Not too close!

Ever had one of those- I think every pore on my face just imploded creating a mountain range of pimples- kind of mornings?  I can remember getting so embarrassed in middle school and unloading almost an entire concealer onto my face thinking that it would take less attention away from the momentary acne.  Why didn’t anyone ever pull me aside in love and say, “you know honey, concealer will make you continue to break out”.  AH!  Had to learn that one the hard way.  In those moments the most terrifying thing that anyone could do would be to want to talk to me face to face because they never wanted to stand 10 feet away, they would want to stand REAL close.  The kind of close that not only pops a personal bubble but also makes you feel like they could see into the very depths of your soul.  Does anyone ever really focus on what they are saying in that moment, or are you like me- consumed with the “I wonder what they are thinking about my face”, “I hope they don’t think that I don’t wash my face”, “of course I wash my face”, “I wonder if I just say yes if they will walk away”, “this is the longest 1 minute conversation I have ever had”…

Now why would I talk about breaking out and what in the world does this have to do with anything.  Well girls, here it is.  I am a perfectionist.  It is a blessing and a curse.  I not only like things to be perfectly in place but I need them to be.  The Lord has been working on me so I am much better now but I can remember when my husband and I first got into ministry and thinking to myself I have to have it all together.  I can’t make mistakes.  I can’t fail because someone might see me.  Don’t get too close, I look better from a distance.  If you have been around very long you can recognize the pressure that Christians are under these days.  Constantly being scrutinized and called hypocritical, being made fun of in the media and put down.  It can cause a girl like me to push people away because if they got too close they would see that I am just a hot mess like everyone else.  I fail (like I talked about in the last post) and I make mistakes, I do not deserve a pedestal.  No one does. 

The problem with pedestals is that no one besides Christ has ever lived a blameless life.  We all miss the mark, we all blow it, and we all BREAK OUT!   If you were to get too close to anyone besides Jesus you would see how incredibly imperfect we all are.  That is why we all need Him, to be our strength when we are weak!  How encouraging!  Not only does God use people with flaws, but that is the ONLY kind of person He uses.  Because there is no other kind!  We are all at different places in life, working out our own salvation, and each striving to walk “worthy of the calling”- taking two steps forward and sometimes one step back.  I am not the big deal.  I often remind myself that I am only A way to THE way, I am not THE way.  So take the pressure off, you are not the source of any person's salvation!  You are only "a" way- and as Christians all roads should lead to Christ!  So thank God for the leaders in your life!  Look up to them, admire them, but in the same breath pray for them and love them!   Don’t be shocked when you get too close and find out that Superman is really just Clark Kent in some spandex and a silly cape.  Save the pedestal for the One who gave His son to die on a cross for you.  The One who never fails, never gives up, never has a bad day, and most certainly never has a break out.

Hebrews 12:2

² looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy

that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down

at the right hand of the throne of God.

Psst... you are the joy that was set before Him... Just thought I'd point that out!

Work in Progress

Have you ever seen the phrase "work in progress".  I have and it reminds me of one of the many incredibly phrased lines in a worship song that my home church sang often before God called us to Stockton, CA.  It says-“I’m not who I want to be but I’m not who I used to be”. I love that, isn’t it the truth. Over and over I think to myself, I am not who I want to be forgetting sometimes how far I have really come. It reminds me of Paul’s writings when he said “the things I want to do, I do not do. But the things I do not want to do, I do”. Ah yes, there it is. The human struggle of getting caught up in doing things we don’t want to, and even know not to do. Why do we do it? Why is it such a struggle sometimes to make right choices? I don’t know about you but I fail… often. I find myself doubting, gossiping, harboring resentment and unforgiveness; to put it simply- I FAIL.  

Not too many years ago while attending a youth camp as a counselor my youngest sister came down with some sort of flu so I let her sleep it off in the cabin. My whole life I hadn’t been nice to my sister, to be frank I was quite mean. Saying hurtful things sometimes, and just plain ignoring her the rest of the time. I was convicted of this after developing a relationship with God and knew that I needed to ask her forgiveness but I had too much pride to ever ask. While she was up in the cabin sleeping off a fever a few girls who had drove in for the day had started a rather large conversation in the room preventing my sister from resting. When I caught wind of it, I marched right in and yelled at them calling them “inconsiderate and rude”. In fact I was so mad and said so much that these girls left- not just the camp, but our church. Talk about failure. Not only was I overcompensating and trying to baby my sister because I couldn’t say I was sorry, but I also lost “my cool” (whatever that is) with two of our youth girls that had been attending our youth group. I never saw either of the two girls I yelled at again. I beat myself up for what I had done that day for years to come, wondering if my actions had caused someone else to lose their faith in God. Epic FAIL.  

