To be or not to be...

For those who haven't read my blog from last week this first part might be a little confusing, but to those who are aware of our current situation I wanted to let you know that we got news today.  At our follow up ultrasound the baby showed no growth or heart beat.  Not exactly what I thought we would hear.  Deep breaths, Vanessa, deep breaths.   I will go in for more blood tests to make sure of what the doctors already believe to be true in their hearts, we miscarried.  This is now the hardest part, waiting for my body to recognize that the baby is no longer growing and allowing it to pass through my system.  I cannot tell you what sadness and relief will come on that day to know that it is really over, but I can assure you that God is still good.

 

I believe with all of my heart that God has, and will continue to, work this for not only our good, but hopefully for the good of those who down the road will go through similar situations.  If you can find anything in this blog I hope that it is comfort.

 

I wanted to take a minute to encourage you, whoever you are, that are also going through a tough season- whatever it may be.  Allow yourself to feel.  Have a feeling.  Embrace that feeling.  And then let it go.  The bible says to "be angry but sin not".  If these words are separated then the actual emotion of anger is not sin. Neither is sadness. Or mourning.  Or concern.  Or any other emotion that you may feel.  So feel it.  It's ok to cry, and boy don't I know it.  But at the end of your tear fest (which I have known too well this past week), pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and tell yourself that this feeling will not control you.  So when does anger or sadness turn to sin?  When we start to doubt, speak ill of others, gossip, allow hate or bitterness to enter or heart, or any other thing that the bible speaks of.  But believe me, you can get angry without doing any of those things!  And shoot fire, I'm ANGRY!

 

You HAVE emotions, but you don't have to BE them.  We have the reaction of anger when circumstances (or people) come against us but we choose to allow it to turn into hatred.  We have the reaction of sadness when bad news comes, but we choose to allow it to consume our lives and turn into full blown depression.  But if this is true, so is the opposite.  Something can bring me joy, but it is my choice to live happy.  I choose to BE happy.  Yes, I may be heartbroken, yes I may even take a day or two to grieve (or throw some rocks at a wall- don't judge me, Jesus flipped over tables when he got angry), but I will still choose to be happy because it is my choice. 

 

So friend... let's choose... choose to speak faith, choose to keep our head up, choose to keep trusting our God who is always faithful.  I don't understand- but that's ok- I still trust. I still have faith.  I am still happy.  To be or not to be (happy), its up to you.

Proverbs 3:5

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;

What is this?!

On our last date night my husband took me to one of my favorite restaurants, Mimi's Cafe! They have an amazing brunch menu but I've never been for dinner and that's exactly when we went. As we looked through the menu I remember thinking I wanted one of everything but alas I settled on an old favorite- Chicken Marsala! We get our meals and they were fantastic, Rich looked down at his plate poking his food and asked "What is this creep made out of?... Oh, I mean this crap?" It took everything in me not to roll out of the booth from laughing so hard, "oh, you mean your CREPE?" I responded. It is safe to say that my husband is not a foodie, good thing he married me so he wouldn't really have to eat cr... I mean... Bad food!

I love to bake and I know exactly what you need to make a crepe, but even with Rich's lack of knowledge in this particular area it didn't keep him from enjoying his delicious food. Because he trusted that the cook did know and that was good enough for him, answers or not!

A couple weeks ago we surprisingly found out that we were expecting a third little blessing. It was a shock to say the least but we were excited nonetheless. Then it came time for my 8 week check up appointment. On Monday my doctor told me that she didn't see a baby. My body was pregnant she agreed but it could be a false pregnancy. My world was a little shaken by the news. She wanted to make sure and sent me for another appointment to the radiology office where an ultrasound showed a baby at 6 weeks (when my uterus was at 8 weeks) with no heartbeat. I would love to say I held it together, and I did until I got into my car. I sat there in the parking lot crying my eyes out, not just begging but pleading with the Lord to do something. My husband so graciously met me by the back door when I arrived home and let me weep in his arms while I tried to gather my thoughts.

