A Call To Anguish

By Haley Waters

That sure is a fun title, isn't it?

Anguish isn't really a popular word today; it denotes pain, sorrow, and a bunch of other negative adjectives. But recently, I was reminded of a sermon by Dave Wilkerson on this very subject, a sermon that was so powerful the first time I heard it, it brought me to my knees, and caused me to take not just one look at myself and at the condition of my heart, but several looks, to evaluate where I was, what I was doing, what cause, if any, I was fighting for. 

I believe the words of this sermon are still as relevant today as they were many years ago when first preached. Our culture, society, generation today, whatever you want to call it has become such a fast-paced/fast-food/instant-access/social media-driven/hunchback (yeah, check your posture next time you're staring down at your phone ;)/incapable of face-to-face communication generation and I fear we are forgetting what it truly means to be followers of Christ. But I'm not just saying this to you, I'm saying this to me; this is my generation too.

I've realized something about myself in the last few weeks: I like to be lazy. One of my favorite things to do is just sit on the couch and watch my favorite shows. I do like to get out and do fun things outside too, so I'm not a complete potato, but sometimes I actually look forward to when I can go home and I daydream about my bed and my pillows and blankets. I will often make plans to do something productive, and end up putting it off just so I can lay in my bed longer. 

If someone calls me while I'm at home, chances are the conversation goes like this...

"Hey what are you doing?" 

"Laying in bed" 

"Doing what?" 

"Just laying here" 

"........." 

Sometimes I really enjoy just being lazy.

But the thing I realized is not just that I have a lazy problem, but I have a discipline problem.

I realized that I had grown lazy in spiritual matters. I had been undisciplined (although I really wish I could eat pie and cookies and cake and ice cream and sit on the couch but still get the same results as if I didn't eat as much of those things and actually exercised, it doesn't work that way). At one point I even found myself asking God, "Why can't I just have a normal life?!" (that line probably came from one too many made-for-TV movies I watched as a child). He then led me to the subject of anguish. And I realized: I had wanted an easy life...a convenient Christianity.

But we were never called to live a life of ease or convenience! And I say this not to scare you or condemn you but to hopefully wake you up the same way I was woken up.

Don't desire comfort, or convenience...desire Christ, and from there everything will fall into place. If you find yourself becoming lazy or apathetic, get on your knees and pray!

If you aren't in anguish over your city, your family, your friends, your church then who will be? 

Don't let the devil take your fight, YOU can make a difference, YOU are called to a life far better than you can ask or imagine and YOU are called to anguish.

I know this is sort of a heavy topic, but I believe it is necessary to not just discuss, but to act on. What will you do with your anguish?

Take a few minutes and click on this link, I promise that it will change you--or at least your perspective on anguish:  "A Call to Anguish"

Ephesians 4:1

"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you

to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. "

Confessions from the Waiting Room

By Vanessa Shepherd

Doctor’s offices… I hate them… also any office that requires you to sit in a stuffy, overly crowded waiting room for an appointment that you made weeks before and yet every time you show up you have to sit for an hour (or two) to even be called back. The waiting room, it’s the pits.

I have pushed off seeing a doctor for a few years now for some weird things that have been going on and I finally made the decision that four years was long enough without answers. And you know what that decision got me? More waiting rooms. Like a plethora of them. Blood tests and follow ups and x-rays and follow ups and MRI’s and follow ups. Seriously, why can’t we just make one long day of it and call it good instead of dragging it out for weeks? I have spent more time in the waiting room than actually face to face with any doctor and while patience may be a virtue, it is not one I currently possess enough of.

Have you heard of the five stages of grief? 

Well I have found that they are pretty similar to the- four stages of waiting:

Stage 1… Anticipation

Everyone is filled with anticipation upon first arriving to any appointment and taking their seat in the waiting room. It is in this stage that we find ourselves daydreaming about the white picket fence and the tall dark and handsome who will give our children half of their genes. It is the most exciting out of all of the stages. Full of hope and trust in God because we know our Bibles and Psalm 37:4 promises us that if we “delight [ourselves] also in the Lord” that “He will give [us] the desires and secret petitions of [our] hearts.” Doesn’t that sound incredible?

