If... then why?

Last week I eluded to the portion of scripture in which God promises His peace that “surpasses understanding” (found in Philippians 4:7).  For as long as I have read that verse, I have translated it to mean that the peace itself could not be understood. That the concept of God’s peace is just plain indescribable. For many, this verse means exactly that but for me, well...  In light of recent events I have come to know this verse to have a much deeper meaning, a deeper truth to stand on.  That sometimes it isn’t the peace that’s indescribable but life itself.  That when the circumstances or situations you are facing offer you little to no understanding, peace still comes.  That it trumps our need to have all of our questions answered, that before we have it all figured out, we can still walk in peace.

 

This is encouraging when you are facing big decisions and have questions like who, what, where or when (like when trying to find your purpose, deciding which college to attend, knowing whether or not to get peanut or regular M&M’s) but there is another set of questions that is much harder to leave unanswered.  To accept the peace without understanding.  They are the questions of “why”.

 

Why do bad things happen to good people?  Why did God allow Pastor Lori to die?  Why did she only get 47 years of life? Why was my faith not enough?  Why keep praying?  Why still believe in miracles?  If God can heal, then why didn’t He heal her?

 

The questions of why is often the cause for many Christians to lose faith altogether.  Because these questions will never be answered to our liking or to the extent that we think we need them to be.  The answers will never be good enough to replace what was lost.  I am facing the darkest times of my life right now and I can tell you that the answers are not, and will never be, “enough”.

 

The only comfort I find is when I allow myself to move beyond understanding and accept the peace.  The peace that guards my heart and mind.  The peace that reminds me of the words in Proverbs 3:5-6 to “trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean NOT on your own UNDERSTANDING.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths”.  The peace that… surpasses… understanding.

 

When Jesus was being crucified He hung between two men.  The first man looked at Jesus and asked Him “if…then why”.  If you are the son of God, then why can’t you call angels down to save you?  Many of us can relate to this man.  If you think of the brevity of the situation then you know why he asked such a thing.  Jesus had done miracles on earth.  Raised the dead, fed five thousand with a child’s lunch, opened the eyes of the blind, healed the sick; unbelievable things.  Pulling Himself off of a cross in which he was only held up by three wooden nails was nothing in comparison to all of these, so then why?  Why did He have to stay there?  If He is the son of God, then why?  If He is capable then why?  

 

The second thief didn’t care of the reason why, even though I am sure he thought of it too.  Instead the thief asked to join Jesus in heaven.  If everything He said was true, then no matter his lack of answers- he wanted what Jesus had promised.  The first man asked for understanding while the second man asked for eternal life.  The first man looked at his situation while the second looked at his Savior.

 

I can’t say that in this moment I feel much like the second thief.  In my heart, I want to.  I want to rejoice that Pastor Lori is whole and complete and walking with Jesus.  That she won the ultimate prize.  That this was the best for her even if it was what feels like the worst for us.  Even if it was not what we set our faith out for.  I want to REALLY believe this, but right now it is a truth that I am not fond of.  I am not ok.  I am not rejoicing… yet.

 

I may not get my answers here on earth, you may not either for whatever situation you are facing, and we have to be willing to accept that.  There are just some things that will never be understood.  We only see a small part of the greater picture and it isn’t our job to always know why.  It is our job to trust and be led by God, and He in His goodness allows peace to come in spite of our lack of answers.  Because the peace surpasses understanding.  

 

Life may not always be good but God is.  Trust Him.  He can be trusted.

 

 

 

Ephesians 3:1-4

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: 

A time to be born, and a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance;

The Victory is Finally Complete

Philippians 4:7 "and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,

will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

 

Peace which surpasses all understanding… all… understanding. 

 

Peace that wades through the aftermath of unimaginable circumstances and gives you the strength to get out of bed in the morning.  Peace that lifts up your head and allows you to face another day.  Peace that quiets the insurmountable pain and replaces confusion with stillness.  Peace that cannot and will never be understood, because it just doesn’t make sense. 

 

I need THAT kind of peace today.

 

 

*  *  *  *  *

 

Nine years ago I got a call that would forever change my life.  I had decided to not go the traditional college route after graduating high school and instead pursued my heart for ministry through a program called Master’s Commission.  This particular Saturday I was driving with a few friends to help out in a needy part of Roseville when the director of MC called to tell me that the Antekeier family had asked to be my host home for my first year.  It was a huge relief because this wonderful couple had been my youth pastors for the 3 years prior and I was excited to move into their home.