One minute I am grieving the loss of a baby and the next my doctor calls to tell me that there is a small chance the baby could still be ok. What the what?! My bloodwork came back "positive" (whatever that means) and I had to set up an appointment for Monday to check to see if the baby has grown. I sit here a confused woman holding on to the glimmer of hope that this baby will be ok and I'm reminded of that date night. You see, I don't know why things happen or how things will turn out, but I trust the One who is working it all together. That's what Romans 8:28 says that He "WORKS all things for our good". Flour by itself is NOT good, baking powder would make you sick, but I trust that the One putting them all together knows just how to WORK them and add the necessary ingredients to make a delicious crepe.

This is not a sob story, it is a story I wanted to share with all of you I consider friends and family. And if you can take anything from it, I hope you will remember this... That you won't always get the answer you hope for, you won't always understand, but you will ALWAYS be looked after to take every rotten situation and work it for your benefit. So here I still sit.  Confused. Saddened. Hopeful. Saying the same thing that Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego did in Daniel chapter 3- My God will save me (come through for me , work a miracle for me) and even if He doesn't... I will still trust that this too will one day be worked for my good.  Keep trusting my friends.  He hasn't forgotten about me and He will surely not forget about you.

 

 

Proverbs 3:5

"Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart

and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding."

Do you know?

Last month we moved into this lovely little home and even though we were only moving five minutes away, it still meant we had to pack the entire house and enlist a few willing friends to help load the storage bins in and out of the huge U-Haul truck.  In the process of this move I may or may not have fallen off of a table, which I believe I have mentioned in a previous post so I suppose you now assume it as fact.  You would be correct in your assumption, yes, yes I did fall.  I fell so hard in fact that I had one large bruise that expanded from one shoulder across my chest to the other arm, so dark that it would be impossible not to notice it.  I say this to preface my next story.  Just remember... giant bruise...

 

I had used the last diaper one morning and had completely forgotten about it until the smell of something most awful was coming from my unsuspecting sweet-faced baby boy.  In a mad dash I threw my hair in a ponytail and ran out the door without my face done up with makeup (which always brings on a number of "concerned" comments which I find to be quite amusing).  I raced around the store with my two boys until we found the baby section, tossed the diapers in the cart and jolted to the front hoping that we wouldn't be in one spot long enough for anyone to smell what had to be the worst combination of digested foods to make such a stink that had a category all of it's own.  I opted for self check out to further prevent being in the store longer, with no avail.  It wouldn't scan and the cashier walked over to help.  She looked at me and then at the boys.  Making awkward conversation she looked at Michael and asked, "so how old are you?".  His response... wait for it... here it comes... "I'm four"... I wish I could say that he ended it there but he didn't... "But one day I'll be big like daddy and he won't BEAT me".  Yep.  He just said that.  Now remember that bruise.  I rest my case. 

 

All I could think was, hold off on the phone call to CPS please- you'd have to know Michael to understand.  You see, Michael is 4.  The most competitive 4 year old I have ever met. There is nothing in our daily routine that isn't considered a race in his eyes; brushing teeth, getting dressed, eating, cleaning... NOTHING!  So while it may look like we are a battered family, and my son may make comments about "beating" I can assure you that there is no such thing going on.  But, you would have to KNOW Michael to really understand.

 

Have you ever thought what it looks like to others when you say that you believe in a God who sent His Son to DIE for us?  I can just imagine people thinking what a cruel thing to do, sacrificing a perfect man for an innumerable amount of imperfect people.  Not only that but now there are all kind of crazy doctrines floating around and sometimes I just want to scream "that is not the character of God, He wouldn't do that!".  Yes, He sent His Son.  He knew that was the only way to gain relationship back with you and I.  It is the greatest expression of love that I have ever seen.  It is not cruel.  It was, I can assure you, the last thing that God would ever want to do.  No parent willingly sacrifices their only child unless it was the absolute only way.  You'd have to KNOW Him though to understand. 

 

The things people say about God "hating homosexuals" (notice I didn't say homosexuality) or "predestining some to spend an eternity in Hell" just turns my stomach.  YOU HAVE IT ALL WRONG!  My friend, please read your bible!  With all of the love I can muster in my heart I plead that any belief you make in your heart about the character of God is derived directly from the Word of God.  He loves unconditionally. Nothing can separate us from the love of God but many things can separate us from a relationship with Him and that is where we get in trouble.  When we are out of relationship with Him we are at the mercy of our own assumptions about His ways.  Think of it in relation with your own life, until you get to know a person do you not assume what their character is like by their actions and what others say about them?  Maybe I am the only guilty one but it is dangerous ground.  So please, stop thinking God is mad at you or hates you sweet friend.  And please stop believing that He can hate anyone else.  Spend some time getting to know Him and you'll see that He thinks the world of you and I!