This is the stage where rainbows and butterflies exist and your name is going to be the one they call next. The one where dreams are possible, answers are guaranteed, and waiting won’t last forever. This stage, I have a love hate relationship with this stage. It’s hopeful and beautiful and more times than not, a giant bowl full of crap. Have you heard the verse about “hope deferred [making] the heart sick” (Proverbs 13:12), well I am pretty sure it was written for just such a stage as this. Once anticipation wears off we get hit like a ton of bricks by stage number two.

Stage 2… Anxiety

The questions start coming in like a flood. Did you miss your name being called? Are you in the right office, on the right day? What if you don’t get the answers you were hoping for? The questions have a way of taking over; they have the ability to silence absolutely everything else in your life and paralyze you from the head down. They are all consuming and all controlling. And as beautiful as the sentiment is to “be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God” (Philippians 4:6), it is way easier said than done. 

Anxious thoughts have a way of being put down and then picked back up time and time again.

Can we truly pray about such things and be free instantly from our anxiety? Or is it best understood as a continual prayer to keep our hearts focused on the right things? Whatever the case, anxiety soon leads to something I have a feeling all of us have experienced at least once not just in our lifetime, but sometimes daily.

Stage 3… Anger

Your once harmless thoughts have now turned to something far greater. You start to look around and get angered at how many are being called in before you. How many have received their answers, seen the doctors, who have barely just arrived. Hello? You were totally here well before them? Why can’t they go in order? Is it something you did or didn’t do? You shoot glares across the room to the patients, to the nurses, to anyone who is not making what you came in for a priority. 

It’s not personal but it feels personal. Anger has a way of creeping in every time we decide to compare our lives with the lives of others. Our timelines with theirs. But who are we truly mad at? Them for coming to the doctor office, or the doctor for seeing them first? I have a sneaking suspicion that many of us have some misplaced anger with God that we are taking out on people, because He is doing for them what we have been asking Him to do for us. 

Just a few short verses after reading how God would give us the desires of our heart, David instructs us to “rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way… cease from anger, and forsake wrath; do not fret—it only causes harm.” (Psalm 37:7-8) It wasn’t unintentional for David to link the two- our waiting for answers and getting angry with others who have- because it happens, every time. But when we allow ourselves to go through each of these stages keeping God’s word in mind, it always leaves us with this last thing.

Stage 4… Acceptance

It is only in this stage that we find ourselves committed to the waiting; understanding that it is necessary, and that our being there is completely unrelated to everything and everyone else. We start obsessing about the answers and start to look around. We examine the posters on the walls, the childish choice of movies playing, and the people that we were once infuriated by become more human. It was in this stage that God spoke to my heart so clearly just a few weeks ago; something that He could have only said when I was both still, committed and at peace.

I had been in this one waiting room for almost an hour, the place had emptied itself twice and my name had yet to be called. At first there was anticipation, then anxiety, then anger, but I had finally made my way into acceptance. I found myself watching “Brave” on the small TV tucked in the corner across the room when there was some small commotion behind me. I turned around to find a woman who had dropped something and a man- a stranger to her- jumping in to help her pick it up. She smiled, thanked him and took her seat. Honestly, it was beautiful.

And then there was the woman there with her mother. I watched as they laughed and talked with such passion for life. They were unfazed by how long they had been there or how many had gone before them because they were there together, and being together was enough. Enough to silence the unanswered questions or the problems they were facing. Their love for each other was evident and their waiting full of joy. It too was beautiful.

But my attention was quickly stolen by the sound of a mother trying to sooth her crying baby. She paced, she talked, she sang, she tried everything without any relief from that little girl’s shrieks of discontentment. I have been there before. Most days I am still there with Jacob and he is now well over three. It’s miserable and embarrassing and I couldn’t help but feel pity for her.

And just as soon as I had realized all that was going on around me my name was called and I heard it loudly. Not my name, although it had been called and caused me to rise from my chair and move toward the nurse motioning to take me back, but I heard Him speak so softly to my heart, “don’t waste the wait”.

I knew what He meant. I knew exactly what He was telling me.

I had spent over an hour so focused on myself and my problems and my questions that I forgot to lift my eyes to see the world around me. Not the newest update on politics or where our world is headed, not the opinions shouted loudly in the most inappropriate of places, but the people I had been placed with in the waiting room. 

