I'm happy for you!

You are guaranteed to find two things at our dinner table:  Good food and a four year old looking for a race.  Every night it is the same thing, “Mom, am I beating you?”  And like the good Mom that I believe myself to be I usually respond with, “No, you’re not Michael”.  It may say sound harsh but I am trying to prepare him for the real world.  The world in which people will run further, jump higher, and maybe even eat faster than him.  Yes, this real world does exist.  The part that breaks my heart is after I have told Michael that in fact I am beating him, he then shrugs his shoulders and says, “I guess I’m not awesome”.  Of course I give him the talk about how he is wonderful and awesome.  About how just because I am eating faster than him does not take that fact away.  But in his four year old little mind the only conclusion he can make is this- If you are winning, then I am not.

 

 When did we start to believe this lie?  I am not talking about sports or competitions of any kind that clearly call for a rank of some sorts.  I am however talking about the day to day life in which we struggle to be happy for someone else’s victory if we are struggling with defeat in that same area.  It sounds so easy to say “I’m happy for you”- but when it comes down to it, it is a lot harder to get out of our mouth and even harder to mean with our whole heart.   If paying someone a compliment means depleting your own happiness or self-worth, then you are drawing from the wrong account!   

 

I have been on both sides of this topic!  I have been the one to share good news and I have also been the one to hear about it.  I have been the one to want for years to own my own home only to hear friend after friend tell me their exciting news about buying their first house.  I have been the one to want a third child only to have an unexpected pregnancy and miscarriage while friend after friend find out that they are pregnant.  I have been the one to want the ability to buy excessive amounts of new clothing only to see friend after friend walking around in some.  I understand what it is like to have to say “I’m happy for you” through the grinding of your teeth and the biting of your lip.  It is hard, and sometimes not even truthful.  But at the end of the day if I can bring myself to say that I am happy for them and truly mean it, you better believe that I am not saying that I am sad for me.  The two are not related.  And while their victories may be a reminder of my defeat- it is not a reflection of it!

 

After my little pep talk with Michael about how he is awesome even though I may be eating faster, I always end it with “now, say ‘Good Job Mommy’”.  I know that it is hard for him because he puts his head down and underneath his breath you can barely make out those three little words that I asked him to repeat.  But he says it.  And then I shrink down to look at him face to face and tell him “Now you say, ‘I’ll get you next time!’”  This part he can say with much excitement and it makes my heart happy.  The competitive side of him kicks in and he realizes that it is not the end.  There will be many many more dinners.  And that is the reality of it all.  There will be many more chances for victory in your own life even if at the moment you are walking in defeat.  You too will one day have the ability to shop until you drop, meet the love of your life or get the keys to a fancy new car.  And just because someone gets it first doesn’t mean that you won’t.  So practice saying it with me, “I’m happy for you!” 

 

 

 

Exodus 20:17

"You must not covet your neighbor's house.  You must not covet your neighbor's wife [or boyfriend], male or female servant [or mother who cleans for them], ox or donkey [or corvette], or anything else that belongs to your neighbor."

Waiting for answers is the worst part

This time last year I was preparing for our second son's arrival.  Questions raced through my head all day; what would he look like, would he have the same crazy hair as our first son, would he be independent or a momma's boy, would he be a sleeper... Dear God, please let him be a sleeper!  Waiting for answers was the worst part.  And then he was here.  All 8 pounds 6 ounces of him.  White as can be, nearly bald but for the blonde fuzz that stuck to his head.  Nothing like our first son, Michael.  No, but in his own way Jacob was perfect.

 

We spent that first night together.  I should have let him sleep in the plastic wheelcart they push around for newborns that they call a basinet but I was too much in love to let him leave my side.  I don't know that I got any sleep that night, I just remember staring at him.  The morning crept up so fast and before I knew it Rich was out the door getting his energy drink fix and my favorite Starbucks drink while nurses paraded in and out.  The pediatrician stopped in to see our little man and I couldn't wait to hear the words- you can take him home today!  I waited for what seemed like forever as he examined his little body, and what started out as a normal check up turned into a concerned look on the doctors face.  He didn't say anything at first, he just rushed out of the room to find the nurse.  Waiting for answers was the worst part.  As they both came back in they put Jacob in his wheelcart and as they were pushing him away they told me that our son had a problem with his heart and needed to be rushed to the NICU immediately.  They wheeled him upstairs and a nurse held my hand as I tried to keep up walking behind him.  I didn't understand what was happening.  And I was all alone. 

 

I remember walking into the most severe of the NICU rooms and seeing him there with wires and IV's coming out of him, surrounded by the tiniest babies I had ever seen.  One of the nurses greeted me and pulled a chair out for me to sit on next to his station.  She told me that one of the doctors would fill me in with what was happening once my husband had arrived.  Seeing Rich walk through the door was the only relief I had that day.  His strength.  His faith.  His hand holding tightly to mine as they told us that not only did our son have a few holes in his heart (an anatomical problem which was common in some babies) but there was also a third degree heart blockage (an electrical problem that would cause his heart to skip every third beat).  I looked up at the monitor in disbelief.  My questions from the night before seemed insignificant and I was now wondering; would my child be able to play baseball, will he need surgery or long term medication, will he even have a normal childhood?  Waiting for answers was the worst part.  The doctors were just as confused by the condition as we were because they had never seen it before in the NICU.  Our pediatrician had only come across this condition once before, 30 years ago, and that baby had needed a pacemaker.

