Leaving My P#*% Stash In Michigan, Pt. 1

By Emily Bansuelo

Sing it with me, the old hymnal song some of you may be familiar with, “I have decided to follow Jesus, I have decided to follow Jesus, I have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back, no turning back.” I hated that song, for a couple of reasons. One, it always seemed to put me to sleep, and two I was always really good at turning back. My entire life, I grew up hearing, singing, playing on the piano songs like these. I was the girl who was really good at playing a game many people consider themselves aficionados, “CHURCH”. It’s a really boring game, but for some reason, I felt obligated to play this game. Every once in a while I would have moments of losing this game and actually have a relationship with Jesus, but alas I would always turn back.

 

I would turn back to P#*%. The “P” word. The word that was only whispered from the pulpit. And if it was talked about it was only geared toward the guys in the room. Yes that word.  Porn.  Have you ever been swimming and had someone swim behind you -dunking your head under the water repeatedly? Or if you’ve been in the ocean and you get caught in a wave, you fight to swim to the shore but the wave keeps taking you under? That’s pretty much how I felt near the end of middle school and through the entirety of high school. A girl who was drowning, isolated, and feeling completely helpless. Better known as being in the DICH.  All because of that four letter word. 

 

At the ripe age of 18 I had graduated high school and was working full-time as a nanny, living in my DICH. That’s when I had, had enough. I was sitting at the kitchen table with my mom, and I knew at that moment I had to confess the sin I was living in. I didn’t want to keep turning back anymore. It was crazy because I couldn’t even speak it, I literally had to write on a piece of paper and slide it across the table. Oh the thoughts that were running through my mind, “Would she disown me? Would she storm out of the house? What if she can’t look at me? I’m so disgusting…” Then before I know it my mom looks at me, gets out of her chair, comes over to me and slaps me across the face! JUST KIDDING!!! She didn’t do that, I just wanted to see if you were paying attention. Let’s pick that back up, she walks over to where I’m sitting, tears coming down my face, and she says, “Emily, I love you.”

 

That moment changed everything. I finally gave a voice to my greatest fear and instead of killing me, it set me free.  Not too long after, Jesus called me to Sacramento, CA. This was it, like the Israelites, he was calling me out of slavery (Exodus 3:7-8). Like his disciples, he was calling me away from my mundane jobs and even my family (Matthew 4:18-22). Like Paul, he was calling me out of the game called, “Church”, and into a reality of Jesus’ love and freedom (Acts 9). This was it, THIS WAS IT!!! My car was packed, and I was leaving my P#*% stash in Michigan. I could finally sing with such excitement, “I HAVE DECIDED TO FOLLOW JESUS, NO TURNING BACK, NO TURNING BACK.”

James 5:16

 ^“Confess to one another therefore your faults (your slips, your false steps, your offenses, your sins) and pray [also] for one another, that you may be healed and restored [to a spiritual tone of mind and heart].”