I could have found peace instead of anticipation

if I had allowed myself to see the beauty of human kindness.

I could have found patience instead of anxiety

if I had brought someone to share in my wait.

I could have found purpose instead of anger

if I had recognized and offered to help those hurting around me.

I could have, but I didn’t. I wasted it.

I was so caught up in me that I forgot about everyone else. I was selfish. And instead of condemnation, I felt the conviction of God rise up on the inside of me. Not a hateful “YOU WASTED THE WAIT” but a challenge for the many waiting rooms I would continue to find myself in- “don’t waste the wait” He said.

So, dear friends I challenge you with the same thought. Whether you are in a physical room or a spiritual one, don’t waste it. God will call your name when the time is right and give you the answers you so desperately desire. He is faithful and has you in the place you are in for a purpose- so commit to being in it.

Psalm 27:14 

"Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, 

and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!"

The Victory is Worth the Fight

By Haley Waters

I don't know about you, but I love a good fight scene. Not the "bullies taking lunch money" scene or the "troubled kids beating each other up" scene or the ridiculous parking lot fights people film and put on Youtube, I'm talking about... a battle scene.

One of my favorite sagas is The Lord of The Rings, and I LOVE the fight scenes in each movie. They are the definition of epic, my favorite being the Battle of Helmsdeep in The Two Towers (accepting my nerd crown, thank you). Not only are there light-hearted, funny moments, 

but there also always comes a moment where the characters decide they are ALL IN. Win or lose, they're going to give it all they've got. And because it's a movie, usually the heroes win, and I love to see that moment of rejoicing, when everyone gets together, nearly dead, painted with their own blood and that of those they've defeated (they were just orcs, don't worry), celebrating their victory. 

Chronicles of Narnia is another saga with great scenes of war. (I'm sensing a pattern of genre here). Even if I've seen these movies numerous times, every time the fight scenes come on, I'm on the edge of my seat, biting my nails, pulling for the good guys, and when that moment of decision comes, to give it one last shot, usually followed by a W, I'm cheering and celebrating along with these fictional characters.

I have the same commitment when it comes to sports scenes: it's the big game, they need to win to make playoffs, or it's the championship game and it's Bobby's last year to play and he needs a scholarship so he can make it big and buy his mom a house, etc. (Remember the Titans and Friday Night Lights being a few of my favorites--another pattern) I just love to root for the home team! To see battles won, victories achieved, and odds beaten!

Part of the reason I love these scenes is because of the resolution: the victory at the end of the battle, the win at the end of the game. But imagine if these scenes lasted forever...I would fall asleep and wake up hours later wondering how Legolas hasn't run out of arrows. Most of what we remember about movies is how they end. But if they never ended, we would lose interest and forget the battle altogether.

I would love to say the battles we face in our own lives are the same as the ones we watch on screen: the music comes in at just the right moment, we find our father's ancient sword at our feet just as the enemy is approaching, or the winning pass gets tossed right into our waiting hands as we near the end zone, but our victories look a little different, and most often have nothing to do with our own ability but with God's grace and love. But sometimes our battles are much like those eternal snooze-fests I spoke of earlier. 

2 Chronicles 16:9 in the Message translation says, "God is always on the alert, constantly on the lookout for people who are totally committed to Him. You were foolish to go for human help when you could have had God's help. Now you're in trouble--one round of war after another."

Doesn't that sound awful? A never-ending war. Yet that's the situation many of us find ourselves in when we don't rely on God. 

Without His help and our total surrender to Him, 
we can't win the battles in our life, and without victory, 
the war will never cease.

I've seen quite a few battles; ones in which I was wearing the armor and ones my friends and family have fought through. Every battle that gets a win, every fight that ends in victory for the good guys has been won when the outcome is relinquished to God. Now I do believe He equips us with [His] strength, and gives us boldness and courage to fight alongside Him, but as long as we are leading the army while He is an extra in our scene, war will continue with no conclusion. We CAN'T win without Him. 

