I'm happy for you!

You are guaranteed to find two things at our dinner table:  Good food and a four year old looking for a race.  Every night it is the same thing, “Mom, am I beating you?”  And like the good Mom that I believe myself to be I usually respond with, “No, you’re not Michael”.  It may say sound harsh but I am trying to prepare him for the real world.  The world in which people will run further, jump higher, and maybe even eat faster than him.  Yes, this real world does exist.  The part that breaks my heart is after I have told Michael that in fact I am beating him, he then shrugs his shoulders and says, “I guess I’m not awesome”.  Of course I give him the talk about how he is wonderful and awesome.  About how just because I am eating faster than him does not take that fact away.  But in his four year old little mind the only conclusion he can make is this- If you are winning, then I am not.

 

 When did we start to believe this lie?  I am not talking about sports or competitions of any kind that clearly call for a rank of some sorts.  I am however talking about the day to day life in which we struggle to be happy for someone else’s victory if we are struggling with defeat in that same area.  It sounds so easy to say “I’m happy for you”- but when it comes down to it, it is a lot harder to get out of our mouth and even harder to mean with our whole heart.   If paying someone a compliment means depleting your own happiness or self-worth, then you are drawing from the wrong account!   

 

I have been on both sides of this topic!  I have been the one to share good news and I have also been the one to hear about it.  I have been the one to want for years to own my own home only to hear friend after friend tell me their exciting news about buying their first house.  I have been the one to want a third child only to have an unexpected pregnancy and miscarriage while friend after friend find out that they are pregnant.  I have been the one to want the ability to buy excessive amounts of new clothing only to see friend after friend walking around in some.  I understand what it is like to have to say “I’m happy for you” through the grinding of your teeth and the biting of your lip.  It is hard, and sometimes not even truthful.  But at the end of the day if I can bring myself to say that I am happy for them and truly mean it, you better believe that I am not saying that I am sad for me.  The two are not related.  And while their victories may be a reminder of my defeat- it is not a reflection of it!

 

After my little pep talk with Michael about how he is awesome even though I may be eating faster, I always end it with “now, say ‘Good Job Mommy’”.  I know that it is hard for him because he puts his head down and underneath his breath you can barely make out those three little words that I asked him to repeat.  But he says it.  And then I shrink down to look at him face to face and tell him “Now you say, ‘I’ll get you next time!’”  This part he can say with much excitement and it makes my heart happy.  The competitive side of him kicks in and he realizes that it is not the end.  There will be many many more dinners.  And that is the reality of it all.  There will be many more chances for victory in your own life even if at the moment you are walking in defeat.  You too will one day have the ability to shop until you drop, meet the love of your life or get the keys to a fancy new car.  And just because someone gets it first doesn’t mean that you won’t.  So practice saying it with me, “I’m happy for you!” 

 

 

 

Exodus 20:17

"You must not covet your neighbor's house.  You must not covet your neighbor's wife [or boyfriend], male or female servant [or mother who cleans for them], ox or donkey [or corvette], or anything else that belongs to your neighbor."

Waiting for answers is the worst part

This time last year I was preparing for our second son's arrival.  Questions raced through my head all day; what would he look like, would he have the same crazy hair as our first son, would he be independent or a momma's boy, would he be a sleeper... Dear God, please let him be a sleeper!  Waiting for answers was the worst part.  And then he was here.  All 8 pounds 6 ounces of him.  White as can be, nearly bald but for the blonde fuzz that stuck to his head.  Nothing like our first son, Michael.  No, but in his own way Jacob was perfect.