 

Cody and CJ, their two boys, had opted to share a room so that I could stay with them.  I had shared a room my whole life and new the independence that they were giving up.  I always appreciated that.  Throughout that year there were many many memories made, but even more so- lessons learned.  I learned what it meant to be a wife and a mother.  To be a youth pastor and a friend.  I learned how to really think about everything I said or did, and do things on purpose.  I learned how to prepare myself for things I wanted in life.  I learned how to ask forgiveness and get back up when I made a mistake.  I learned how to pay attention to detail and to do things with excellence.  I learned what meekness not weakness looked like.  Pastor Lori modeled it all.  I learned so much that year and for the nine years following it and still had so much more to learn. 

 

*  *  *  *  *

 

Last night my husband and I got another kind of call.  The call that comes in the middle of the night and shakes you to the core of your being.  She was gone.  My Pastor Lori was gone.  This amazing woman who had become like a second mother was gone.  After an incredible battle with leukemia, she would leave her earthly body and meet her Jesus in the sky.

 

I can’t tell you the amount of hurt that I have faced today.  I am sure it is nothing in comparison to what her family is facing.  With any loss you have questions of “why her” or “why now”.  The questions intensify and turn from grief to anger.  With fists clenched you want to scream at the sky and get some answers but there are no answers to be found.  I hate that there are no answers… but even without them I will still trust my Father in heaven.  I have questions but even greater, I have a Father who covers me with His peace that surpasses my need to understand.

 

I am reminded in this moment of when Paul said in Philippians 1- “ I’m torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me. But for your sakes, it is better that I continue to live.”  It was better for her to go.  To be at peace.  To be whole and healed, dancing with her Savior whom she loved so much.  But for me, and for so many others it was not better.  It is not better.  When I think of me I am saddened and angry, but when I think of my Pastor Lori I am relieved.  She lived a selfless life, and in this moment I need to learn one last lesson from her- to be selfless.  

 

For myself and many others I am hurting, but for you I am so thankful.

You can rest now Momma, you can be with your Jesus and rest.

 

"Faith fights so we fight in faith until the victory is complete". 

She has fought.  She has won the ultimate prize- heaven. 

The victory is finally complete.

To Each Their Own

As a mother of two boys I have heard my fair share of screams.  There is the “brother has my toy” scream, the “you’re not paying attention to me” scream, the “I’m too tired to communicate” scream, the “I hurt myself” scream, the “I’m dying” scream and then, the worst of all, the “I just got a shot” scream.  Not I’ve BEEN shot.  But the… “you took me to the dr. and they pierced my innocent skin with what seems like a ten inch needle that reached to the depths of my soul” kind of shot. 

 

Taking my five year old into the doctor’s for anything that requires a shot is pretty much my sign to prepare myself for total embarrassment because the world is about to end.  He literally screams at the nurse with huge crocodile tears and every time I feel like the worst mother imaginable.  Realizing that this can be such a traumatic event (as it was for me also growing up), I made sure to speak very nicely when the nurse came in to give my youngest son his round of shots for his one year old checkup.  I am sure this is the part of the job that they dislike the least, unless they are a special kind of person who thrives on torturing children.  I think I have met a few of those.  In this case it was a sweet elderly woman and I braced myself for what was sure to be a doosy.  I held Jacob’s legs down, turned away, and closed my eyes as if the action of not seeing would actually help the situation.  And then I heard something that I had never heard before…

 

“I’ve never gotten that reaction” the nursed said as she was putting his clothes back on.  What reaction?  Is he ok?  Did he die?  Did you even go through with it?  What happened exactly?

 

I looked up at the nurse who was smiling from ear to ear and she simply said- “he scowled at me”.  Instead of screaming bloody murder or kicking her in the face as justifiable payback, Jacob just simply took it like a baby and scowled. 

 

I could hardly believe it so I decided to go against my motherly instinct of closing my eyes and watched his face as he got his most recent immunizations.  Sure enough, my little 19 month old albino baby looked straight into the nurse’s eyes and after getting three shots his once smiling face turned into one of silent anger.  I didn’t know whether to be proud or frightened of him.  What kind of a baby just scowls?