 

I knew that God had a plan for our little Jacob.  I knew that somehow He would heal him.  Whether it was a pacemaker or a miracle- Jacob would live a full life.  I wished I had the answers right then.  I wished someone could have told me exactly how God planned to help our little boy, waiting for answers was the worst part.  We were released from the hospital and for six days we were given little hope by doctors and nurses as his heart showed no change in rythm. I had to drive back and forth every 3 hours to feed Jacob and the one true comfort I had, I found in the Word.  I would find a way to hold him close, not to tangle his cords, and I would speak a new verse into his ear everyday.  A verse of healing, a verse of hope and a verse of strength.  It was like a fog had settled over our lives and the deepest of sorrows filled my heart but I refused to let it shake my faith.  "Don't be confused by my tears", I remember telling my seemingly unshaken husband, "I know that God will heal him."  

 

Jacob was released on December 23, 2012 into the outpatient care of a heart specialist.  The nurses couldn't believe they were letting us go but I knew that it was God- it had been my one and only Christmas wish, to have our family home.  In the months that followed we took Jacob in to get scans of his heart, each time hoping that something had changed.  On the morning of his three month checkup, I remember an overwhelming peace that came over me.  This was different from the peace I had felt that had comforted me through this whole situation.  It was a peace that knew this time something was different.  I made sugar cookies shaped like hearts and brought them with me to the appointment.  The specialist brought the machine over, and as I sat there looking at the screen the only thing I could think of was that the waiting for answers was the worst part.  And then he looked up.  He smiled.  And he told me that Jacob was completely healthy, there was no trace of any heart problems at all.  He would live a long, happy, normal life. 

 

I cried.  Then I wiped away my tears, smiled and handed him his plate of cookies to thank him for his help.  I walked out of there sure of what I already knew- that God can still do miracles. 

 

Now besides the fact that it is almost Jacob's first birthday, there is another reason that I wanted to share his story.  After going through the loss of a miscarriage I have heard many well meaning people say that "we don't always understand God's will".  I am deeply saddened by this.  I am saddened that they would serve a God they would believe to allow a woman to get pregnant and then cause her to miscarry all in the name of "God's will".  This is not the God we serve.  The bible says in Jeremiah 29:11 that "His plans are good and not evil, to give us hope and a future".  His plan was not for me to miscarry or for Jacob to have a third degree heart blockage.  And as I have said many times before, God WORKS all things for our good even when they aren't good (Romans 8:28).  I don't know why we miscarried and if I was waiting for the answer then I would be waiting a long time.  I don't think any answer would be good enough but it surely was not His plan.  He is good. 
 

I know in difficult times we often search for a reason why, believing that the answer might give us some closure.  I can assure you that it does not.  It does not take the pain away.  It does not give us back what was taken.  It does not cause us enough strength or peace to carry on.  When there are tragedies that cause insurmountable pain and no answers to be found, hold on to hope.  Hold on to the words of a loving God.  Whether the situation comes out like Jacob's story and you find a great victory, or whether you are left after a tragic situation (for us- a miscarriage) pulling yourself together from what feels like an incredible defeat- just know that if you are looking back waiting for answers then you will never truly embrace what is surrounding you now.  Waiting for answers is the worst part. 

 

 

 

John 16:33

"I’ve told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured,

deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties.

But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.”

The Message

That's what we need!

"Oh the weather outside is frightful..." or it was anyway.  And not frightful in the sense that we would lose our home but rather it was a Sunday morning and my once straight and perfectly poofed up pony tail was now a sad, half wet, droopy hot mess by the time I reached the shelter of the inside of the church.  Even more funny to look at was my unsuspecting eleven month old who was soaked from head to toe.  His confused little face brought me back to the beginning of the year when a quick trip to Target turned into a mad dash for the car.  When we had arrived at the store the sky was partly cloudy, and I know that I may take my time in such a wonderful place that offers such cute clothes at such inexpensive prices, but I do know that I was not in there longer than 30 minutes.  Obviously 30 minutes was long enough for a storm to form and pour down flash-flood worthy rain. 

 

As I frantically pushed my two boys to the car, threw them in the back seat and buckeled them as fast as I possibly could- the woman parked next to us sauntered up and slowly began to unload her things.  "SEE MOM!" Michael yelled to me, "THAT's what we need!".  I look over to my son pointing at the reason for this woman's tranquil composure- an umbrella.  I am sure at one point I have bought an umbrella, certainly I have borrowed one a time or two and known of it's benefits, but I would be lying if I said that I had just merely forgotten it that day.  I had no clue where that silly thing was.  I have gone many a rainy seasons without and I still have yet to buy one;  that little $10 purchase could have been the very thing to save my hair on such a gloomy Sunday morning, but as I look out at a clear sky an umbrella is the last thing on my mind.

 

It's funny isn't it.  In the middle of the storm we are frantic, not heeding the numerous warnings given to us by the news, but as soon as it is over we return back to normal life as if nothing has happened.  These last two months can be described as nothing less than stormy (figuratively speaking of course) for our little family.  I have had the opportunity to share with many friends about our situation and have often been questioned about my noticeably calm demeaner. It is not a defense mechanism, I am not ignoring or putting off what has happened, and I am certainly not relieved- I just have an umbrella.  An umbrella?  Yes, an umbrella that I take with me everywhere I go no matter the season.  Because you never know when a sneaky little storm will come and catch you completely off guard.

 

This thing I carry with me, is my protection from all life may throw at me.  It is the thing that keeps the sun from burning my skin and the same thing that keeps the rain from deflating my hair.  It not only protects me, but my children and those close to me.  It is at times the only thing keeping me from coming completely undone.  I am sure if you have talked with me long enough you know that what I am speaking about is my personal relationship with a loving God and if you are without one then don't be confused if I saunter up beside you and start to unload the things into my car- unchanged by my surroundings.  I'm covered.  I'm protected.  I'm crazy enough to believe the words that He spoke to me that are written in my Bible.  Words of peace that surpasses understanding, joy that comes in the morning, strength when I am weak, a promise to never be left alone, and love that sees past my failures.  I may not always have to use those promises, but when the storm comes that umbrella is the first thing I reach for.  (Secondly of course would be my waterproof mascara, but that isn't the point.) 