 

 

John 3:16-17

^"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son,

that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world,

but that the world through Him might be saved."

 

Do Something...

Last month our youth group was challenged to give "Change for Change" in our "Be The Change" series.  Rich and I had talked beforehand about who God had placed on our heart and without hesitation we both came to the conclusion that we would love to bless a family in our church who's son needed yet another heart surgery at the tender age of 3.  His name is Micah Ward and he not only rocks a sweet and courageous spirit, but also an extra chromosome.  This beautiful little boy is one of the many in this great nation who was born with down syndrome.

 

I can't imagine the feelings an expectant mother would feel when being told that her child would be born with special needs or even the pressure she would face from well meaning doctors who think that they can "solve the problem" by terminating a life.  I can't imagine the hardships not only financially but in so many other areas that raising this child would bring.  But I can tell you that I am so thankful for families who rise to the occassion to show the world how incredibly beautiful life can be when you have a child with down syndrome.  These families are my heroes.

 

This past month was such a blessing for my husband and I not only because we were able to "share the burden" (like I talked about in my last post) but also because we had the opportunity to see students go above and beyond to help someone in need.  Whoever said that teenagers were selfish, never met the teenagers we have the opportunity of seeing on a weekly basis!  One jr higher sold an iPod that she had won to help raise money while another student had spent the entire month collecting cans, raising almost half of the contest money herself.  These teenagers are some of the best around.  I am so thankful to be their youth pastor.  These students are my heroes.

 

I don't know what causes you to rise up and speak out but abortion is one of those topics that makes me well up in tears and clench my fists at the same time.  Whether your child would have a special need or not, it is a baby, a gift from the Lord Himself and there is nothing "wrong" with them.  Whether you or a friend have dealt with this issue I pray that you fight against the cultural pressures of abortion and see the situation as God sees it.  There are options my friends, and abortion isn't one of them.  You can do it, I promise that you can do it!  And if raising this child is out of the question, I know so many loving familes that would be more than thrilled to welcome them into their home.  Please, I beg of you, give this precious little one a chance.

 

This morning my husband and I watched a touching story about a father who faced all of the pressures known to those who have children with down syndrome and I couldn't help but cry (to watch his heart wrenching interview, click on the link here...Pushing Paisley... A father's story).  This amazing little girl was given a chance, despite her father's wishes, and an amazing story was birthed out of it.  I know this post is different from most that I have written but I believe with all of my heart that God has called us to speak for those who can't.  I challenge you to find a cause and fight for it!   It has been said that "all it takes for evil to succeed is for good men (or women) to do nothing".  So... Let's DO SOMETHING!!!!
 

 

Hebrews 13:16

And don’t forget to do good and to share with those in need.

These are the sacrifices that please God.

Sharing is Caring

Michael was an only child for three and a half years which made the lesson about sharing toys a little more interesting to teach.  There were days that we would be playing with his trains or legos and I would purposefully take one away that he was playing with just to get a rise out of him and be able to talk to him about the whole concept of allowing someone else to play with "his" things.  I am sure I looked ridiculous but there are only so many play dates that a child can have and I knew with baby number two on the way we really needed to hit the subject head on.  Well after many tantrums and time outs I can remember when he finally responded the way I was hoping- "sharing is caring" he said to me.

 

Now I am sure that you are thinking what a wonderful four year old.  And yes, he is wonderful, but in the moment he said this phrase it wasn't exactly what I was expecting.  Rich and I were sitting down in the livingroom (probably watching something manly like Project Runway or Army Wives, not that he would ever confess to watching such things with me) and typical of the iGeneration Michael comes waltzing into the room asking to play a game on his phone.  When Rich said he couldn't Michael pulled out the key phrase that I had been trying to teach him, "but dad, sharing is caring".  We had a big laugh.  He knew the essence of the phrase whether he wanted to apply it to his own life or not. 

 

And he was right, sharing is caring.

