Leaving My P#*% Stash In Michigan, Pt. 1

By Emily Bansuelo

Sing it with me, the old hymnal song some of you may be familiar with, “I have decided to follow Jesus, I have decided to follow Jesus, I have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back, no turning back.” I hated that song, for a couple of reasons. One, it always seemed to put me to sleep, and two I was always really good at turning back. My entire life, I grew up hearing, singing, playing on the piano songs like these. I was the girl who was really good at playing a game many people consider themselves aficionados, “CHURCH”. It’s a really boring game, but for some reason, I felt obligated to play this game. Every once in a while I would have moments of losing this game and actually have a relationship with Jesus, but alas I would always turn back.

 

I would turn back to P#*%. The “P” word. The word that was only whispered from the pulpit. And if it was talked about it was only geared toward the guys in the room. Yes that word.  Porn.  Have you ever been swimming and had someone swim behind you -dunking your head under the water repeatedly? Or if you’ve been in the ocean and you get caught in a wave, you fight to swim to the shore but the wave keeps taking you under? That’s pretty much how I felt near the end of middle school and through the entirety of high school. A girl who was drowning, isolated, and feeling completely helpless. Better known as being in the DICH.  All because of that four letter word. 

 

At the ripe age of 18 I had graduated high school and was working full-time as a nanny, living in my DICH. That’s when I had, had enough. I was sitting at the kitchen table with my mom, and I knew at that moment I had to confess the sin I was living in. I didn’t want to keep turning back anymore. It was crazy because I couldn’t even speak it, I literally had to write on a piece of paper and slide it across the table. Oh the thoughts that were running through my mind, “Would she disown me? Would she storm out of the house? What if she can’t look at me? I’m so disgusting…” Then before I know it my mom looks at me, gets out of her chair, comes over to me and slaps me across the face! JUST KIDDING!!! She didn’t do that, I just wanted to see if you were paying attention. Let’s pick that back up, she walks over to where I’m sitting, tears coming down my face, and she says, “Emily, I love you.”

 

That moment changed everything. I finally gave a voice to my greatest fear and instead of killing me, it set me free.  Not too long after, Jesus called me to Sacramento, CA. This was it, like the Israelites, he was calling me out of slavery (Exodus 3:7-8). Like his disciples, he was calling me away from my mundane jobs and even my family (Matthew 4:18-22). Like Paul, he was calling me out of the game called, “Church”, and into a reality of Jesus’ love and freedom (Acts 9). This was it, THIS WAS IT!!! My car was packed, and I was leaving my P#*% stash in Michigan. I could finally sing with such excitement, “I HAVE DECIDED TO FOLLOW JESUS, NO TURNING BACK, NO TURNING BACK.”

James 5:16

 ^“Confess to one another therefore your faults (your slips, your false steps, your offenses, your sins) and pray [also] for one another, that you may be healed and restored [to a spiritual tone of mind and heart].”

 

 

Life isn't always easy

By Mikayla Moore

I was eleven years old in fifth grade. At that age my life wasn't really that complicated; it consisted of just two things, school and church. I lived in Tulsa Oklahoma and attended a school called Lincoln Christian School. The church and school were connected and my dad was a pastor there. Everyone knew who I was, I was so popular and was friends with everyone. Everything was perfect. I had two girls that I had gotten to know extremely well, they were like my sisters, or like we called it "BFFL". I didn't know that my life was about to flip.

I had gotten home from school one day to see my mom and dad sitting on the couch, they asked me to sit with them and I knew something was up. It was then that they told me two words that I never in a million years would have expected to hear, "we're moving." Of course there was more to it than that but that was all I heard. When I heard those two dreaded words my eyes welled up with tears, I turned to my mom and just sobbed in her lap.  Soon my sadness turned to anger and I got up to run upstairs to my room. When I got there I fell onto my bed and I couldn't do anything but cry, so that's what I did I  cried... and cried... and cried. I wasn't allowed to tell any of my friends so for a whole school year I had to keep it a secret. I know that it seems like at eleven years old it couldn't have been that big of a deal, but it was. When we moved that summer something inside of me twisted, and I began to feel myself slip into a deep depression.