 

If only people knew that their local stores offered such umbrellas.  And when they reached the counter they would find out that someone had already paid the price.  It is a free gift.  And I love free. Friends, life can be stormy sometimes but don't blame the umbrella!  Go get one, and don't just keep it locked away in a closet somewhere- use it, it will change your life!

 

 

Psalm 91:14-16*

“Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him;

I will set him on high, because he has known My name. 

He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; 

I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him.

With long life I will satisfy him, and show him My salvation.”

 

*This is only a snid-bit of my favorite chapter, I encourage you to read all of Psalm 91!

  

To be or not to be...

For those who haven't read my blog from last week this first part might be a little confusing, but to those who are aware of our current situation I wanted to let you know that we got news today.  At our follow up ultrasound the baby showed no growth or heart beat.  Not exactly what I thought we would hear.  Deep breaths, Vanessa, deep breaths.   I will go in for more blood tests to make sure of what the doctors already believe to be true in their hearts, we miscarried.  This is now the hardest part, waiting for my body to recognize that the baby is no longer growing and allowing it to pass through my system.  I cannot tell you what sadness and relief will come on that day to know that it is really over, but I can assure you that God is still good.

 

I believe with all of my heart that God has, and will continue to, work this for not only our good, but hopefully for the good of those who down the road will go through similar situations.  If you can find anything in this blog I hope that it is comfort.

 

I wanted to take a minute to encourage you, whoever you are, that are also going through a tough season- whatever it may be.  Allow yourself to feel.  Have a feeling.  Embrace that feeling.  And then let it go.  The bible says to "be angry but sin not".  If these words are separated then the actual emotion of anger is not sin. Neither is sadness. Or mourning.  Or concern.  Or any other emotion that you may feel.  So feel it.  It's ok to cry, and boy don't I know it.  But at the end of your tear fest (which I have known too well this past week), pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and tell yourself that this feeling will not control you.  So when does anger or sadness turn to sin?  When we start to doubt, speak ill of others, gossip, allow hate or bitterness to enter or heart, or any other thing that the bible speaks of.  But believe me, you can get angry without doing any of those things!  And shoot fire, I'm ANGRY!

 

You HAVE emotions, but you don't have to BE them.  We have the reaction of anger when circumstances (or people) come against us but we choose to allow it to turn into hatred.  We have the reaction of sadness when bad news comes, but we choose to allow it to consume our lives and turn into full blown depression.  But if this is true, so is the opposite.  Something can bring me joy, but it is my choice to live happy.  I choose to BE happy.  Yes, I may be heartbroken, yes I may even take a day or two to grieve (or throw some rocks at a wall- don't judge me, Jesus flipped over tables when he got angry), but I will still choose to be happy because it is my choice. 

 

So friend... let's choose... choose to speak faith, choose to keep our head up, choose to keep trusting our God who is always faithful.  I don't understand- but that's ok- I still trust. I still have faith.  I am still happy.  To be or not to be (happy), its up to you.

Proverbs 3:5

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;

What is this?!

On our last date night my husband took me to one of my favorite restaurants, Mimi's Cafe! They have an amazing brunch menu but I've never been for dinner and that's exactly when we went. As we looked through the menu I remember thinking I wanted one of everything but alas I settled on an old favorite- Chicken Marsala! We get our meals and they were fantastic, Rich looked down at his plate poking his food and asked "What is this creep made out of?... Oh, I mean this crap?" It took everything in me not to roll out of the booth from laughing so hard, "oh, you mean your CREPE?" I responded. It is safe to say that my husband is not a foodie, good thing he married me so he wouldn't really have to eat cr... I mean... Bad food!

I love to bake and I know exactly what you need to make a crepe, but even with Rich's lack of knowledge in this particular area it didn't keep him from enjoying his delicious food. Because he trusted that the cook did know and that was good enough for him, answers or not!

A couple weeks ago we surprisingly found out that we were expecting a third little blessing. It was a shock to say the least but we were excited nonetheless. Then it came time for my 8 week check up appointment. On Monday my doctor told me that she didn't see a baby. My body was pregnant she agreed but it could be a false pregnancy. My world was a little shaken by the news. She wanted to make sure and sent me for another appointment to the radiology office where an ultrasound showed a baby at 6 weeks (when my uterus was at 8 weeks) with no heartbeat. I would love to say I held it together, and I did until I got into my car. I sat there in the parking lot crying my eyes out, not just begging but pleading with the Lord to do something. My husband so graciously met me by the back door when I arrived home and let me weep in his arms while I tried to gather my thoughts.

One minute I am grieving the loss of a baby and the next my doctor calls to tell me that there is a small chance the baby could still be ok. What the what?! My bloodwork came back "positive" (whatever that means) and I had to set up an appointment for Monday to check to see if the baby has grown. I sit here a confused woman holding on to the glimmer of hope that this baby will be ok and I'm reminded of that date night. You see, I don't know why things happen or how things will turn out, but I trust the One who is working it all together. That's what Romans 8:28 says that He "WORKS all things for our good". Flour by itself is NOT good, baking powder would make you sick, but I trust that the One putting them all together knows just how to WORK them and add the necessary ingredients to make a delicious crepe.