 

After writing the blog last week on “What The What” I have gone through my own plethora of feelings as we all do in the course of a week.  We never know what life will throw at us or how to prepare ourselves for such an event.  And in each situation I have come to realize that everyone reacts differently.  There is no “right” or “wrong” way to feel.  They just are what they are.  Reactions.  Feelings. 

 

It would be so much easier to not feel, to not have to deal with the filtering of our own emotions.  To just know the right thing, believe the right thing and do the right thing without the constant nagging of feelings getting in the way.  Life would be so much easier that way.  To not have to look at a mirror and FEEL worthless, FEEL like a failure, FEEL weak, FEEL invisible, FEEL anything that isn’t the truth that the Word speaks about us.  But we do have those feelings.  Some may cry, some scream, some scowl, but we all have our own unique feelings.

 

I don’t know what you are facing, what mountain of an emotion that has come up in your own life, but I am praying for you.  I am praying that the feeling and all of the reasons for it will be silenced by the peace that comes from the Word of God.  That you would rest in Him knowing that it may not be all right in this moment but He is enough to get you through.  That sometimes you don’t have the strength to stare something in the face and say “You shall not pass” but you can look calmly into the eyes of the one who has hurt you and whisper to yourself “despite how I feel right now, I still choose to forgive you” even if it is with a scowl on your face.  And then tomorrow when you wake up and that thing rises back up you remind yourself that you still choose to forgive.  And you choose it for every day after that. 

 

I do not write this as one who feels they have it all together, but as one who has had her own strength drained from her body.  One who’s assurance has now been replaced with a quiet confusion.  One who’s own voice has been reduced to a whisper.  I choose God over this hurt; I choose truth over this feeling, I CHOOSE.  It hurts and I don’t understand but I choose.  I am not reacting or handling it like that person over there, but I choose.  It’s taking a little longer than expected but I choose.   What happened wasn’t right but it doesn’t mean that I have to sacrifice my righteousness for it, I STILL CHOOSE.  You can do it.  We can do it.  With all the boldness of a lion or the meekness of a sheep... to each their own.

 

  

2 Corinthians 12:9

"But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!"  AMP

WHAT-THE-WHAT… WHAT am I feeling?... THE reason is… WHAT does the Word say?

 

 

What The What

I have been thinking a lot lately that I should get a few books to read, for fun.  I see all these intelligent women post pictures of themselves reading in a park on a sunny day and I think, that looks so relaxing.  If you have known me for very long then you would see how absurd this is, because I am not… a “reader”.  Not for fun anyway.  I read to get information, to get guidance, to get opinion, to get encouragement, but certainly not for fun.  My mind races around to a thousand different things that I could be doing to benefit me in the five minutes it takes to get through the first paragraph after rereading it time after time because I really wasn’t reading it at all.  That being said, I have been thinking about getting a book.  Not just any book, but something I might actually enjoy so that I do not feel like I wasted minutes of my life that I can never get back.  So naturally I thought of the movies I have seen.

 

People always say that this or that movie “wasn’t as good as the book”.  It always makes me think, “yes, but I only wasted an hour and a half of my life instead of ten”.  I know, I’m a horrible person. 

 

One popular movie series in particular stood out to me- and no it is not Twilight- it’s The Lord of the Rings.  I just love the part in the movie where Gandolf is standing on the bridge and yelling to the enemy “YOU SHALL NOT PASS”.  It gives me goose bumps just thinking about it.  To stare certain death in the face and with all confidence declare that it will go no further.

 

I haven’t read the book yet, but if I were going to read one, I would read that one.

 

Where does that leave this post?  I recently spoke at a youth summer camp, to two large groups of teenage girls.  I talked to them about something we all face at various times- per minute.  Something that has proven to tear down lives and destroy futures.  This powerful thing that we all face? Our feelings.   I can’t speak for you but when I am emotionally wound up about something I don’t always think rationally.  If I see a person of any age be harsh with one of my sons, it’s not just Momma Bear that comes out but a whole lot of crazy too.  And while I strongly respect and uphold the ten commandments in my daily life, I will give no second thought to murdering any woman who even looks at my husband with a twinkle in her eye.  Why?  Because of feelings.  Unrestrained, pure illogical, FEELINGS. 