 

We spent that first night together.  I should have let him sleep in the plastic wheelcart they push around for newborns that they call a basinet but I was too much in love to let him leave my side.  I don't know that I got any sleep that night, I just remember staring at him.  The morning crept up so fast and before I knew it Rich was out the door getting his energy drink fix and my favorite Starbucks drink while nurses paraded in and out.  The pediatrician stopped in to see our little man and I couldn't wait to hear the words- you can take him home today!  I waited for what seemed like forever as he examined his little body, and what started out as a normal check up turned into a concerned look on the doctors face.  He didn't say anything at first, he just rushed out of the room to find the nurse.  Waiting for answers was the worst part.  As they both came back in they put Jacob in his wheelcart and as they were pushing him away they told me that our son had a problem with his heart and needed to be rushed to the NICU immediately.  They wheeled him upstairs and a nurse held my hand as I tried to keep up walking behind him.  I didn't understand what was happening.  And I was all alone. 

 

I remember walking into the most severe of the NICU rooms and seeing him there with wires and IV's coming out of him, surrounded by the tiniest babies I had ever seen.  One of the nurses greeted me and pulled a chair out for me to sit on next to his station.  She told me that one of the doctors would fill me in with what was happening once my husband had arrived.  Seeing Rich walk through the door was the only relief I had that day.  His strength.  His faith.  His hand holding tightly to mine as they told us that not only did our son have a few holes in his heart (an anatomical problem which was common in some babies) but there was also a third degree heart blockage (an electrical problem that would cause his heart to skip every third beat).  I looked up at the monitor in disbelief.  My questions from the night before seemed insignificant and I was now wondering; would my child be able to play baseball, will he need surgery or long term medication, will he even have a normal childhood?  Waiting for answers was the worst part.  The doctors were just as confused by the condition as we were because they had never seen it before in the NICU.  Our pediatrician had only come across this condition once before, 30 years ago, and that baby had needed a pacemaker.

 

I knew that God had a plan for our little Jacob.  I knew that somehow He would heal him.  Whether it was a pacemaker or a miracle- Jacob would live a full life.  I wished I had the answers right then.  I wished someone could have told me exactly how God planned to help our little boy, waiting for answers was the worst part.  We were released from the hospital and for six days we were given little hope by doctors and nurses as his heart showed no change in rythm. I had to drive back and forth every 3 hours to feed Jacob and the one true comfort I had, I found in the Word.  I would find a way to hold him close, not to tangle his cords, and I would speak a new verse into his ear everyday.  A verse of healing, a verse of hope and a verse of strength.  It was like a fog had settled over our lives and the deepest of sorrows filled my heart but I refused to let it shake my faith.  "Don't be confused by my tears", I remember telling my seemingly unshaken husband, "I know that God will heal him."  

 

Jacob was released on December 23, 2012 into the outpatient care of a heart specialist.  The nurses couldn't believe they were letting us go but I knew that it was God- it had been my one and only Christmas wish, to have our family home.  In the months that followed we took Jacob in to get scans of his heart, each time hoping that something had changed.  On the morning of his three month checkup, I remember an overwhelming peace that came over me.  This was different from the peace I had felt that had comforted me through this whole situation.  It was a peace that knew this time something was different.  I made sugar cookies shaped like hearts and brought them with me to the appointment.  The specialist brought the machine over, and as I sat there looking at the screen the only thing I could think of was that the waiting for answers was the worst part.  And then he looked up.  He smiled.  And he told me that Jacob was completely healthy, there was no trace of any heart problems at all.  He would live a long, happy, normal life. 

 

I cried.  Then I wiped away my tears, smiled and handed him his plate of cookies to thank him for his help.  I walked out of there sure of what I already knew- that God can still do miracles. 

 

Now besides the fact that it is almost Jacob's first birthday, there is another reason that I wanted to share his story.  After going through the loss of a miscarriage I have heard many well meaning people say that "we don't always understand God's will".  I am deeply saddened by this.  I am saddened that they would serve a God they would believe to allow a woman to get pregnant and then cause her to miscarry all in the name of "God's will".  This is not the God we serve.  The bible says in Jeremiah 29:11 that "His plans are good and not evil, to give us hope and a future".  His plan was not for me to miscarry or for Jacob to have a third degree heart blockage.  And as I have said many times before, God WORKS all things for our good even when they aren't good (Romans 8:28).  I don't know why we miscarried and if I was waiting for the answer then I would be waiting a long time.  I don't think any answer would be good enough but it surely was not His plan.  He is good. 
 