This is not a sob story, it is a story I wanted to share with all of you I consider friends and family. And if you can take anything from it, I hope you will remember this... That you won't always get the answer you hope for, you won't always understand, but you will ALWAYS be looked after to take every rotten situation and work it for your benefit. So here I still sit.  Confused. Saddened. Hopeful. Saying the same thing that Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego did in Daniel chapter 3- My God will save me (come through for me , work a miracle for me) and even if He doesn't... I will still trust that this too will one day be worked for my good.  Keep trusting my friends.  He hasn't forgotten about me and He will surely not forget about you.

 

 

Proverbs 3:5

"Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart

and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding."

Do you know?

Last month we moved into this lovely little home and even though we were only moving five minutes away, it still meant we had to pack the entire house and enlist a few willing friends to help load the storage bins in and out of the huge U-Haul truck.  In the process of this move I may or may not have fallen off of a table, which I believe I have mentioned in a previous post so I suppose you now assume it as fact.  You would be correct in your assumption, yes, yes I did fall.  I fell so hard in fact that I had one large bruise that expanded from one shoulder across my chest to the other arm, so dark that it would be impossible not to notice it.  I say this to preface my next story.  Just remember... giant bruise...

 

I had used the last diaper one morning and had completely forgotten about it until the smell of something most awful was coming from my unsuspecting sweet-faced baby boy.  In a mad dash I threw my hair in a ponytail and ran out the door without my face done up with makeup (which always brings on a number of "concerned" comments which I find to be quite amusing).  I raced around the store with my two boys until we found the baby section, tossed the diapers in the cart and jolted to the front hoping that we wouldn't be in one spot long enough for anyone to smell what had to be the worst combination of digested foods to make such a stink that had a category all of it's own.  I opted for self check out to further prevent being in the store longer, with no avail.  It wouldn't scan and the cashier walked over to help.  She looked at me and then at the boys.  Making awkward conversation she looked at Michael and asked, "so how old are you?".  His response... wait for it... here it comes... "I'm four"... I wish I could say that he ended it there but he didn't... "But one day I'll be big like daddy and he won't BEAT me".  Yep.  He just said that.  Now remember that bruise.  I rest my case. 

 

All I could think was, hold off on the phone call to CPS please- you'd have to know Michael to understand.  You see, Michael is 4.  The most competitive 4 year old I have ever met. There is nothing in our daily routine that isn't considered a race in his eyes; brushing teeth, getting dressed, eating, cleaning... NOTHING!  So while it may look like we are a battered family, and my son may make comments about "beating" I can assure you that there is no such thing going on.  But, you would have to KNOW Michael to really understand.

 

Have you ever thought what it looks like to others when you say that you believe in a God who sent His Son to DIE for us?  I can just imagine people thinking what a cruel thing to do, sacrificing a perfect man for an innumerable amount of imperfect people.  Not only that but now there are all kind of crazy doctrines floating around and sometimes I just want to scream "that is not the character of God, He wouldn't do that!".  Yes, He sent His Son.  He knew that was the only way to gain relationship back with you and I.  It is the greatest expression of love that I have ever seen.  It is not cruel.  It was, I can assure you, the last thing that God would ever want to do.  No parent willingly sacrifices their only child unless it was the absolute only way.  You'd have to KNOW Him though to understand. 

 

The things people say about God "hating homosexuals" (notice I didn't say homosexuality) or "predestining some to spend an eternity in Hell" just turns my stomach.  YOU HAVE IT ALL WRONG!  My friend, please read your bible!  With all of the love I can muster in my heart I plead that any belief you make in your heart about the character of God is derived directly from the Word of God.  He loves unconditionally. Nothing can separate us from the love of God but many things can separate us from a relationship with Him and that is where we get in trouble.  When we are out of relationship with Him we are at the mercy of our own assumptions about His ways.  Think of it in relation with your own life, until you get to know a person do you not assume what their character is like by their actions and what others say about them?  Maybe I am the only guilty one but it is dangerous ground.  So please, stop thinking God is mad at you or hates you sweet friend.  And please stop believing that He can hate anyone else.  Spend some time getting to know Him and you'll see that He thinks the world of you and I!

 

 

John 3:16-17

^"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son,

that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world,

but that the world through Him might be saved."

 

Do Something...

Last month our youth group was challenged to give "Change for Change" in our "Be The Change" series.  Rich and I had talked beforehand about who God had placed on our heart and without hesitation we both came to the conclusion that we would love to bless a family in our church who's son needed yet another heart surgery at the tender age of 3.  His name is Micah Ward and he not only rocks a sweet and courageous spirit, but also an extra chromosome.  This beautiful little boy is one of the many in this great nation who was born with down syndrome.

 

I can't imagine the feelings an expectant mother would feel when being told that her child would be born with special needs or even the pressure she would face from well meaning doctors who think that they can "solve the problem" by terminating a life.  I can't imagine the hardships not only financially but in so many other areas that raising this child would bring.  But I can tell you that I am so thankful for families who rise to the occassion to show the world how incredibly beautiful life can be when you have a child with down syndrome.  These families are my heroes.

 

This past month was such a blessing for my husband and I not only because we were able to "share the burden" (like I talked about in my last post) but also because we had the opportunity to see students go above and beyond to help someone in need.  Whoever said that teenagers were selfish, never met the teenagers we have the opportunity of seeing on a weekly basis!  One jr higher sold an iPod that she had won to help raise money while another student had spent the entire month collecting cans, raising almost half of the contest money herself.  These teenagers are some of the best around.  I am so thankful to be their youth pastor.  These students are my heroes.