 

What do we do with these feelings?  Are we wrong for having them?  Is it ok as a Christian to be sad?  Is it ok to cry?  The more I think about this topic, the more I can’t help but think- we were CREATED to have emotions.  Jesus had emotions.  He was ANGRY when He turned over the tables in the temple, He was SAD when He heard of his friend’s death, He was UNCERTAIN when He asked if there were another way in the garden.  We don’t work up an emotion on our own; a feeling is a part of a natural reaction to a situation that we are facing.  So what do we do with these feelings?

 

In one of my posts a few months back I wrote about the sadness I was facing as we learned that we had lost our third baby early in our pregnancy.  I referred to the scripture Ephesians 4:26 (“be angry and sin not”) to show how we can be justified to have an emotion but not to allow that emotion to lead us to doing something that is against the word of God.

 

We can be justified in feeling offended, but choose not to gossip.  We can be justified in feeling lonely, but choose not to dive into an impure relationship.  We can be justified in feeling depressed but choose not to allow ourselves to withdraw from life.  Your feelings, my feelings, are justified.

 

So what do we do with these very real, very valid feelings? We WHAT-THE-WHAT with them (something you may have seen me post as a part of a new trend I hope to start with Teen girls via Facebook and instagram with WhatTheWhatWednesdays).  WHAT am I feeling?  Put a name on it.  The first step to any recovery is labeling the issue.  So what is it exactly that you are feeling.  It has a name.  THE reason is… Understand that there are real circumstances for why you feel the way you do.  Life is full of trials and triumphs.  And if you are in the middle of it right now, I am so so sorry.  I have been there too.  Lift your head up and allow yourself to feel.  God does not expect you to be a robot.  Talk through what happened, but then don’t stop there!  Don’t get into the circle of only asking yourself WHAT-THE and never getting to the last WHAT.  That is how we get ourselves into trouble.  Only focusing on our feelings and what happened to us.  After you have identified WHAT you are feeling and THE reason, ask yourself WHAT does the Bible say?

 

The Bible says to “guard our hearts above all else”.  Remember Gandolf?  He was guarding Froto so that he wouldn’t be harmed.  Gandolf is like the Word that keeps guard over our hearts and minds.  When offense, hatred, loneliness, lust, depression or any other feeling you face tries to lay root in your heart, Gandolf rises up and says “YOU SHALL NOT PASS”.  Not this heart.  Not today.  I know it hurts right now, but God is faithful and will see me through this. If you don’t know what the Word says then you are left defenseless for an attack.  You are allowing passage for the very enemy of your soul to tear you down piece by piece, one feeling led action to another.   No one wakes up wanting to commit murder, adultery or suicide, they allow one thought, one feeling, to fester too long and do something that they can never take back.  Find a leader, pastor, or Godly parent to help you search for a scripture to stand on when you are facing a giant of an emotion, or do it the new way and google it (just make sure to use a credible source like biblegateway.com or bible.com to prevent from wrong information). 

 

The world says to follow your heart, but that isn’t what the bible teaches.  It is impossible to both follow and guard something.  So my friends, know that you’re feelings are real and they happen for a reason- but they will lead you down a path with no end.   Guard them.  Above all else.  With any circumstance, any feeling you face, use WHAT THE WHAT and see just how faithful God is to see you through! 

 

Stand your ground, look that feeling in the face and shout “YOU SHALL NOT PASS”.

 

 

 

Ephesians 6:13-14

“Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.  Stand therefore,…”

 

It's not YOU, it's ME!

When was the last time you lost a friend?  It used to be much harder to know and then this crazy thing called social media came up with this button that made everyone painfully aware of when they had done something that wasn’t pleasing to someone else.  You know exactly which button I am referring to- it was eloquently named: Defriend.

I have to admit, for someone who loves having friends and making others feel happy this whole “defriend” thing could just be the death of me.  I have struggled for most of my life finding the balance between pleasing God and pleasing people.  I enjoy serving others, I find great joy in making someone laugh or smile through their tears, I love listening to what other people are dreaming up for their own life, and I even look forward to filtering through mountain loads of selfies and food pictures to know what my friends are doing.  Then if I were to get painfully transparent with you I would also tell you how I often sacrifice my own needs for others.  Not the “giving up my lunch so someone that is hungry can eat” kind of need, but the need to spend time with God, or the need to rest because it has been an overwhelming week and I can barely keep my eyes open kind of sacrifice.  I have a hard time saying no because I want to make people happy; I don’t want to disappoint anyone.  I need to not disappoint anyone.    