I know in difficult times we often search for a reason why, believing that the answer might give us some closure.  I can assure you that it does not.  It does not take the pain away.  It does not give us back what was taken.  It does not cause us enough strength or peace to carry on.  When there are tragedies that cause insurmountable pain and no answers to be found, hold on to hope.  Hold on to the words of a loving God.  Whether the situation comes out like Jacob's story and you find a great victory, or whether you are left after a tragic situation (for us- a miscarriage) pulling yourself together from what feels like an incredible defeat- just know that if you are looking back waiting for answers then you will never truly embrace what is surrounding you now.  Waiting for answers is the worst part. 

 

 

 

John 16:33

"I’ve told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured,

deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties.

But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.”

The Message

That's what we need!

"Oh the weather outside is frightful..." or it was anyway.  And not frightful in the sense that we would lose our home but rather it was a Sunday morning and my once straight and perfectly poofed up pony tail was now a sad, half wet, droopy hot mess by the time I reached the shelter of the inside of the church.  Even more funny to look at was my unsuspecting eleven month old who was soaked from head to toe.  His confused little face brought me back to the beginning of the year when a quick trip to Target turned into a mad dash for the car.  When we had arrived at the store the sky was partly cloudy, and I know that I may take my time in such a wonderful place that offers such cute clothes at such inexpensive prices, but I do know that I was not in there longer than 30 minutes.  Obviously 30 minutes was long enough for a storm to form and pour down flash-flood worthy rain. 

 

As I frantically pushed my two boys to the car, threw them in the back seat and buckeled them as fast as I possibly could- the woman parked next to us sauntered up and slowly began to unload her things.  "SEE MOM!" Michael yelled to me, "THAT's what we need!".  I look over to my son pointing at the reason for this woman's tranquil composure- an umbrella.  I am sure at one point I have bought an umbrella, certainly I have borrowed one a time or two and known of it's benefits, but I would be lying if I said that I had just merely forgotten it that day.  I had no clue where that silly thing was.  I have gone many a rainy seasons without and I still have yet to buy one;  that little $10 purchase could have been the very thing to save my hair on such a gloomy Sunday morning, but as I look out at a clear sky an umbrella is the last thing on my mind.

 

It's funny isn't it.  In the middle of the storm we are frantic, not heeding the numerous warnings given to us by the news, but as soon as it is over we return back to normal life as if nothing has happened.  These last two months can be described as nothing less than stormy (figuratively speaking of course) for our little family.  I have had the opportunity to share with many friends about our situation and have often been questioned about my noticeably calm demeaner. It is not a defense mechanism, I am not ignoring or putting off what has happened, and I am certainly not relieved- I just have an umbrella.  An umbrella?  Yes, an umbrella that I take with me everywhere I go no matter the season.  Because you never know when a sneaky little storm will come and catch you completely off guard.

 

This thing I carry with me, is my protection from all life may throw at me.  It is the thing that keeps the sun from burning my skin and the same thing that keeps the rain from deflating my hair.  It not only protects me, but my children and those close to me.  It is at times the only thing keeping me from coming completely undone.  I am sure if you have talked with me long enough you know that what I am speaking about is my personal relationship with a loving God and if you are without one then don't be confused if I saunter up beside you and start to unload the things into my car- unchanged by my surroundings.  I'm covered.  I'm protected.  I'm crazy enough to believe the words that He spoke to me that are written in my Bible.  Words of peace that surpasses understanding, joy that comes in the morning, strength when I am weak, a promise to never be left alone, and love that sees past my failures.  I may not always have to use those promises, but when the storm comes that umbrella is the first thing I reach for.  (Secondly of course would be my waterproof mascara, but that isn't the point.) 

 

If only people knew that their local stores offered such umbrellas.  And when they reached the counter they would find out that someone had already paid the price.  It is a free gift.  And I love free. Friends, life can be stormy sometimes but don't blame the umbrella!  Go get one, and don't just keep it locked away in a closet somewhere- use it, it will change your life!