Of course, we don't mean to take control, we don't intend to fight without God's help, but then we find ourselves barely-standing, on a battlefield of good intentions and hopelessness, wondering when this war will end. "God why won't you help me?!" "God, I'm tired, I can't fight anymore!" And all He wants is to fight for you, if you will only let Him. 

What battles are you trying to fight today? I certainly hope you're aren't trying to fight tomorrow's battles as well, because "...tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." (Matthew 6:34) 

If you feel like you're in a war that won't end, if you feel defeated and yet somehow remain in battle, evaluate the areas you're keeping from Him, the fights you're keeping Him out of, and let Him take care of today. 

Elisabeth Elliott said, "Today is mine. Tomorrow is none of my business."

Now, don't think you're going to give God the battle and you get to run off to lounge by the pool and wait it out. You will still have to fight through whatever comes against you, but the BEST news is, you will not fight alone, and you can have peace, and be certain that He has already won.

2 Chronicles 20:15 
"Do not fear or be dismayed because of this great multitude, 
for the battle is not yours but God's."

Proverbs 21:31
 "...victory belongs to the Lord."

You Can't See Me

By Vanessa Shepherd

Those words, those four words, make up my son’s favorite sentence. And if you are unfamiliar with the phrase, just know it comes from a guy named John Cena who is in fact... a wrestler. Now, I’m not talking the real stuff. I’m talking WWE, and yes, I am praying for him also, but there is no swaying him. Believe me, I have tried! 

I am not sure what is most appealing to a six year old; the grown men in spandex, the crazy costumes they parade themselves in, or the pretend fighting that looks like a bad high school war scene reenactment. Whatever it is, it has enraptured him and there is no going back now. This is my life. A boy running around the house waving his hand in front of his face smiling as he taunts his brother- “you can’t see me”. 

Just the mention of those words and Michael feels on top of the world. Like he can conquer anything. Like he is a superhero. And he is right. He has found the one thing that we have all at one time or another stumbled upon, our super power (so to speak) and it is to just simply be… invisible. 

To be in a crowded room and feel like you are utterly alone. 

To be in conversation and feel completely unheard. 

You can’t see me. 

YOU CAN’T SEE ME. 

How is it that we can be around the same people for years and still feel unknown? Unwanted? Or unneeded? I don’t like this super hero business. I don’t like this super power. I’m a girl; I just want to paint my nails and play with makeup. Can’t we leave the play acting to the boys? If only, sweet girls, if only. 

I have been the last picked for teams and the first picked to be picked on. I have been asked my name by the same people countless times. I have been the one to be left out of the parties and the one forgotten about when my birthday has come around. I get it. I feel it too. 

So to the invisible girl, the one screaming “you can’t see me”, listen up… you are not alone! Even David has felt like this before, just read what he says in Psalm 31:12- “I am forgotten like a dead man, and out of mind; like a broken vessel am I.” We have all gone through seasons of loneliness but know this- you are visible to a loving God, and you are more important than you’ll ever know. Don’t give up when you think no one is watching because chances are someone is. 

If I could give you two things to remember in such a time as this it would be that... 

1. Distance always causes distortion 

The further we get from others the more the truth becomes blurred. We tend to exaggerate things that have really happened when we choose to be out of contact with people. It is just human nature; to make others into villains and ourselves into victims. But the answer to any problem is not more distance. There is no conversation, no confronting, no healing to be found in more distance. So don’t retreat. Fight the instinct to flight. Now is the time to be more involved, more connected with others. It’s painful at first, yes, but so is stitching up a wound. But if you are looking for healing you must take the first step. So close the gap. 

James 5:16 

“Confess to one another therefore your faults (your slips, your false steps, your offenses, 

your sins) and pray [also] for one another, that you may be healed and restored.”

And when you choose to stick it out and be around the same people who have made you feel so alone, remind yourself of this… 

2. Feelings are always one-sided 

Your feelings are valid, they are reactions. There is no way to conjure up a feeling of any kind albeit love or hate without a cause. So do not feel judged for how you feel. But in the midst of those very real feelings, don’t forget that they are also not telling the full story. They are only telling your side of it. When we feel forgotten we tend to push blame on to others for not noticing us. I mean, we are awesome so how dare they right? But what if, just what if, they are going through their own battles and it isn’t that they don’t think of you but that they are so consumed with their own troubles and struggles to go out of their way to notice if you are feeling welcome or comfortable. Sometimes our feelings can be screaming so loudly “you can’t see me” that we don’t hear the quiet responses of, “yes we can”. So take the time to stop and listen.