 

Thus the love hate relationship with social media.

 

It is so easy to get upset and just “clean out our lists”.  Don’t get me wrong, there are many times that God convicts me on the people I choose to get close enough to influence my life but then there are “friends” or people that I am acquainted with that I don’t necessarily agree with lifestyle, political, or religious beliefs but enjoy staying in contact with.  Not to compare myself to Jesus because I am a far way off, but even Jesus Himself hung out with tax collectors and I can assure you that He was not excited about their life choices.

 

I may even go one step further and say that if Jesus had a Facebook He would find a way to disable the Defriend button.  The Bible says that He comes to ALL who call out His name.  That Jesus died a gruesome death for ALL.  Not just the socially acceptable.  Or even the morally acceptable.  ALL.  

 

I was a hot mess when I called out to God and He loved me.   Not only does He choose to love me but He also calls me friend.  (Insert the best Youtube video ever of a super old band singing “Jesus is a Friend of Mine” here).  He will never walk away from me.  He will never ignore me.  He will never deny my very existence.  And while Jesus will never do these things, people surely will.  I have caught myself in such despair from time to time seeing that yet again I had “lost” another friend.  Whether it was me, my personal convictions, my family, my political or religious beliefs, my friends, or even my church that had offended them- I now find myself one friend less.  With every people pleasing desire in my body I struggle searching out the reason to persuade them to “love me” again or even just “like me”; to mend what had happened and plead to move on.  But for some this is not an option.  For some they cannot love me, they can however  forget me altogether or, even worse, hate me instead.

 

I have been told that I have my very own “hate club”, that I am a poor excuse for a pastor.  I have heard things that would make me question the very calling on my life.  I do not say this for your pity, but for you to understand that I have been there.  At one particularly low time I can remember thinking to myself, “but I did everything right, I didn’t DO anything this time, there is nothing to apologize for, this isn’t my fault.”  Have you ever thought that?  That you were in the right or had done everything you should to make it right and you were still being shunned?  I have found that after doing all that is required of me according to the scriptures that if a person is still unwilling to move beyond the situation it is usually not a reflection of me at all.

 

If Jesus were to say anything to you facing a similar circumstance, it would be this… “it’s not you, it’s ME”.  It sounds like a silly line a boy would say to a girl when he wanted to break up but it’s true.  The Bible says in John 15:18 that “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first.”  There will be times in life that the only reason you are being hated or persecuted will be because of the name of Jesus.  He was PERFECT and they HATED Him.  I am not perfect, I am far from, but there have been times when I had done nothing wrong but was still treated with hatred.  This world will hate you for standing for what is right.  They will call you a hypocrite, a freak, or a bigot.  They will tell you that you are the one full of hate and that you should not only accept them but celebrate them. 

 

To all of that I say this- lift your head up my friend, it’s not YOU it’s Him in you that they hate.  The next time that you lose a friend because of your belief in God or you moral convictions I pray that you do not take it to heart.  It isn’t you, it’s Him.  Stop beating yourself up, stop overthinking what you could have done differently, stop letting the situation take your joy from you, stop letting it rob you of your sleep.  The only thing you need to do now is love!  Love them, despite them.  Love them because He loves them.  Love them from a distance if needed, but do not allow hatred to find a place in your heart.  They may persecute you, but love them anyways. 

 

Don’t take it personal, it’s not you it’s Me!

 

 

 

John 15:19-21

¹⁹ The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you. ²⁰ Do you remember what I told you? ‘A slave is not greater than the master.’ Since they persecuted me, naturally they will persecute you. And if they had listened to me, they would listen to you. ²¹ They will do all this to you because of me, for they have rejected the one who sent me.

What am I supposed to do with this???

A washcloth- that is what she handed me to solve the problem… a washcloth.  There are many uses for a washcloth but this is not one of them, what am I supposed to do with this?!- I kept saying to myself.  It’s just… so… gross.

 

I am sure you are wondering to yourself what problem I could have possibly been facing that would have made this “solution” so disturbing in so many ways, and for your curiosity and the sake of this blog post I will tell you.