 

 

Psalm 91:14-16*

“Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him;

I will set him on high, because he has known My name. 

He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; 

I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him.

With long life I will satisfy him, and show him My salvation.”

 

*This is only a snid-bit of my favorite chapter, I encourage you to read all of Psalm 91!

  

To be or not to be...

For those who haven't read my blog from last week this first part might be a little confusing, but to those who are aware of our current situation I wanted to let you know that we got news today.  At our follow up ultrasound the baby showed no growth or heart beat.  Not exactly what I thought we would hear.  Deep breaths, Vanessa, deep breaths.   I will go in for more blood tests to make sure of what the doctors already believe to be true in their hearts, we miscarried.  This is now the hardest part, waiting for my body to recognize that the baby is no longer growing and allowing it to pass through my system.  I cannot tell you what sadness and relief will come on that day to know that it is really over, but I can assure you that God is still good.

 

I believe with all of my heart that God has, and will continue to, work this for not only our good, but hopefully for the good of those who down the road will go through similar situations.  If you can find anything in this blog I hope that it is comfort.

 

I wanted to take a minute to encourage you, whoever you are, that are also going through a tough season- whatever it may be.  Allow yourself to feel.  Have a feeling.  Embrace that feeling.  And then let it go.  The bible says to "be angry but sin not".  If these words are separated then the actual emotion of anger is not sin. Neither is sadness. Or mourning.  Or concern.  Or any other emotion that you may feel.  So feel it.  It's ok to cry, and boy don't I know it.  But at the end of your tear fest (which I have known too well this past week), pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and tell yourself that this feeling will not control you.  So when does anger or sadness turn to sin?  When we start to doubt, speak ill of others, gossip, allow hate or bitterness to enter or heart, or any other thing that the bible speaks of.  But believe me, you can get angry without doing any of those things!  And shoot fire, I'm ANGRY!

 

You HAVE emotions, but you don't have to BE them.  We have the reaction of anger when circumstances (or people) come against us but we choose to allow it to turn into hatred.  We have the reaction of sadness when bad news comes, but we choose to allow it to consume our lives and turn into full blown depression.  But if this is true, so is the opposite.  Something can bring me joy, but it is my choice to live happy.  I choose to BE happy.  Yes, I may be heartbroken, yes I may even take a day or two to grieve (or throw some rocks at a wall- don't judge me, Jesus flipped over tables when he got angry), but I will still choose to be happy because it is my choice. 

 

So friend... let's choose... choose to speak faith, choose to keep our head up, choose to keep trusting our God who is always faithful.  I don't understand- but that's ok- I still trust. I still have faith.  I am still happy.  To be or not to be (happy), its up to you.

Proverbs 3:5

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;

What is this?!

On our last date night my husband took me to one of my favorite restaurants, Mimi's Cafe! They have an amazing brunch menu but I've never been for dinner and that's exactly when we went. As we looked through the menu I remember thinking I wanted one of everything but alas I settled on an old favorite- Chicken Marsala! We get our meals and they were fantastic, Rich looked down at his plate poking his food and asked "What is this creep made out of?... Oh, I mean this crap?" It took everything in me not to roll out of the booth from laughing so hard, "oh, you mean your CREPE?" I responded. It is safe to say that my husband is not a foodie, good thing he married me so he wouldn't really have to eat cr... I mean... Bad food!

I love to bake and I know exactly what you need to make a crepe, but even with Rich's lack of knowledge in this particular area it didn't keep him from enjoying his delicious food. Because he trusted that the cook did know and that was good enough for him, answers or not!