 

I don't know what causes you to rise up and speak out but abortion is one of those topics that makes me well up in tears and clench my fists at the same time.  Whether your child would have a special need or not, it is a baby, a gift from the Lord Himself and there is nothing "wrong" with them.  Whether you or a friend have dealt with this issue I pray that you fight against the cultural pressures of abortion and see the situation as God sees it.  There are options my friends, and abortion isn't one of them.  You can do it, I promise that you can do it!  And if raising this child is out of the question, I know so many loving familes that would be more than thrilled to welcome them into their home.  Please, I beg of you, give this precious little one a chance.

 

This morning my husband and I watched a touching story about a father who faced all of the pressures known to those who have children with down syndrome and I couldn't help but cry (to watch his heart wrenching interview, click on the link here...Pushing Paisley... A father's story).  This amazing little girl was given a chance, despite her father's wishes, and an amazing story was birthed out of it.  I know this post is different from most that I have written but I believe with all of my heart that God has called us to speak for those who can't.  I challenge you to find a cause and fight for it!   It has been said that "all it takes for evil to succeed is for good men (or women) to do nothing".  So... Let's DO SOMETHING!!!!
 

 

Hebrews 13:16

And don’t forget to do good and to share with those in need.

These are the sacrifices that please God.

Sharing is Caring

Michael was an only child for three and a half years which made the lesson about sharing toys a little more interesting to teach.  There were days that we would be playing with his trains or legos and I would purposefully take one away that he was playing with just to get a rise out of him and be able to talk to him about the whole concept of allowing someone else to play with "his" things.  I am sure I looked ridiculous but there are only so many play dates that a child can have and I knew with baby number two on the way we really needed to hit the subject head on.  Well after many tantrums and time outs I can remember when he finally responded the way I was hoping- "sharing is caring" he said to me.

 

Now I am sure that you are thinking what a wonderful four year old.  And yes, he is wonderful, but in the moment he said this phrase it wasn't exactly what I was expecting.  Rich and I were sitting down in the livingroom (probably watching something manly like Project Runway or Army Wives, not that he would ever confess to watching such things with me) and typical of the iGeneration Michael comes waltzing into the room asking to play a game on his phone.  When Rich said he couldn't Michael pulled out the key phrase that I had been trying to teach him, "but dad, sharing is caring".  We had a big laugh.  He knew the essence of the phrase whether he wanted to apply it to his own life or not. 

 

And he was right, sharing is caring.

 

Yesterday, during the morning church service, we had an abundance of people asking to be prayed over and the man in charge of our altar care motioned over for me to come help.  As I stood in front a woman walked up to me, sobbing so uncontrollably that I couldn't make out any of the words she was saying.  So I grabbed one of her hands with mine and wrapped the other one around her pulling her in close.  I started to pray for her and as I did I began to feel her pain.  Her burden had become my burden.  The weight on her shoulders was now the weight on my shoulders.  I don't know her situation or the cause of her pain but I can tell you that it reached to the depths of her soul.  As I pulled away I could feel the tears streaming down my face and all I could think to myself was peace, peace that surpasses understanding, and strength and faith in the Lord to overcome any trial she may be facing. That was my continual thoughts and prayer for her.  I returned to my seat, ruined for the rest of the service.

 

I woke up today knowing that I wanted to share this with you, whoever you may be, because I know that you or someone you know has at one time been caught under the weight of something such as this.  When your pain was so insurmountable that tears replaced your words and you found your greatest strength on your knees pleading with the Lord.  God is so good and gracious towards us that He put such a wonderful verse in the Bible for such times as these, it says to "carry one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2).  This verse goes back to the very lesson I have been trying to instill in my son- that sharing is caring.  You were never meant to feel the burden alone.  Your family was never meant to carry their burden alone.  Your friends were never meant to carry their burden alone.  The homeless, the widows, the orphans- and anyone else facing great struggles- were never meant to carry their burden alone.  Let's pray for them... let's give of our time and abundance... let's share in their heavy load.  Because sharing IS caring.

 

 

Matthew 11:28-30

" Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 
Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” 

It Wasn't Me

I was 5 years old and sent to the corner because my sister and I were fighting.  (If you are unsure of what being sent to "the corner" is, then just picture staring at the spot where two walls meet for however long your parents take to cool down from your bad behavior)  While standing there I decided to scratch my name in the paint with my fingernail.  I was so proud of myself for spelling it correctly, and then the timer beeped- time to play again!  I ran into the room, acting as if nothing had happened and then I heard my mother's voice.  "VANESSA!  GET OVER HERE!"  I walk over and see her pointing to the corner where I had been standing.  "WHY DID YOU WRITE YOUR NAME IN THE CORNER?" She asked so politely (or at least we can pretend it was since she in fact reads my blog posts).  And I, being the best child of the four, responded with, "It wasn't me!".  Oh dear, what would possess me to say that?  I was the only one standing there.  For heaven's sake it was MY name!  But now that I have said it I am committed to it.  So I stuck with it, "Stephanie must have scratched my name in the corner to get me in trouble".  Yes, that must be it. 

 

Why is it that in moments of two very clear options, we pick telling a lie instead of the truth.  If we are proud of our actions while we are doing it, we may as well be proud of it when someone asks us to own up to it.  Take responsibility, Vanessa, take responsibility!  Of course I chose to do the wrong thing that day, and I won't reveal my punishment for it.  Mainly because I don't remember.  But I was punished, I can assure you of that! Now the reason I tell you this story is to lead up to another story that is not quite as funny.  A story that I am ashamed of but, you can guarantee, learned something from. 