 

I needed a toilet scrubber.

 

Now do you see why a washcloth is NOT the answer I had hoped for?!  I had lived with my youth pastors for all of one week, two at the most, and I was in the process of cleaning my bathroom when I realized that their toilet scrubber was not in the usual places.  Most people keep it right next to the plunger behind the toilet.  Some even keep it under a cabinet for sanitary reasons, but this thing was nowhere to be found.   When I asked where it could be I fully expected an obvious place that I hadn’t thought to look, or even that I had overlooked it all together but not this.  She didn’t trust these wonderful inventions to really clean the disgusting things that were left behind in the toilet.  She CHOSE to stick her hand right down in there and clean the inside of it herself.  Using a rubber glove doesn’t even make me feel better.  MY HAND IS WILLINGLY GOING INTO THE SAME WATER THAT… well… you know… things happen.   She was asking me to go where no hand (of mine at least) had ever gone before.

 

And to make matters even more interesting, this was also the bathroom used by their two junior high aged boys.  Do you see the problem?  I rest my case.  I think I sat in front of that toilet for a good five or ten minutes before I put that glove on, picked up that washcloth, and looking away placed my hand inside of the water.  If my Pastor Lori can do this and believes it to be the only way to truly clean a toilet, then surely I can do this too.  As disgusting as it was I can say with all certainty when it was over, that this toilet was CLEAN.

 

I have wanted to share this story for a few weeks now, ever since I visited with my Pastor Lori in the hospital.  This once fierce lady who would without question or reserve stick her hand inside of a toilet, or with a finger to your nose call you to the carpet for any fowl choice that was made, is now battling the ultimate fight for her life.  She was in remission for many many years now, but her leukemia has come back with a vengeance.  It doesn’t matter if you are the world’s strongest man, cancer will pick on who it wants to, when it wants to.  I cannot begin to describe to you the way that my breath was taken from me when I first saw the toll that it had taken on her body.  How just by looking at her you knew that she had been fighting every day for each new breath.  How I dare not cry in front of her for her sake.  She is strong.  She will beat this.  She is, after all, willing to take life by her own hands and use a washcloth when necessary.  She is my Pastor Lori… she is my hero.

 

She taught me to confront issues even if it meant getting a little messy. 

 

She taught me to do the right thing even when it felt like the worst thing. 

 

She taught me to fight even if it meant losing a few rounds.   

 

 

I am where I am today because of Pastor Joe and Lori Antekeier’s love and commitment to the Lord, and for that I am eternally grateful.   

 

 

If you find yourself today facing a mountain of a problem, be encouraged.  Don’t be afraid to stick your hand right in there and clean up that… stuff.   Sometimes it takes you getting a little messy to truly get your victory.  Put on your fighting gloves (your faith), and pick up your washcloth (the Word) and get in there! 

 

 

You got problems, I got problems, all God's children got problems (forgive the awful use of grammar for the sake of an old saying).  It is in these moments that we face from time to time that I am taken back to when she would share her favorite verse with me, to remind me about what it is all about.

Micah 6:8

He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?

 

 

 

I am doing my best to live right, to love always, and to never forget the reason of why we are all here.  Keep fighting Pastor Lori, I have so much more to learn!!!

 

“Faith fights so we fight in faith until the victory is complete.”

-Pastor Joe Antekeier

A bunch of Humpty Dumpty People

Today is my first day back in “routine”, so to speak, after a wonderful beach vacation with my little family.  You would think by looking at my third cup of coffee (so far) that it wasn’t much of a vacation, but I assure you it was WONDERFUL!  Jacob was teething and kept us up most nights.  Michael exercised his right to say “no” and I exercised my right to parent which meant keeping him inside the trailer for hours at a time.  We spent hours in a car and even more hours applying sunscreen to our very pale second child (ok, that might be an exaggeration but we did spend quite some time to adequately cover every inch of his body).   We missed every whale and dolphin siting, and gave up our almost comfortable bed so our friends could stay with us a few nights.  But all of that is nothing compared to the joy that filled my heart as I saw my parents stand up from inside of the trailer as we walked in, scaring the daylights out of me, or my boys laughing and running alongside the ocean as if it carried away all of their cares and worries with the tide.  There is something so calming, so peaceful about the sound of the waves, the smell of salt in the air, or the feeling of the sun on your skin.  Vacation.  Glorious vacation.

 

On our last night at the beach we took a walk with our little family along the shoreline.  Michael promptly began his search for sand dollars left by the ocean solely for him to find.  We came across quite a few along the way.  All broken of course.  The many, many broken ones didn’t deter him from running up and down the water’s edge examining each lump in the sand with hopeful expectation.   At the end of our trip he had found three.  And when I say that he found three what I really mean is that I very subtly guided his footsteps so that he would notice the whole shells that I had already seen.  I am thankful there were some to find, it is hard to explain to a four year old boy that he must give up his quest without anything to show for it.  I am sure we have all been in that situation where we have been searching or waiting for something for hours, weeks, or even days without any luck.  It is saddening.  Disheartening.  Even painful. 

 

As a junior in high school on that very same beach, I remember walking up and down the shoreline wanting so badly to just find one whole sand dollar that I could take home to remind me of our trip.  Every time I thought I had found one, I would turn it over to see that the birds had gotten to it first.  It was irritating at first and then that irritation turned into frustration.  I finally (almost jokingly) said out loud to the heavens, “God, why can’t I just find one?”  I am not one to say that God speaks to me audibly every day, but in that moment I could almost hear Him say to me- “I didn’t come for the whole ones, I came for the broken.”  I stopped dead  in my tracks.  Uncertain of what had just happened.   Was that Him?  Was He listening?  Was He listening to me this whole time as I hopelessly walked back and forth frustrated with my lack of finding anything that met my standards?  Those words made such an impact on me that I stopped what I was doing, and began picking up the broken pieces.  He was teaching me in that moment.  Teaching me about what it meant to care for the brokenness of people, to not judge or hate or look away but extend a hand or shoulder to cry on.  To be the light.  To show the love of God.  Because He didn’t send His son to an earth filled with perfect people, He sent His son to an earth filled with brokenness. 

 

Sometimes what we are looking for is not what we are meant to find.  God’s ways are above our ways, His thoughts above our thoughts (Isaiah 55:9).  He can see the whole picture, He sees what we cannot see, and in His goodness very subtly He guides our footsteps so that we notice what He already knows to be true.  We look for happiness in experiences and He shows us true happiness found in a relationship with Him.  We look for love and acceptance from people and He shows us that we already have His love and acceptance.  We look for purpose in everyday life and He shows us that we were created with purpose for everyday life.  We are looking for the wrong things.  We are getting frustrated and tired because we have spent too much time looking for the wrong things.

 

The next party or high may make you happy for a moment but it will not last.  The acceptance of the popular crowd or butterflies in your stomach from a boyfriend may make you feel loved for a moment but it will not last.  The job that takes up 40-50 hours of your week may make you feel full of purpose for a moment but it will not last.  Maybe, just maybe, you are looking for the wrong thing.

 

Let’s lift up our eyes.  It is bigger than all of this my friends.  Let’s not get so discouraged with broken shells that we miss the lesson altogether.  For me, if I would have found what I was looking for that day it would have gotten broken, forgotten and thrown away by now. But the image of the broken sand dollars scattered on the shores, being stepped on every day by careless and unknowing people, picked at by birds scouring the ground for food, is something that I remember so vividly even to this day.  It is where my journey and heart for ministry began.  Where I found my purpose, not my job, for waking up every morning. Broken people.   In all of my strength and hot glue I could never restore the wholeness that was taken from those shells.  But everyday I wake up praying that I can help others get a little closer to the knowledge of a loving God who is the only one who can put a bunch of Humpty Dumpty people like us together again.

 

Take a deep breath.  Lift up your eyes.  Take a step back.  And ask God what you might be missing.  Who knows, it could just lead you to the edge of a vast ocean… staring down at some broken shells.

 

 

Proverbs 16:25

There is a way that seems right to a man

and appears straight before him,

but at the end of it is the way of death.

 

 

Matthew 16:52-54

Then Jesus said to him, Put your sword back into its place,

for all who draw the sword will die by the sword.⁵³ Do you suppose

that I cannot appeal to My Father, and He will immediately provide Me

with more than twelve legions [more than 80,000] of angels?

⁵⁴ But how then would the Scriptures be fulfilled,

that it must come about this way?