A couple weeks ago we surprisingly found out that we were expecting a third little blessing. It was a shock to say the least but we were excited nonetheless. Then it came time for my 8 week check up appointment. On Monday my doctor told me that she didn't see a baby. My body was pregnant she agreed but it could be a false pregnancy. My world was a little shaken by the news. She wanted to make sure and sent me for another appointment to the radiology office where an ultrasound showed a baby at 6 weeks (when my uterus was at 8 weeks) with no heartbeat. I would love to say I held it together, and I did until I got into my car. I sat there in the parking lot crying my eyes out, not just begging but pleading with the Lord to do something. My husband so graciously met me by the back door when I arrived home and let me weep in his arms while I tried to gather my thoughts.

One minute I am grieving the loss of a baby and the next my doctor calls to tell me that there is a small chance the baby could still be ok. What the what?! My bloodwork came back "positive" (whatever that means) and I had to set up an appointment for Monday to check to see if the baby has grown. I sit here a confused woman holding on to the glimmer of hope that this baby will be ok and I'm reminded of that date night. You see, I don't know why things happen or how things will turn out, but I trust the One who is working it all together. That's what Romans 8:28 says that He "WORKS all things for our good". Flour by itself is NOT good, baking powder would make you sick, but I trust that the One putting them all together knows just how to WORK them and add the necessary ingredients to make a delicious crepe.

This is not a sob story, it is a story I wanted to share with all of you I consider friends and family. And if you can take anything from it, I hope you will remember this... That you won't always get the answer you hope for, you won't always understand, but you will ALWAYS be looked after to take every rotten situation and work it for your benefit. So here I still sit.  Confused. Saddened. Hopeful. Saying the same thing that Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego did in Daniel chapter 3- My God will save me (come through for me , work a miracle for me) and even if He doesn't... I will still trust that this too will one day be worked for my good.  Keep trusting my friends.  He hasn't forgotten about me and He will surely not forget about you.

 

 

Proverbs 3:5

"Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart

and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding."

Do you know?

Last month we moved into this lovely little home and even though we were only moving five minutes away, it still meant we had to pack the entire house and enlist a few willing friends to help load the storage bins in and out of the huge U-Haul truck.  In the process of this move I may or may not have fallen off of a table, which I believe I have mentioned in a previous post so I suppose you now assume it as fact.  You would be correct in your assumption, yes, yes I did fall.  I fell so hard in fact that I had one large bruise that expanded from one shoulder across my chest to the other arm, so dark that it would be impossible not to notice it.  I say this to preface my next story.  Just remember... giant bruise...

 

I had used the last diaper one morning and had completely forgotten about it until the smell of something most awful was coming from my unsuspecting sweet-faced baby boy.  In a mad dash I threw my hair in a ponytail and ran out the door without my face done up with makeup (which always brings on a number of "concerned" comments which I find to be quite amusing).  I raced around the store with my two boys until we found the baby section, tossed the diapers in the cart and jolted to the front hoping that we wouldn't be in one spot long enough for anyone to smell what had to be the worst combination of digested foods to make such a stink that had a category all of it's own.  I opted for self check out to further prevent being in the store longer, with no avail.  It wouldn't scan and the cashier walked over to help.  She looked at me and then at the boys.  Making awkward conversation she looked at Michael and asked, "so how old are you?".  His response... wait for it... here it comes... "I'm four"... I wish I could say that he ended it there but he didn't... "But one day I'll be big like daddy and he won't BEAT me".  Yep.  He just said that.  Now remember that bruise.  I rest my case. 

 

All I could think was, hold off on the phone call to CPS please- you'd have to know Michael to understand.  You see, Michael is 4.  The most competitive 4 year old I have ever met. There is nothing in our daily routine that isn't considered a race in his eyes; brushing teeth, getting dressed, eating, cleaning... NOTHING!  So while it may look like we are a battered family, and my son may make comments about "beating" I can assure you that there is no such thing going on.  But, you would have to KNOW Michael to really understand.