Psalm 73:15-17

“Had I spoken thus [and given expression to my feelings], I would have been untrue and have dealt treacherously against the generation of Your children. But when I considered how to understand this, it was too great an effort for me and too painful. Until I went into the sanctuary of God; then I understood [for I considered] their end."

From one girl longing to stifle her super power from time to time, to another- 

Be strong, my friend. 

You may feel invisible but you are not alone. 

I can see you.

Diary of a Wimpy Chick Pt. 2: Schizophrenic Friendships

By Emily Bansuelo

This blog is part 2 of a 4 part series, Diary of a Wimpy Chick. If you haven’t read part 1, you can do so here. DISCLAIMER: To protect the identity of those in my life during this time, I have created aliases for all participants of the diary.

Being a middle school pastor with my husband I come across a lot of questions from girls. The top two categories are of course, boys and friends. Recently, I sat down with a group of roudy soon-to-be middle schoolers and they fired their questions at me like a hungry kid throwing Tapatio on a taco. And before I could answer their questions, I pulled out my diary to give them an insider’s look at life as a middle schooler…

February 3

         Dear Diary,

                …Only two more days till Friday which means my bday party with Kim and Laura. I can’t wait!

February 7

         Dear Diary,

                …Today I found out that Laura got her “you know what” last YEAR spring break! She didn’t even tell me. I’m mad at her. That’s just another thing she beat me at. (Believe me Emily, you’ll be glad later on in life you didn’t get your “you know what” any sooner. Can I get an amen from all the women out there?)

February 12

         Dear Diary,

                … I am mad at Chris. Kim asked him out today and specifically asked him not to tell any of his guy friends. (Do you see where this is going?) Well, he DID tell all the girls and guys about it. I’m afraid to tell Kim because I know it will break her heart. I just don’t know what to do.

February 25

        Dear Diary,

                I found out that Laura likes Chris too. I am worried since I like him… Another thing is, Kim seems really pushed away. And I think I really need to be more of a “best friend” than a “friend”. I really want to tell Kim that I like Chris too because I don’t want to hold it in anymore. (3 friends ALL liking the same boy at the same time? This is never good.)

March 15

       Dear Diary,

                …Kim told me to shut up. Laura started ditching me. I didn’t have a good day.

April 11

       Dear Diary,

                …I can’t wait to see Laura, It’s been a week of spring break and I hope she likes the brush I got her when I was in Florida. (Whoa, whoa, hold the phone! I have no idea what happened in that short span of time, but apparently we became besties again.)  

Well, life as a middle schooler can be tough with friends, it can feel like we have schizophrenic friendships (always going back and forth, one minute we are mad at each other the next we are fine.) But let’s be honest here. Life as an adult can be just as tough and probably tougher with friends sometimes. However, I’m learning that the same rules apply, and this is how I answered all those crazy girls' questions that I mentioned before.

1.  Friendship Is A Two Way Street

Proverbs 27:17- "As iron sharpens iron, so another person sharpens another." I sure can be exhausting to constantly be pouring into a relationship, and have no reciprocation whatsoever. If you’re in a relationship that is constantly exhausting, perhaps some boundaries should be put up somewhere.

2. Comparison Is A Slippery Slope

Hebrews 12:15- "See to it… that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." Whether you’re in middle school comparing the timing of the arrival of Aunt Flow. Or you’re an adult comparing the timing of the promotion, marriage, kids or better house. Comparison can destroy friendship, even if you love that person dearly.

      3. Keep Your Mouth Shut

Proverbs 21:23- Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble. The number one way, I always tell girls, to stop drama is to just KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. Stop using the excuse, “We should really pray for Sara because she’s back with that really nasty guy.” That’s not a prayer request… Or how about the one, “I heard a great podcast about modesty, I think Rachel should really listen to it, what’s her number again?” Uh huh.. You really don’t have her number?

4. Shake It Off

Ecclesiastes 7:21- Do not take to heart all the things that people say... People are always going to talk, even when you don't. So don't take things to heart. As much as it pains me to say T. Swift is right- SHAKE IT OFF! 