Having said that, I heard my husband speak of failure in one of his more recent messages and he said, “Failure is an event, not a person” so while I may not make the right choices one hundred percent of the time that does not make ME a failure. I knew I married that man for a reason, he’s a smart one! So don’t get down on yourself, don’t beat yourself up. Repent of your sin. Accept Christ’s perfect sacrifice that was made to give us forgiveness from our sin. Then Press on with your head held high without loss of strength or dignity. There you have it, when you find yourself in sin just learn to RAP- Repent, Accept, Press on. (I can just imagine in my head a person getting down on their knees and rapping, if only I had a clever chorus for us all to repeat… I will work on that). No one can be perfect. No one will make the right choices all of the time. I strive to do my best but in doing my best I also have to accept that I will come short. Learn to fail forward. A righteous man (or woman) may fall seven times but he picks himself up. Don’t get down on yourself because when it all comes down to it, you’ve come a long way! “I’m not who I want to be but I’m not who I used to be”!

Titus 3: 4-7
4 But—“When God our Savior revealed his kindness and love,5 he saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the Holy Spirit.6 He generously poured out the Spirit upon us through Jesus Christ our Savior. 7 Because of his grace he declared us righteous and gave us confidence that we will inherit eternal life.”

Still talking to myself...

Last week I wrote about the topic of encouraging yourself in the Lord, something David wrote about when he was in a time of trouble. I remember many many times in my own life when I felt so utterly alone and in desperate need of encouragement especially in my young teenage years. Maybe you have been there before, or you are there now; either way I hope you walk away from this post equipped to handle whatever you are dealing with.  It is at times like these when you pull out that Bible and pick a scripture to recite over and over and over again until you begin to believe what that scripture says.  It was at such a time recently when I pulled out my go-to encouraging verse and was smacked in the face with a big revelation.  I hope you too will find such a revelation in this verse, maybe without the giant smack like I had figuratively received.

When our second son Jacob was born I felt like my life couldn’t get any better than that moment; a wonderful husband, two beautiful sons, and a dream job working with teenagers.  I spent that whole first night just staring at our new baby in a state of complete happiness.  When the morning came my husband decided to get me a Starbucks, because he is a man of God, and I was left alone in the room with little Jakey.  Not too long after a doctor rushed in and took our baby away followed by a nurse who grabbed me by the hand and slowly began to walk me down the hall explaining to me what was happening.  Our beautiful newborn baby boy was going to the NICU for an indefinite period of time due to a heart defect and there I was all alone left with little to no answers.  The full story of that day and the months to come I will share later but I wanted to give you a little glimpse into the worst day of my life.  I had some doosies up until that time, but this day took the cake. 

As I sat next to our little guy in his NICU bed I closed my eyes and recited quietly one of my favorite passages in a lowly attempt to encourage myself in the Lord.  “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.  But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” (James 1:2-4) Wait a minute, I didn’t want patience.  What the what.  I wanted results.  I wanted it to say “count it all joy when you fall into various trials knowing that the testing of your faith produces RESULTS” not patience.  Patience means I have to wait around while my child gets stuck with needles every hour.  Patience means I have to drive home without him only to return every 3 hours for feedings.  Patience means I have to continue holding my newborn baby with chords attached to him for who knows how long.  Patience?  Holy irritation.  I was not encouraged to say the least.  My go-to verse was now at the bottom of my list because I didn’t want to wait things out, I wanted God to fix my baby- NOW! 

As I was reading one of my favorite devotionals I ran across this same verse and it gave the definition of the word “patience” that was used from the original Greek word “hupomeno”. This word means to hold steadfast, be consistent and unwavering despite any circumstance.  It reminds me of one of my favorite movies, Princess Bride, when they are storming the castle and you hear the guard shout “Stand your ground men, stand your ground”.  Of course in the movie they did not stand their ground, they all ran away like little girls running from a spider.  But this truer meaning of being immovable is really what this passage is saying.  That no matter what I will stand my ground.  I will not be shaken.  I will not be moved.  I will hold on to God’s promises NO MATTER WHAT!  So Satan, go ahead and come at me bro.  Hit me with your best shot.  I am not moving.  I will stand in this place until I see my prayers answered!  Satan can take my health but he cannot take my happiness.  I will choose to count it all JOY and have PATIENCE.  Let’s do this!

Psalm 55:22
 Cast your burden on the LORD, and  He will sustain you;
He will never permit the righteous to be moved.

Talking to myself...

Ever had one of those hard days where you feel like you would have been more productive if you had just stayed in bed all day because not doing anything is better than doing something wrong?  I had such a day a few weeks back and it seemed that no matter what I did to improve it, my efforts just made it worse.  It took me back to a period of time quite a few years ago where these such bad days seemed to string themselves together to make a bad month, and those months strung together for a few bad years. 


I have the amazing opportunity this week to speak to a large group of beautiful young ladies at a youth summer camp. This is the same camp that I myself went to when I was a teenager during such said "bad years" of my life. The same camp where I decided to let go of the things that had been plaguing my mind and allow God to heal my heart. The same camp where I remembered listening to the woman of God talk on Wednesday morning and wondering if I myself would ever get to the place of complete confidence, happiness, and trust in God that the speaker portrayed. And now there I'll be; at the same camp, with the same speaker I had looked up to for so many years who has now become such an important part of my life, sharing the same message of hope that had been shared with me. But reminiscing about this camp also brings me back to what happened after.  When I went home, alone.  No worship band to get me excited, no morning speaker to encourage me, just me.