 

Yesterday, during the morning church service, we had an abundance of people asking to be prayed over and the man in charge of our altar care motioned over for me to come help.  As I stood in front a woman walked up to me, sobbing so uncontrollably that I couldn't make out any of the words she was saying.  So I grabbed one of her hands with mine and wrapped the other one around her pulling her in close.  I started to pray for her and as I did I began to feel her pain.  Her burden had become my burden.  The weight on her shoulders was now the weight on my shoulders.  I don't know her situation or the cause of her pain but I can tell you that it reached to the depths of her soul.  As I pulled away I could feel the tears streaming down my face and all I could think to myself was peace, peace that surpasses understanding, and strength and faith in the Lord to overcome any trial she may be facing. That was my continual thoughts and prayer for her.  I returned to my seat, ruined for the rest of the service.

 

I woke up today knowing that I wanted to share this with you, whoever you may be, because I know that you or someone you know has at one time been caught under the weight of something such as this.  When your pain was so insurmountable that tears replaced your words and you found your greatest strength on your knees pleading with the Lord.  God is so good and gracious towards us that He put such a wonderful verse in the Bible for such times as these, it says to "carry one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2).  This verse goes back to the very lesson I have been trying to instill in my son- that sharing is caring.  You were never meant to feel the burden alone.  Your family was never meant to carry their burden alone.  Your friends were never meant to carry their burden alone.  The homeless, the widows, the orphans- and anyone else facing great struggles- were never meant to carry their burden alone.  Let's pray for them... let's give of our time and abundance... let's share in their heavy load.  Because sharing IS caring.

 

 

Matthew 11:28-30

" Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 
Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” 

It Wasn't Me

I was 5 years old and sent to the corner because my sister and I were fighting.  (If you are unsure of what being sent to "the corner" is, then just picture staring at the spot where two walls meet for however long your parents take to cool down from your bad behavior)  While standing there I decided to scratch my name in the paint with my fingernail.  I was so proud of myself for spelling it correctly, and then the timer beeped- time to play again!  I ran into the room, acting as if nothing had happened and then I heard my mother's voice.  "VANESSA!  GET OVER HERE!"  I walk over and see her pointing to the corner where I had been standing.  "WHY DID YOU WRITE YOUR NAME IN THE CORNER?" She asked so politely (or at least we can pretend it was since she in fact reads my blog posts).  And I, being the best child of the four, responded with, "It wasn't me!".  Oh dear, what would possess me to say that?  I was the only one standing there.  For heaven's sake it was MY name!  But now that I have said it I am committed to it.  So I stuck with it, "Stephanie must have scratched my name in the corner to get me in trouble".  Yes, that must be it. 

 

Why is it that in moments of two very clear options, we pick telling a lie instead of the truth.  If we are proud of our actions while we are doing it, we may as well be proud of it when someone asks us to own up to it.  Take responsibility, Vanessa, take responsibility!  Of course I chose to do the wrong thing that day, and I won't reveal my punishment for it.  Mainly because I don't remember.  But I was punished, I can assure you of that! Now the reason I tell you this story is to lead up to another story that is not quite as funny.  A story that I am ashamed of but, you can guarantee, learned something from. 

 

As an eighth grader I was trying to find my place amongst fellow students.  I was an odd duckling.  I didn't really "fit in".  I was a part of the christian club on campus because I could find a common bond with others who had a belief in God, but I had no real relationsihp with Him.  They were announcing "See You At The Pole" coming up and I was sure to be there.  Students gathering around a flag pole to pray for their teachers, principals, friends, family, our nation, our churches and really anything else that came to mind.  I had been to them before, it wasn't my first rodeo.  So I got to school early that day, joined hands with the other students, prayed under my breath because I was too shy to speak out loud, and continued on with my day.  I was a part of the student government and during class one of the more popular seventh graders asked me what I was doing that morning.  I pretended to act confused.  He didn't buy it, and proceeded to ask more questions.  And then I said it.  "It wasn't me!"  I am sure he didn't believe me, but he let it go none-the-less. 

 

Have you read the story of Peter where he denied Christ three times.  I felt like that had just happened.  I denied Him.  I denied knowing anything about Him.  I don't know if you have ever experienced a time when someone has asked you about your faith and instead you brushed it off but it has to be one of the worst feelings.  Being in ministry we call those "open doors"- when people willingly open the door for you to speak about your faith.  But I didn't.  I didn't share my faith.  I pretended to not even know God. 