 

Have you ever thought what it looks like to others when you say that you believe in a God who sent His Son to DIE for us?  I can just imagine people thinking what a cruel thing to do, sacrificing a perfect man for an innumerable amount of imperfect people.  Not only that but now there are all kind of crazy doctrines floating around and sometimes I just want to scream "that is not the character of God, He wouldn't do that!".  Yes, He sent His Son.  He knew that was the only way to gain relationship back with you and I.  It is the greatest expression of love that I have ever seen.  It is not cruel.  It was, I can assure you, the last thing that God would ever want to do.  No parent willingly sacrifices their only child unless it was the absolute only way.  You'd have to KNOW Him though to understand. 

 

The things people say about God "hating homosexuals" (notice I didn't say homosexuality) or "predestining some to spend an eternity in Hell" just turns my stomach.  YOU HAVE IT ALL WRONG!  My friend, please read your bible!  With all of the love I can muster in my heart I plead that any belief you make in your heart about the character of God is derived directly from the Word of God.  He loves unconditionally. Nothing can separate us from the love of God but many things can separate us from a relationship with Him and that is where we get in trouble.  When we are out of relationship with Him we are at the mercy of our own assumptions about His ways.  Think of it in relation with your own life, until you get to know a person do you not assume what their character is like by their actions and what others say about them?  Maybe I am the only guilty one but it is dangerous ground.  So please, stop thinking God is mad at you or hates you sweet friend.  And please stop believing that He can hate anyone else.  Spend some time getting to know Him and you'll see that He thinks the world of you and I!

 

 

John 3:16-17

^"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son,

that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world,

but that the world through Him might be saved."

 

Do Something...

Last month our youth group was challenged to give "Change for Change" in our "Be The Change" series.  Rich and I had talked beforehand about who God had placed on our heart and without hesitation we both came to the conclusion that we would love to bless a family in our church who's son needed yet another heart surgery at the tender age of 3.  His name is Micah Ward and he not only rocks a sweet and courageous spirit, but also an extra chromosome.  This beautiful little boy is one of the many in this great nation who was born with down syndrome.

 

I can't imagine the feelings an expectant mother would feel when being told that her child would be born with special needs or even the pressure she would face from well meaning doctors who think that they can "solve the problem" by terminating a life.  I can't imagine the hardships not only financially but in so many other areas that raising this child would bring.  But I can tell you that I am so thankful for families who rise to the occassion to show the world how incredibly beautiful life can be when you have a child with down syndrome.  These families are my heroes.

 

This past month was such a blessing for my husband and I not only because we were able to "share the burden" (like I talked about in my last post) but also because we had the opportunity to see students go above and beyond to help someone in need.  Whoever said that teenagers were selfish, never met the teenagers we have the opportunity of seeing on a weekly basis!  One jr higher sold an iPod that she had won to help raise money while another student had spent the entire month collecting cans, raising almost half of the contest money herself.  These teenagers are some of the best around.  I am so thankful to be their youth pastor.  These students are my heroes.

 

I don't know what causes you to rise up and speak out but abortion is one of those topics that makes me well up in tears and clench my fists at the same time.  Whether your child would have a special need or not, it is a baby, a gift from the Lord Himself and there is nothing "wrong" with them.  Whether you or a friend have dealt with this issue I pray that you fight against the cultural pressures of abortion and see the situation as God sees it.  There are options my friends, and abortion isn't one of them.  You can do it, I promise that you can do it!  And if raising this child is out of the question, I know so many loving familes that would be more than thrilled to welcome them into their home.  Please, I beg of you, give this precious little one a chance.

 

This morning my husband and I watched a touching story about a father who faced all of the pressures known to those who have children with down syndrome and I couldn't help but cry (to watch his heart wrenching interview, click on the link here...Pushing Paisley... A father's story).  This amazing little girl was given a chance, despite her father's wishes, and an amazing story was birthed out of it.  I know this post is different from most that I have written but I believe with all of my heart that God has called us to speak for those who can't.  I challenge you to find a cause and fight for it!   It has been said that "all it takes for evil to succeed is for good men (or women) to do nothing".  So... Let's DO SOMETHING!!!!
 

 

Hebrews 13:16

And don’t forget to do good and to share with those in need.

These are the sacrifices that please God.