Here’s some final thoughts: Remember why you are friends in the first place whenever you’re dealing with doubt in a friendship. What holds your friendship together? Be confident that God has placed them in your life for a reason. The enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy, but Jesus came to give us abundant life. And I believe friendship is a major part of that God-given abundant life. We don’t have to go through our days with schizophrenic friendships.  Be open to change and different seasons of life saying goodbye to some friends, but also saying hello to new ones and place Christ at the center of every relationship and I think we’ll be ok and get through this crazy thing called life.   

Greater Than

By Alison Vidal

I've never been a big math person, from day one I was more inclined to english or history. The way my mind works doesn't really mesh well with math, and even when I was little I didn't really find anything about math all that interesting (Now, if you're a math person PROPS to you because the way your brain works is awesome.) 

The one thing I always loved in elementary school math though was learning about greater than and less than signs. I don't know about you, but I was taught with the alligator method. You know, where the baby alligator is eating the numbers. That made math somewhat fun for the short amount of time we focused on that. When I think about God and the problems we face in life, sometimes I think about those baby alligators. 

For the sake of this illustration, today you are a baby alligator. One side of the equation represents God in our life. That side of the equation is made up of love, grace, forgiveness, strength. It's a Father, a Provider, a Healer. It is eternal love. On the other side, we have our problems. Sickness, death, family struggles, depression, anxiety. It's eating disorders, addiction, self harm; it is everything bad we find ourselves up against. 

I don't know a lot about math, but I do know what side of this equation is greater and which side is less. God is infinitely greater than every obstacle we have faced, are facing, or will ever face in the future. Whether that obstacle is big or small God will ALWAYS triumph over the things of this world. 

One of my favorite bible verses is Ephesians 3:20, "Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." Read that verse and think about how amazing that is. God, who is able through HIS mighty power can accomplish more than we could ever ask or dream. That means victory over every sin, every bad thought, every hard situation if we will trust in Him and let Him work in our lives. The most important part ladies, is this: it's not up to us. If you look at that equation, we aren't the ones that are greater. GOD is. 

We aren't the ones who are going to have a victory over sin. GOD is. God has the power to work miracles and wonders, if only we ask, believe and thank Him. Philippians 4:6 says this, "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." 

So what I hope you will take away from this sweet girls is this: when you find yourself up against something in life, don't be scared. Go to God, and pray. Pray and tell God everything, what is happening and what you need from Him. Then THANK Him for everything that He is, and everything that He has done. After that, trust in His power, and rest in the peace that He gives you. Let God fight the battle for you, because God is greater. 

Exodus 14:4 

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

John 3:30  

"He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less."

John 3:30 

“That’s why my cup is running over. This is the assigned moment 

for Him to move into the center, while I slip off to the sidelines."

I'm Ok And Other Lies I Tell Myself

By Haley Waters

Being a barista, I come in contact with a lot of people. In a work day, with a constant stream of face-to-face interaction, my responses and conversations can become very routine and rehearsed.

"It sure is nice out there." "Oh it's beautiful. Hopefully you can get out and see this gorgeous weather we're having after work." "I hope so. Although I could do without the wind--it always messes with my allergies." "I feel ya. Well you have a good day now." "You too!" (And other variations of the same conversation)

A common exchange between customer and barista is "Hi, how are you?" "I'm good thanks, how are you?" "Good, thank you, what can I get for ya?" And even that is extensive compared to the other exchanges which involve: "Hi, how are you?" "Yeah give me a grande latte, no foam, extra shot, extra hot...oh and nonfat" among other even less pleasant exchanges. But the point is, I know what to expect from my customers when I go into work. It's those every-so-often customers I get that throw a wrench in my perfectly-timed interaction with them. "Hi, how are you?" "Oh, I'm ok." At which point I'm frozen in place for half a millisecond while I try to decide how best to answer. 

I usually end up saying something lame like "Well let's see if we can fix that today" or, "At least you got your mocha!" (Even though I heavily believe in the powers of caffeine, it cannot in fact, fix all your problems). When I'm faced with the unexpected, I am unsure how to respond. But what I find even more interesting is that I've started to expect this "I'm ok" response, because it always seems to be the same people who use it. Even something which used to give me pause as I bustled around tossing cups this way and scones that way, has now become expected...and usual.

