By Vanessa Shepherd
After
months of planning and a few days of non-stop prepping, I was on my way to what
I knew would be an incredible party with friends. I had thrown my fair share of showers before (seriously…
a ton) but this one was different because it was MINE! Knowing that most of my friends still resided
in Roseville, where I had spent the majority of my life until having moved an
hour away the year prior, I was sure to see many faces that I missed
dearly. Faces of the people I had shared
many great memories and laughs with.
Faces of the people that I had led and even served alongside in ministry
that had become a great deal to mine and my family’s life. Faces of the people who would jump at the
opportunity to celebrate with me that we were expecting our second child. I was so very excited to see those faces!
I
pulled up to my mother’s house and began to unload the mass amount of
ingredients, game supplies, prizes, and anything else I could fit in from my
car. It wasn’t an ideal situation but I hadn’t
wanted to put anyone out therefore deciding that throwing it myself would be
easiest for those unable to travel… an hour… to the shower that would be thrown
for me in Stockton. I made homemade
caramel popcorn, set up the living room, hung the decorations and waited as my
friends would show. I had sent out over
thirty invites, possibly even closer to forty, and now I waited… and waited… and
waited.
Four. That’s how many people showed up. Four.
I
knew asking them to drive an hour would be a stretch but driving ten minutes
across town, I never imagined that it would also be too much to ask for. I left that night feeling the loneliest I had
in years. And that one hour drive home
felt like an eternity as I stared into the darkness, tears rolling down my
face.
It
wasn’t a new feeling for me, being alone. No one showed up for my senior band
night. No one showed up for my senior
awards night. I had no one show up so
many times in life and although there were four of us there, it felt the same. It felt like no one wanted to show up. I
wasn’t worth an evening, or an afternoon, or an hour, or even a ten minute
drive. I wasn’t worth it.
As
I pulled up to my house, knowing that Rich was expectantly waiting to hear
every detail inside, something I never expected to- happened. The pastor’s wife that we had served under
for five years in Roseville called me.
We had only had a handful of conversations up until that point and it
came at a real surprise to look down and see her number on my phone. I tried my
best to pull myself together- to fake that I was strong enough, that I wasn’t
bothered- and then I answered.
“Hello?”
“Hi Vanessa. Tiffany came home and told me how upset she
was that only a few people showed up today.”
“Yea, it was a hard day.”
“Well I just want you to know that sometimes
because of your position in ministry; people think that everyone will show up
so no one does.”
I
sat in the garage for a long time as she talked with me about how many times
throughout the years she had experienced similar things, that people simply
wouldn’t think their “showing up” would be missed. Because you are in ministry,
because you are a pastor, it’s thought that you don’t need them as much. That no matter how much you give and are
“there” for others, sometimes you will still find yourself sitting in a barren
room wondering why you aren’t worth it.
You
may not have had the exact same experience as I had that day, but I can
guarantee that you have at one time or another felt the same way I had. Maybe you stumbled upon some pictures of a
party you were never invited to. Or
overheard some friends still laughing at the inside jokes from the weekend you
weren’t a part of. Or looked into the
stands at a sporting event you were playing in to find no one had showed up to
cheer you on. It is a terrible feeling.
Sitting
in that empty room it wasn’t some grand gesture that I so desperately wanted;
but someone to share in my happiness, to get excited with me, to laugh about
the crazy things that would undoubtedly lie ahead. I wanted someone to
understand that just “being there” was not only enough, but exactly what I
needed. Instead, I was alone… invisible.
So what do you do when you feel invisible to the world? Here’s a hint… GTL. (And not the GTL you may
be thinking of, but the kind that actually changes things.)
1. Guard Your Heart (Proverbs
4:23)
…which
can pretty much be the first point of any answer… for any topic. Yes. It is THAT important.
By
guarding your heart you are making a mindful attempt to allow and/or not allow
thoughts to become beliefs. Trust me in
this, Disney has it all wrong, DO NOT (under any circumstance) follow your
heart. It is a fickle organ that is
“deceitfully wicked” at times! And while
we are on the “do not’s”, here are a few more…
DO NOT focus on the completely irrational thoughts that creep in
while you are most vulnerable. DO NOT
allow bitterness or anger to change your thoughts toward any person for
any reason. And absolutely DO NOT take
it personal. It wasn’t a
deliberate statement, about you or your worth, it was simply an
assumption. A terribly false
assumption. However, the real injustice is not how they assumed
that showing up wouldn’t matter but how you translated it to mean that you
didn’t.
2. Talk About It (Matthew
18:15)
…not
to just anyone, but to the person who caused you pain in the first place. Conversations with anyone else (unless
seeking advice) would be nothing more than gossip.
Most
friend-splitting arguments are started well before any words are exchanged or
even spoken. An incident happens, an
offense is made, and we decide to push it under the rug until the overly
stuffed rug is too massive to ignore. Then BAM… huge argument leads to an end
to the friendship you held onto so dearly for years. Instead of refusing to confront the hard
issues, afraid of what they will think if you, in fact, were affected by their
actions, make the decision that your friendship is worth more than pretending
those situations don’t hurt.
3. Love By Example (Proverbs
10:12)
…which
is exactly what Jesus did. No need to
search for hours in the scripture, it is that simple. Just love.
There
have been many times in life where I would receive an invitation and without
skipping a beat think to myself, “well they didn’t show up to my party, why
should I go to theirs? They wouldn’t even know if I showed up.” And the truth is, yes, you may be just
another face in a very large crowd. Yes, you may even go unnoticed for an
entire evening. And yes, you may find it
a total bore or complete waste of your time.
But what if no one showed up?
What if your face was the difference between someone feeling completely invisible
or finally seen? What if that one day was
in fact the most important day? What if
we loved like Jesus commanded us to, not repaying evil for evil but chose
instead to rise above and do the right thing?
What if? Would it have made the
difference if they were the ones deciding to show up for you?
Some
days we will be overlooked, taken advantage of, and underappreciated. Some days we will feel two inches tall. And while I am not suggesting that you allow
people to walk all over you, I am suggesting that you stop allowing their
actions to destroy your security. You
ARE worth it. Your worth is not found in
the words or actions of others. It was already decided upon by the one action
of God sacrificing His Son when He looked at you and declared you to be “worth
it”. End of story. And as far as what happened after that baby shower… well, I
learned to appreciate when friends would make the time to drive out to see us,
and not let it affect me so much when they didn’t. Not to say I have perfected it, but I don’t
want to punch anyone when I see them weeks later… so I’d say that’s progress.
1 Thessalonians 5:15
See that none of you repays another with evil for evil, but always aim to show kindness and seek to do good to one another and to everybody.
PS
My friend Tiffany was not only one of the four who showed up to that baby
shower in Roseville, but also took the time to drove to the shower in Stockton
a month later. We have kept in contact all this time even with our move to
Central Cal and hers to Oregon; our friendship has spanned almost ten years
now, which is the longest I have had the privilege of calling someone “friend”.
True story. She is the perfect example of just “being
there”, and has been to many events when few others showed up. She is a gentle reminder for me of God’s
goodness in our pain and I cherish her deeply.
No comments:
Post a Comment