 

As an eighth grader I was trying to find my place amongst fellow students.  I was an odd duckling.  I didn't really "fit in".  I was a part of the christian club on campus because I could find a common bond with others who had a belief in God, but I had no real relationsihp with Him.  They were announcing "See You At The Pole" coming up and I was sure to be there.  Students gathering around a flag pole to pray for their teachers, principals, friends, family, our nation, our churches and really anything else that came to mind.  I had been to them before, it wasn't my first rodeo.  So I got to school early that day, joined hands with the other students, prayed under my breath because I was too shy to speak out loud, and continued on with my day.  I was a part of the student government and during class one of the more popular seventh graders asked me what I was doing that morning.  I pretended to act confused.  He didn't buy it, and proceeded to ask more questions.  And then I said it.  "It wasn't me!"  I am sure he didn't believe me, but he let it go none-the-less. 

 

Have you read the story of Peter where he denied Christ three times.  I felt like that had just happened.  I denied Him.  I denied knowing anything about Him.  I don't know if you have ever experienced a time when someone has asked you about your faith and instead you brushed it off but it has to be one of the worst feelings.  Being in ministry we call those "open doors"- when people willingly open the door for you to speak about your faith.  But I didn't.  I didn't share my faith.  I pretended to not even know God. 

 

I am so thankful that God is so loving and forgiving.  Despite knowing we would deny Him, He still chooses to believe the best in us.  Really read the story of Peter, God didn't erase the plans He had for him because Peter denied knowing Jesus.  In fact, Peter went on to preach the gospel, see thousands of people come to faith in Christ, and through those millions more.  God never looks at our past to determine our future.  So students, tomorrow is another opportunity for See You At The Pole.  Show up to your school early, link arms with fellow students who are committed to their faith in God, and never back down from an open door.  The thought of being made fun of can be terrifying but you should care more about their need of a Savior than their rejection.  This world needs the God inside of YOU!  Be the answer!

 

 

2 Timothy 1:7

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity

(of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear),

but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love

and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control.

What NOT to wear!

How do you get dressed in the morning?  If it is anything like me you put on 10 different outfits, stand in front of the mirror and assess why it will or will not work.  Then you spend the rest of your day pulling and tugging at your clothing to make sure your “muffin top” doesn’t hang over your pants, or your shirt doesn’t hike up to kingdom come.  What is the purpose for clothing?  It is more than just expressing your creative fashion.  We wear clothes to accentuate things we like about ourselves, while covering up the things that we don’t like.  Clothing covers our nakedness and vulnerability.  Well, the right clothes anyway.

 

Have you ever seen “What not to wear”?  I used to watch it ALL the time because I had no style and I was trying to figure out how to dress my body type.  It’s actually quite fascinating to see how a different outfit can make a woman look (and feel) like a completely different person.  For instance… an ill-fitting coat, with baggy pants and an awful pair of sneakers are bound to make any lady (young or old) feel unattractive.  You may think to yourself, who would dress like that?!  And my answer would be, you do.  Maybe not physically, but spiritually and emotionally we all do.  We all grab for that coat of insecurity, those pants of loneliness and those shoes of gossip.  We may have it all together on the outside, but on the inside we are on the worst dressed list of the century.

 

I was reading the other day in Proverbs 31 about the "virtuous woman".  It says in verse 25 that "strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure".  Strength and dignity.  I wish with all of my heart that more often than not I would leave the unkind words, insecure thoughts, anxiety, fear, and depression inside of the closet and grab for the strength and dignity instead.  But what is strength?  What does it look like?  Is it being a bully or someone to be feared?  Or is true strength knowing who you are despite circumstances or situations.  Having the strength to stand in faith when everything is going unimaginably wrong.  Having the strength to stand by your convictions no matter what friends may think or say.  Having the strength to say no when things are heating up with a boyfriend.  Having the strength to call yourself out when you make a mistake.  Physical ability can be taken away but strength of character cannot be taken from you.  So be strong ladies, be strong. It is so uncommon to find women who keep their shoulders back, their heads up, and a smile on their face through good times and bad. But that is the very essence of strength and dignity, an assurance that God has everything under control no matter what is going on in your life.  Through highs and lows, success and failure- you were created to clothe yourselves with strength and dignity!

 

Every time you wake up in the morning and decide not to deal with the issues in your life that are not in line with the character of God, I hope you remember that it is the same as wearing an overstuffed coat that is covering your true beauty- the lady that you were created to be, the beauty that was meant to shine in this dark world.  And every day you go on wearing it, you are fooling yourself further into believing that you cannot change- this is you.  What a lie straight from the bottom of an empty pie plate.  The grudge holding, foul speaking, insecure and lonely shell of a being is not you- unless you choose for it to be you.   So rise above whatever situation or feeling you are going through, and choose to clothe yourself with strength and dignity instead.  You are better than this.  I am better than this.  I may have come a long way, but I still have a lot more ugly clothes to throw in the trash!  I hope you will join me in reclaiming today what was designed just for you to wear- STRENGTH AND DIGNITY!

 

 

Proverbs 31: 25-27

"²⁵ Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is
strong and secure; she rejoices over the future [the latter day
or time to come, knowing that she and her family
are in readiness for it]! ²⁶ She opens her mouth in skillful

and godly Wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness
[giving counsel and instruction]. ²⁷ She looks well to
ow things go in her household, and the bread of idleness
(gossip, discontent, and self-pity) she will not eat."

The Benefits!

Have you ever worked a job (or for the students too young to work, gone to a school or played a sport) that offered killer benefits?  Not just medical benefits, although those are crucial when you have kids, but things that you may think are beneficial that others might not?  I had such a job...