I find it strange when people use the word "ok" to describe how they're doing. Saying that you're doing "ok" should mean (by definition--I googled it) that you are satisfactory or aggreeable; acceptable. But most often when we give this answer in response to how we're doing, we are not actually ok. I can't remember one time I used this response and was actually "ok" (satisfactory or agreeable). Usually when I say "I'm ok," I either want whoever I'm talking to to probe further to find out why I'm not ok, or I want them to leave me alone. (I know, I'm a complicated mess) Either way, "I'm ok" is a mask. It's a lie I tell myself and other people to cover up how I'm really feeling and what I'm really thinking. Even if I ask customers why they're just doing "ok" and not "good," or "great" they don't really give an answer. They just mention how they've got errands to run or have been working everyday this week (at which I time I insert my awesome line about how "at least they have Starbucks"). The reason is, "I'm ok" is a lie.

I recently found myself using this phrase a lot. With friends, family, myself and God. I've always heard about the dangers of complacency and have tried my best not to fall into the trap of never moving forward or thinking that just by being busy I was being effective, but I didn't realize my complacency could turn into sin, and that these lies I had been telling myself were separating me from God.

I had to have a really honest conversation with Him, in which I had to repent not only for my sin, but for thinking that I was without it. I know that everybody sins, I know that we have a sinful nature that has to be fought against but I guess I thought that Christians were sort of exempt from certain sin, or at least, they should be. And for that, I had to not only apologize but make a decision to turn away from my wrong thinking and purpose in my heart to change. I was, essentially "casting stones." Jesus told the Pharisees who caught a woman in adultery in John 8, "He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first." That's me! I'm without sin, right? So give me stones, time to practice.

Now, I'm being very honest and vulnerable with you, lest you think ANYONE has their stuff together, and is immune to sin, or a certain degree of sin like I did. I realize now how ridiculous my thinking was, so don't judge me too harshly.

I started throwing my stones: verbally and mentally. I would sit around and judge people, thinking it was my right because I was "without sin." Oh, how wrong I was. The worst part is, I didn't realize to the extent that I was doing it. I kept saying "I'm ok, I'm ok." And I would pray and have moments with God where I would get glimpses of what sin I was allowing to creep in and I would ask for forgiveness, ask God to change me, to break me. The thing about breaking is, it's not always a one-time deal. I was under the impression that if God was going to break me, He was going to do it all at once and then I would be fixed. Well that's fine, unless you take the cast off too soon, or try to manipulate the healing process. But I have things to do, God, people to see--so give me the microwave version so I can get on with my life. (Ouch, I know, I know--messed up)

As my best friend so perfectly put it, 

"You can't have a break-through without it breaking you."

There is no quick-fix version--something I've been painfully realizing, and repenting for lately.

Saying "I'm ok" doesn't just make your problems disappear, as if pretending they aren't there makes them irrelevant. Another lie I had been telling myself was that I shouldn't have problems. That maybe if I kept saying "I'm ok," I actually would be. 

John 16:33 says, "In this world you will have trouble; but take heart! I have overcome the world." I've always loved this Scripture for the second part: that He has overcome the world, but I guess I always ignored the first part, about having trouble (who wants that?). But He tells us we WILL have it, and pretending we don't does not make our lives any easier. But we are not without hope! Jesus Christ HAS overcome the world, and in Him we find the best place of refuge. 

Our problem-free living is in Heaven, and while on earth, we will face sin and we will face problems, but as long as we (I) don't fall into the trap of "I'm ok," these painful realizations like the one I recently experienced don't have to stop us from living the life He paid so much for. Because lies do stop you from living, but luckily, we know the Giver of Life, and He is always ready to take us in and cause us to live again.

So I hope my honesty has reached you wherever you are in your walk with God, and I encourage you to be honest: with yourself and with God. Before it's too late, ask yourself if you've been lying, if you've been "ok." And when you're ready, when you "get serious about finding [Him] and want it more than anything else, [He'll] make sure you won't be disappointed." (Jeremiah 29:13)