You Again?

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas… ok so maybe it’s not really looking like Christmas but these cold mornings and the wonderful radio station that started playing Christmas music already has me in the Christmas mood.  As a child I remember watching White Christmas during this fall season and thinking how wonderful it would be to wake up and see snow.  It would be just perfect.  You could make snowmen and snow angels, have a snowball fight.  It sounds great doesn’t it?  White, wonderful, glorious, snow.

 

And then I come back to reality and realize that I hate being outside in the snow.  Seriously, it’s cold and wet and potentially very dangerous.  I tried snowboarding once (keyword TRIED) and it was awful.  I was talked into riding to the top of the mountain with this amazing guy that once up there laughed as I fell sideways into a mound of powder and left me there freezing my tush off until one of the workers came to rescue me.  A real gem that guy.  I married him.

 

When I think of snow now I think of that day.  I had a huge oversized snow jacket that weighed fifty pounds (that may be a slight exaggeration but not much of one) and these huge boots on.  After being left for what seemed like forever by myself on the side of a mountain I decided to wait inside for the remainder of the trip.  It was much safer for a girl like me in there.  I was there for hours in a stuffy lodge with this heavy coat and huge boots on stinking like a junior high boy because I had forgotten to take the snow items off.  I didn’t need them anymore but I had taken a mental vacation and didn’t realize it.

 

I’m reminded of that silly girl sitting in the lodge sometimes when crazy seasons of life hits.  When the storms come and unload barrels of snow onto your sunny days and seem to weigh you down.  When you reach for the jacket to protect yourself only to later realize that you have a lodge that you can run to for safety.  But once inside you sit there like a total nerd forgetting to take the dumb coat off so you don’t know which was more miserable- being outside trapped in the snow, or inside sitting in your own sweat. 

 

That heavy coat for me was the years that I battled with depression as a teenager.  Things would happen and this coat of sadness would drape over me causing me to be numb, protecting me from what I thought would hurt me but really all it was doing was preventing me from experiencing true joy.  I felt like a zombie walking through life until I went to a youth summer camp and a man introduced me to Jesus.  It was like running inside from the storm.  It was warm and inviting in the midst of total chaos, a safe place to hide from the storm, my refuge. 

 

Even though I had found my way inside, I still sometimes forgot to take off my jacket.

 

This summer has been quite the stormy season.  I’ve been bombarded with the feeling of being a complete failure as a youth pastor, doubting the very influence and calling to ministry with teen girls that I have held so dear for years.  I’ve lost the woman who was both like a mother and a mentor to me.  I’ve struggled with my place in helping someone dear to me as they completely alter their life.  I’ve felt lonely, sad, incompetent, hurt, betrayed, lied about, taken advantage of, run over, and even a little depressed.

 

Me?  A youth pastor?  A woman devoted to speaking into girl’s lives about facing their struggles with strength and dignity?  Yes, me. 

 

I was staring at that very same teenage girl who was safely inside but still weighed down under the heavy coat of life.  It’s like I could see her sitting in the room with me and all I could think was, “you again?”  That’s not me.  That’s not who I am anymore.  I am a new creation in Christ, old things have passed away and God has made all things new… right? 

 

Right…ish.  God can only renew what we surrender to Him.  Yes He is our refuge.  Yes He is our redeemer.  Yes He is our strength and our joy.  But He can only be that if we CHOOSE for Him to be.  We have to choose to give Him the old self, the old thoughts, the old ways of doing things.  The old ways of reacting with hurt and bitterness and sadness.  When we take off the coat and give over to our loving Father, He takes it and replaces it with a cardigan of comfort.  Yep, that’s right.  Long live the cardigans.

 

But it doesn’t stop there.  When stormy seasons hit, the devil will always be out there in the snow ready to hand that heavy coat to you again.

 

Don’t do it!  Run inside where you can be safe.  Yes the storms will rage.  Yes there might be some damage done.  Yes you may have to walk two miles uphill both ways to get to a place of refuge.  But it is there.  For you.  And for me.

 

So I decline your heavy coat Sir Satan, and you can shove it where the sun don’t shine.  That’s not me anymore.  I am not that girl.  I know my word and I choose to plant my feet in it and stand my ground. 

 

 

Psalm 91:4-7

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.  You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.