You see, it was through that time of my life that God was teaching me something- to trust and rely on Him and Him alone- although at the time it didn't feel like that at all.  I remember reading in my bible one morning and 1 Samuel 30 verse 6 popped off the page.  It says "⁶ David was greatly distressed, for the men spoke of stoning him because the souls of them all were bitterly grieved, each man for his sons and daughters..." I felt like I could relate with the deeply distressed part, maybe not so much the stoning part so I think his day was worse.  And then, there it was.  Plain as day.  The end of verse 6 "But David encouraged and strengthened himself in the Lord his God."  He encouraged himself.  Himself.  He didn't have his best friend tell him that everything was going to be ok, he didn't go home to his momma who made him a bowl of mac'n cheese to eat his pain away (not that I have ever done such said things); no, he encouraged himself.  What does that even mean?  Was he talking to himself like a person who has lost their mind?  Was he pretending?  Was he speaking in third person? 

I don't know if you have ever found yourself in between a rock and a hard place with no one to turn to, but at this moment that verse was exactly what I needed to hear.  So I did- I encouraged myself in the Lord.  I spoke out encouraging scriptures and promises, the things God would say of me even if I didn't think them of myself, and you know what?  After a few minutes of being crazy and talking to myself I actually felt better.  Because sometimes we know the right answer we just want someone else to tell us we are right.  Because sometimes there is no one around to tell us to get over it or everything will be ok.  Because sometimes we forget that our every answer can be found in that book we only pick up on Sundays.  Because sometimes it takes us being completely alone to realize that God really is all we need.  So if you find yourself in the midst of a trying time, alone with no one to talk to, open up your B-I-B-L-E (yes that's the book for me...), and start encouraging yourself in the Lord. At the end of the day it's just you and Him anyway!

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self
is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us
an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things
that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient,
but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Family Matters

Anyone remember the show "Family Matters" with Steve Urkel?  My most favorite moments in that show would be Urkel's clumsiness followed by the famous line, "Did I do that?"  Maybe it is the fact that it brings me back to a more innocent time in my childhood, but I just don't see anything on TV like that anymore!  All of the newer shows have divorced parents, or wimpy parents that allow their kids to walk all over them.  What?  Let me tell you, if I talked back... well let's just say I RARELY talked back because I just knew something would happen.  My parents weren't the type to allow a child to be the head of the household.  And I am thankful for that!  My parents weren't perfect but they always had our best interests in mind, and at the end of the day I appreciated the rules.  Rules may be seen by some as control, but those same "rules" kept me safe and out of trouble.  If I were left to my own devices I surely wouldn't be in bed by 9:30pm  at 18 years old that's for certain!  But thank God they taught me the importance of a good night's sleep- something I am trying to regain in my life after almost 7 months of a newborn waking me up at all hours.

So where am I going with this, you may be thinking to yourself.  Well it's all in the name of that good ol' show... Family... matters!  I just got back late last night from a quick two day trip to celebrate my cousin's college graduation.  I was able to bring my two boys along and visit with both sides of my family.  I love family, everything about them.  The good, the bad, and yes even the ugly.  My mother would always tell me that friends may come and go but family is forever.  The sad thing is that while that statement is true for my life, it isn't for many I have talked with.  Honestly, that makes my heart hurt.  Being a part of a family is how I first understood real love and putting other's above yourself.  Being a part of a family taught me how to forgive and forget.  Being a part of a family gave me a foundation that allowed me to build the rest of my life on.  Being a part of a family made me the person I am today.  I can't imagine not being a part of a family.

The sad truth is that not everyone is given that same opportunity to experience what I did, and if you are one of those people let me express to you how truly sorry I am.  Whether your real mother or not, I hope you were given the opportunity to have someone take care of you when you were sick, bring your lunch to school when you forgot it, and give you a hug that took the pain from any situation away.  Whether your real father or not, I hope you were given the opportunity to have someone cheer for you from the stands even if you were running in last place, work hard for your family so that you would be able to join sports or clubs that interested you, and scared the boys away when they were up to no good.  But here is the amazing truth... even if you were not as fortunate as some who did have this thing called "family", that doesn't mean that you can't have it.  I have met amazing fathers who never had a father, I have met amazing mothers who never had a mother, and I have met amazing men and women who have beautiful marriages that never saw a successful marriage modeled in their own life.  It is my prayer that no matter what situation you lived through, you have faith for your own marriage and your own family.  Beyond our circumstances is a greater deciding truth for our futures, it is your choice.  Choose to be the better version of who you were yesterday.  The bible tells us that life and death are in the power of the tongue, so choose life!  Choose life, and speak life! 

Deuteronomy 30:19-20

¹⁹ I call heaven and earth to witness this day against you that I have set before you life and death, the blessings and the curses; therefore choose life, that you and your descendants may live ²⁰ And may love the Lord your God, obey His voice, and cling to Him. For He is your life and the length of your days, that you may dwell in the land which the Lord swore to give to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.