 

When I was 18 years old I was hired to work at the front desk of a fancy salon in Rocklin.  It was minimum wage, with fluctuating weekly hours, and I was surrounded all day with beautiful women who had enough money to come every week for their nails or every month for their hair.  But let me tell you about the benefits...  I was able to get all salon products for half the price and paid a fraction of the cost whenever I wanted my hair done or eyebrows waxed.  IT WAS AMAZING!  Girls- you know what I am talking about.  It has only been recently that I have really missed that salon.  I miss the people, I miss the morning drives up the hill when the sun was rising, I miss getting dressed up everyday, and I miss- oh, how I miss- the ability to buy shampoo and conditioner that aren't found on Walmart shelves for under $5.  My hair misses those fancy products, it tells me every other day when I straighten it and I find more and more knots and split ends.  I miss the BENEFITS!

 

Last week when I posted, "Hello, my name was Nancy", there was this amazing scripture that was posted on the bottom that read "forget not all my benefits".  The more and more I went back and reread that post to make sure it was communicating precisely what I was feeling, the more I realized that the good things we remind ourselves of in the hard times are often connected with the "benefits".  (Let's just see how many times I can say that word in one post... not really, I just am at a loss for a different word to substitute in it's place).  In times of lonliness we remind ourselves that God is our friend that sticks closer than a brother (benefit), in times of weakness we remind ourselves that the Joy of the Lord is our strength (benefit), in times of hurt and bitterness we remind ourselves that we forgive because He first forgave us (benefit), in times of loss we remind ourselves that He is close to the brokenhearted (benefit), in times of busy-ness we remind ourselves that in Him we find true rest (benefit), in times of failure we remind ourselves that He was persecuted in our place so that we would not get what we truly deserve (benefit).  I could go on and on. 

 

What are you going through today?  What burden have you been carrying far too long?  FORGET NOT THE BENEFITS!  The benefit that He sent His Son to carry that for you, the benefit that He made a way to not only give you an eternal life but also a quality of life here, now.  So pick up that Bible, flip through it's promise-filled pages, and find the benefit that He has given you.  The one promise that will not only carry you but comfort you.  The one you can stand on, put your faith in, and speak out!  They are there girls (and boys).  They are there.  Whatever you are facing, whatever feeling that has overtaken your heart, search for the promise.  They were given to us for our benefit.

 

 

Romans 6:22

²² But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God,

the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life.

 

 

Hello, my name was Nancy

While cleaning house I like to turn on the TV so the boys don't get woken up from their nap early from the sound of the vacuum or their crazy mother falling off of a table reaching for a curtain... not that it has ever happened, but hypothetically if it did- they didn't wake up.  During one such cleaning session recently I overheard a commercial playing a song that I used to hear growing up and it took me back.  For that moment I felt like I was five years old again, without a responsibility or care in the world.  Then it happened again a few days ago, I turned on my parents television to put on some Saturday cartoons for Michael and the channel they had left it on was a music station and the song that was playing... only my one favorite song that I could sing from the time I could talk- "If you don't know me by now".  Don't judge me.  Isn't it crazy how a song, a sound, a smell, or a sight of something (yes, I may have purposefully found all "s" words for that) can bring you back in time to a memory that you may have stored away or forgotten.  How easily we forget. 

 

Too often in my teenage years I was a negative nancy, only thinking of how I "had it bad" because I was so focused on looking on the glass half empty.  Everyone has some memories that aren't so great, and some have a lot more of those memories than others but I can guarantee that if you change your focus you can find something positive.  It has been said, if you are looking for the negative you will find it and if you are looking for the positive you will find it.  So what are you looking for?  What are you focusing on?  The bible says that "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." (Philippians 4:8)  It does not say- whatever is hurtful, whatever wrongdoing, whatever feelings of lonliness or abandonment, or whatever overwhelming circumstance.  We don't have to be told to think of these things, we already do.  At moments we don't just think of such things, we obsess over them.  Then obsessing turns into anxiety or even further depression.  So what do you do when life gets overwhelming?  Remind yourself of the good things. 

 

When your parents are fighting, reming yourself of the good things.  When you've tried your best and all it got you was a C-, remind yourself of the good things.  When your friends have all made plans that didn't include you, remind yourself of the good things.  When you fail bigtime, remind yourself of the good things.  Or, when it is 4 in the morning and the baby won't stop crying, remind yourself of the good things. 

It wasn't that long ago that our little guy was laying in a NICU bed, strapped to 3 different machines, and getting poked and prodded with needles every few hours with no end in sight.  It was in those times that all I wanted, the only thing that was getting me out of bed in the morning, was the hope that one day he would be home.  Crying or not, sleeping or not, just home.  And now when it is 4 in the morning and Jacob has been crying for 2 hours my second thought is how I am so glad that he is home.  My first thought of course being, IT IS SO FREAKING EARLY! But hey, I am getting better.  The positive thought used to come after fifty negative ones.  One day I will wake up and just think how wonderful it is that he is home without any thought of lacking sleep or energy or patience.  But until this negative nancy turns completely into a positive pollyana, I will just have to stick to reminding myself.  I hope you will join me in the pursuit of positive thinking.  It doesn't mean that negative things won't happen, but it does mean that you won't happen to be negative with them.  Because let's face it, no one wants to talk to Nancy.

Psalm 103:2

Bless the LORD, O my soul, And forget not all His benefits.

What Hands Are For!

I had a proud mom moment this last week.  Michael, my now four year old, was done playing with his little action figures and proceeded to move on to his new train tracks he had just gotten for his birthday when I walked in and noticed the living room being overtaken with toys.  I quickly prompted Michael to clean up whatever he was not playing with before moving on to his next "adventure" and then it happened.  Almost in slow motion.  Michael reached over with his foot and snatched the little batman up with his toes and put it in the toy box.  There are many things that Michael has repeated after seeing or hearing me but this by far was my favorite!  I could almost here my dad's voice in the back of my head saying "pick it up with your hands; that's what you have hands for".  Yes, you are right, Dad.  That is what my hands are for- but it is much more fun picking up things with my feet!  I just smiled at Michael and helped him pick up the rest of his toys, using only our toes.

