To be or not to be...

For those who haven't read my blog from last week this first part might be a little confusing, but to those who are aware of our current situation I wanted to let you know that we got news today.  At our follow up ultrasound the baby showed no growth or heart beat.  Not exactly what I thought we would hear.  Deep breaths, Vanessa, deep breaths.   I will go in for more blood tests to make sure of what the doctors already believe to be true in their hearts, we miscarried.  This is now the hardest part, waiting for my body to recognize that the baby is no longer growing and allowing it to pass through my system.  I cannot tell you what sadness and relief will come on that day to know that it is really over, but I can assure you that God is still good.

 

I believe with all of my heart that God has, and will continue to, work this for not only our good, but hopefully for the good of those who down the road will go through similar situations.  If you can find anything in this blog I hope that it is comfort.

 

I wanted to take a minute to encourage you, whoever you are, that are also going through a tough season- whatever it may be.  Allow yourself to feel.  Have a feeling.  Embrace that feeling.  And then let it go.  The bible says to "be angry but sin not".  If these words are separated then the actual emotion of anger is not sin. Neither is sadness. Or mourning.  Or concern.  Or any other emotion that you may feel.  So feel it.  It's ok to cry, and boy don't I know it.  But at the end of your tear fest (which I have known too well this past week), pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and tell yourself that this feeling will not control you.  So when does anger or sadness turn to sin?  When we start to doubt, speak ill of others, gossip, allow hate or bitterness to enter or heart, or any other thing that the bible speaks of.  But believe me, you can get angry without doing any of those things!  And shoot fire, I'm ANGRY!

 

You HAVE emotions, but you don't have to BE them.  We have the reaction of anger when circumstances (or people) come against us but we choose to allow it to turn into hatred.  We have the reaction of sadness when bad news comes, but we choose to allow it to consume our lives and turn into full blown depression.  But if this is true, so is the opposite.  Something can bring me joy, but it is my choice to live happy.  I choose to BE happy.  Yes, I may be heartbroken, yes I may even take a day or two to grieve (or throw some rocks at a wall- don't judge me, Jesus flipped over tables when he got angry), but I will still choose to be happy because it is my choice. 

 

So friend... let's choose... choose to speak faith, choose to keep our head up, choose to keep trusting our God who is always faithful.  I don't understand- but that's ok- I still trust. I still have faith.  I am still happy.  To be or not to be (happy), its up to you.

Proverbs 3:5

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;

What is this?!

On our last date night my husband took me to one of my favorite restaurants, Mimi's Cafe! They have an amazing brunch menu but I've never been for dinner and that's exactly when we went. As we looked through the menu I remember thinking I wanted one of everything but alas I settled on an old favorite- Chicken Marsala! We get our meals and they were fantastic, Rich looked down at his plate poking his food and asked "What is this creep made out of?... Oh, I mean this crap?" It took everything in me not to roll out of the booth from laughing so hard, "oh, you mean your CREPE?" I responded. It is safe to say that my husband is not a foodie, good thing he married me so he wouldn't really have to eat cr... I mean... Bad food!

I love to bake and I know exactly what you need to make a crepe, but even with Rich's lack of knowledge in this particular area it didn't keep him from enjoying his delicious food. Because he trusted that the cook did know and that was good enough for him, answers or not!

A couple weeks ago we surprisingly found out that we were expecting a third little blessing. It was a shock to say the least but we were excited nonetheless. Then it came time for my 8 week check up appointment. On Monday my doctor told me that she didn't see a baby. My body was pregnant she agreed but it could be a false pregnancy. My world was a little shaken by the news. She wanted to make sure and sent me for another appointment to the radiology office where an ultrasound showed a baby at 6 weeks (when my uterus was at 8 weeks) with no heartbeat. I would love to say I held it together, and I did until I got into my car. I sat there in the parking lot crying my eyes out, not just begging but pleading with the Lord to do something. My husband so graciously met me by the back door when I arrived home and let me weep in his arms while I tried to gather my thoughts.

One minute I am grieving the loss of a baby and the next my doctor calls to tell me that there is a small chance the baby could still be ok. What the what?! My bloodwork came back "positive" (whatever that means) and I had to set up an appointment for Monday to check to see if the baby has grown. I sit here a confused woman holding on to the glimmer of hope that this baby will be ok and I'm reminded of that date night. You see, I don't know why things happen or how things will turn out, but I trust the One who is working it all together. That's what Romans 8:28 says that He "WORKS all things for our good". Flour by itself is NOT good, baking powder would make you sick, but I trust that the One putting them all together knows just how to WORK them and add the necessary ingredients to make a delicious crepe.

This is not a sob story, it is a story I wanted to share with all of you I consider friends and family. And if you can take anything from it, I hope you will remember this... That you won't always get the answer you hope for, you won't always understand, but you will ALWAYS be looked after to take every rotten situation and work it for your benefit. So here I still sit.  Confused. Saddened. Hopeful. Saying the same thing that Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego did in Daniel chapter 3- My God will save me (come through for me , work a miracle for me) and even if He doesn't... I will still trust that this too will one day be worked for my good.  Keep trusting my friends.  He hasn't forgotten about me and He will surely not forget about you.

 

 

Proverbs 3:5

"Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart

and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding."