day.  One more choice to do right.  One more prayer.  One more church service.  Just one more.  Because it won’t always “feel” easy and full of rainbows and butterflies.  Sometimes (most times if we are honest with ourselves) things get hazy and hard, but we must choose to keep going.  Keep believing.  Keep trusting.  Keep loving. 

 

God somehow always sends the right people at the right time to remind us… to just keep going.  So this post is for your Pastor Lori.  I am still writing and still trusting that it is worth it... even for the one.

 

Ephesians 3:16-19

I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.