 

I am so thankful that God is so loving and forgiving.  Despite knowing we would deny Him, He still chooses to believe the best in us.  Really read the story of Peter, God didn't erase the plans He had for him because Peter denied knowing Jesus.  In fact, Peter went on to preach the gospel, see thousands of people come to faith in Christ, and through those millions more.  God never looks at our past to determine our future.  So students, tomorrow is another opportunity for See You At The Pole.  Show up to your school early, link arms with fellow students who are committed to their faith in God, and never back down from an open door.  The thought of being made fun of can be terrifying but you should care more about their need of a Savior than their rejection.  This world needs the God inside of YOU!  Be the answer!

 

 

2 Timothy 1:7

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity

(of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear),

but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love

and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control.

What NOT to wear!

How do you get dressed in the morning?  If it is anything like me you put on 10 different outfits, stand in front of the mirror and assess why it will or will not work.  Then you spend the rest of your day pulling and tugging at your clothing to make sure your “muffin top” doesn’t hang over your pants, or your shirt doesn’t hike up to kingdom come.  What is the purpose for clothing?  It is more than just expressing your creative fashion.  We wear clothes to accentuate things we like about ourselves, while covering up the things that we don’t like.  Clothing covers our nakedness and vulnerability.  Well, the right clothes anyway.

 

Have you ever seen “What not to wear”?  I used to watch it ALL the time because I had no style and I was trying to figure out how to dress my body type.  It’s actually quite fascinating to see how a different outfit can make a woman look (and feel) like a completely different person.  For instance… an ill-fitting coat, with baggy pants and an awful pair of sneakers are bound to make any lady (young or old) feel unattractive.  You may think to yourself, who would dress like that?!  And my answer would be, you do.  Maybe not physically, but spiritually and emotionally we all do.  We all grab for that coat of insecurity, those pants of loneliness and those shoes of gossip.  We may have it all together on the outside, but on the inside we are on the worst dressed list of the century.

 

I was reading the other day in Proverbs 31 about the "virtuous woman".  It says in verse 25 that "strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure".  Strength and dignity.  I wish with all of my heart that more often than not I would leave the unkind words, insecure thoughts, anxiety, fear, and depression inside of the closet and grab for the strength and dignity instead.  But what is strength?  What does it look like?  Is it being a bully or someone to be feared?  Or is true strength knowing who you are despite circumstances or situations.  Having the strength to stand in faith when everything is going unimaginably wrong.  Having the strength to stand by your convictions no matter what friends may think or say.  Having the strength to say no when things are heating up with a boyfriend.  Having the strength to call yourself out when you make a mistake.  Physical ability can be taken away but strength of character cannot be taken from you.  So be strong ladies, be strong. It is so uncommon to find women who keep their shoulders back, their heads up, and a smile on their face through good times and bad. But that is the very essence of strength and dignity, an assurance that God has everything under control no matter what is going on in your life.  Through highs and lows, success and failure- you were created to clothe yourselves with strength and dignity!

 

Every time you wake up in the morning and decide not to deal with the issues in your life that are not in line with the character of God, I hope you remember that it is the same as wearing an overstuffed coat that is covering your true beauty- the lady that you were created to be, the beauty that was meant to shine in this dark world.  And every day you go on wearing it, you are fooling yourself further into believing that you cannot change- this is you.  What a lie straight from the bottom of an empty pie plate.  The grudge holding, foul speaking, insecure and lonely shell of a being is not you- unless you choose for it to be you.   So rise above whatever situation or feeling you are going through, and choose to clothe yourself with strength and dignity instead.  You are better than this.  I am better than this.  I may have come a long way, but I still have a lot more ugly clothes to throw in the trash!  I hope you will join me in reclaiming today what was designed just for you to wear- STRENGTH AND DIGNITY!

 

 

Proverbs 31: 25-27

"²⁵ Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is
strong and secure; she rejoices over the future [the latter day
or time to come, knowing that she and her family
are in readiness for it]! ²⁶ She opens her mouth in skillful

and godly Wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness
[giving counsel and instruction]. ²⁷ She looks well to
ow things go in her household, and the bread of idleness
(gossip, discontent, and self-pity) she will not eat."