Recently in conversation I was talking with a friend about how the Bible talks about the church, referring to her as the Body of Christ.  The Body.  Made up of different parts, each with their own unique functions, all adding value in their own way to the one Body.  How amazing is that.  I may not be called to spend my life as a missionary to third world countries or do Children's ministry, work a corporate job or teach in a classroom but I am thankful for all of the men and women in the Body of Christ that are.  That is their function.  

What would happen if your abdomen was tired of supporting your back and decided instead that it would rather function as the neck?  Your body would collapse from a lack of support and your neck would fight against the abdomen to be the function of turning the head!  Or what about the eye wishing to be the mouth?  The ears wishing to be the heart?  Or what about the toes truly wishing to be the hands?  That isn't why God gave you toes, they may work in some limited ability to pick things up and pinch people (not that I have done such said things) but "that's what you have hands for"!  

I love the amazing prophecies that are happening in churches around, I love the visions and dreams that men and women are seeing of spiritual things and there was a time long ago when I would brush those things off as being "not of God" because I didn't understand them.  I would say that "this church" or "that group of people" were weird or some too practical.  Not understanding that my hand doesn't have to know why my behind just sits there, or my ear just listens.  It just has to rest assured that this body has the mind of Christ.  The brain tells each part what it needs to do.  When it is not obedient then God puts on his doctor's coat and does a little surgery on the body to fix it.  And I have complete faith in God that He alone will fix the body however He sees fit.

Not only does the brain give function to each part, but the heart gives life to each part.  The heart of God is to love.  Everything should function OUT OF LOVE!  Love your neighbor, love your enemy, love... love... LOVE!  So my declaration for myself is to be in tune with what God asks of ME to do, to trust that He will guide and direct others to function in their calling, and to stop making judgments on whether I think something is of God or not.  To pray for this body, that it will be the spotless bride that it was meant to be.  To pray that we all stand in unity, putting aside denomination or opinion.  To pray that I will surrender to the spiritual leader that God has placed in my life, knowing that they (he or she) was put there to keep me functioning correctly.  And to pray that above all else, I function with the mind of Christ IN love.  Because after all, God IS love!

1 Corinthians 13:1-8

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love,

I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. ² And though I have

the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though

I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 

³ And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my

body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing. ⁴ Love suffers long

and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 

 ⁵ does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 

 ⁶ does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; ⁷ bears all things,

believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. ⁸ Love never fails.

But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues,

they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away.

Not too close!

Ever had one of those- I think every pore on my face just imploded creating a mountain range of pimples- kind of mornings?  I can remember getting so embarrassed in middle school and unloading almost an entire concealer onto my face thinking that it would take less attention away from the momentary acne.  Why didn’t anyone ever pull me aside in love and say, “you know honey, concealer will make you continue to break out”.  AH!  Had to learn that one the hard way.  In those moments the most terrifying thing that anyone could do would be to want to talk to me face to face because they never wanted to stand 10 feet away, they would want to stand REAL close.  The kind of close that not only pops a personal bubble but also makes you feel like they could see into the very depths of your soul.  Does anyone ever really focus on what they are saying in that moment, or are you like me- consumed with the “I wonder what they are thinking about my face”, “I hope they don’t think that I don’t wash my face”, “of course I wash my face”, “I wonder if I just say yes if they will walk away”, “this is the longest 1 minute conversation I have ever had”…

Now why would I talk about breaking out and what in the world does this have to do with anything.  Well girls, here it is.  I am a perfectionist.  It is a blessing and a curse.  I not only like things to be perfectly in place but I need them to be.  The Lord has been working on me so I am much better now but I can remember when my husband and I first got into ministry and thinking to myself I have to have it all together.  I can’t make mistakes.  I can’t fail because someone might see me.  Don’t get too close, I look better from a distance.  If you have been around very long you can recognize the pressure that Christians are under these days.  Constantly being scrutinized and called hypocritical, being made fun of in the media and put down.  It can cause a girl like me to push people away because if they got too close they would see that I am just a hot mess like everyone else.  I fail (like I talked about in the last post) and I make mistakes, I do not deserve a pedestal.  No one does. 

The problem with pedestals is that no one besides Christ has ever lived a blameless life.  We all miss the mark, we all blow it, and we all BREAK OUT!   If you were to get too close to anyone besides Jesus you would see how incredibly imperfect we all are.  That is why we all need Him, to be our strength when we are weak!  How encouraging!  Not only does God use people with flaws, but that is the ONLY kind of person He uses.  Because there is no other kind!  We are all at different places in life, working out our own salvation, and each striving to walk “worthy of the calling”- taking two steps forward and sometimes one step back.  I am not the big deal.  I often remind myself that I am only A way to THE way, I am not THE way.  So take the pressure off, you are not the source of any person's salvation!  You are only "a" way- and as Christians all roads should lead to Christ!  So thank God for the leaders in your life!  Look up to them, admire them, but in the same breath pray for them and love them!   Don’t be shocked when you get too close and find out that Superman is really just Clark Kent in some spandex and a silly cape.  Save the pedestal for the One who gave His son to die on a cross for you.  The One who never fails, never gives up, never has a bad day, and most certainly never has a break out.

Hebrews 12:2

² looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy

that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down

at the right hand of the throne of God.

Psst... you are the joy that was set before Him... Just thought I'd point that out!