You may think I was just being a baby but I had already moved once from Indiana, so when we moved to Oklahoma I made it my home. I planted my roots there, and moving to Visalia in California, a town where I knew no one, and I had never even heard of, it completely uprooted me. I didn't want to be involved in school, or church, and I began to get bitter and angry with my parents and my family. My brothers automatically fit in and found friends. I was just there. I was tired of my parents telling me that I had one foot here and one in Oklahoma, they told me to be "all in" here. I didn't want to be here, I wanted to go back home to Oklahoma. I convinced myself that I didn't belong here, that I was simply dragged along by my family. All I would do was lock myself in my room and cry most of the time.
    

Finally I came through, I began to make my way through the fog. And I'm so glad I did. Of course there was a ton of steps between this but now my family has started a church and I know I have a calling for kids church, at least for now. I realize now that if I hadn't moved, I wouldn't have been able to make an impact on the kids I see every Sunday. I love those kids. I still think about what it would be like sometimes if I had stayed in Tulsa. But any time I feel like I wish I was still there, I think about all the little faces I see in kids church. And I know I'm supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be here for all of them. And I know He has even bigger plans in store for me in the future. In three years of living here, I'm just now figuring out why God put me here. Me, Mikayla Moore, not the pastors kid, or the new girl. But me. And I wouldn't trade any of that time for anything, it was all worth it.
    

I may have not known it then, but there was not one second during those three years that God left me. When I was angry with Him, He was sitting right there by me. When I cried, His heart was breaking for me. When I questioned Him, He was chasing my heart. He was walking with me every step of the way. And He still is.

 

Life isn't always easy... but God is always good.

 

 

 

Psalm 27:13

"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed

that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."

What Now?

I’m not sure if there are enough adjectives in the English dictionary to describe our annual girl’s conference, this year’s theme of course being “Keepin’ It Classy”. So much freedom took place in the lives of so many. We heard powerful testimonies of lives redeemed by Jesus and received tools to walking out the life God created us for in our breakout sessions. We learned from Caitlin the power of compromise, but the greater power of allowing God’s best for our life. Meagan challenged us to make Jesus our #MCM by ‘making time’, having ‘constant communication’ and ‘mastering our purpose’ with Him.  Then Vanessa gave us the encouragement of a big sister telling us what to do when we have made a mistake or find ourselves in the middle of a trial, telling us to “Press on sweet girl, press on. You’re still called.”

We laughed to the hilarious Kara, whose impressions of celebrities are unmatched. I don’t know if we can ever forget her dancing abilities as she honed the skills of Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber and my personal favorite Nicki Minaj. Wow, just wow. Many of you participated in our Variety Show and gave us a glimpse of your flexibility, talent, bravery and humor.  Do you remember those Christian pick-up lines? “Are you looking for a knight in shining armor? Because I’ve got the full armor of God on right now.” Or, “So last night I was reading in the book of Numbers, and I realized, I don’t have yours.”

I can’t help, but wish I was back in that room laughing, crying and welcoming the presence of God in with you dear sisters, because it’s true, everything changes when He walks into the room.  It’s almost this homesick feeling in my heart, to be with you all again. It was such a safe and beautiful place.  Many of you found freedom there. For some of you it’s the place where it all began. I remember going away from conferences in the past and having this worry of falling right back into my old self that I desperately surrendered to Jesus.  Picking back up the things I had surrendered on those boxes. If you’re feeling that worry, hear this encouragement; God reminded me of this scripture that changed everything for me…

           

2 Corinthians 3:17- “…Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”

Yes, the spirit of the Lord was in that room at Keepin’ It Classy, but even more so, the spirit of the Lord is dwelling in you, right now! (1 Cor. 6:19) You received freedom last weekend. So walk in it, because the spirit of the living God is in you and with you ALWAYS.  And if you fall, get back up. Brush off the dust, turn toward Jesus, and keep walking.  He’s waiting for you with open arms.