What High School PE taught me about Life

I would like to open this blog up by first saying that I am the queen of two left feet, invisible obstacles, and hand-eye UNcordination.  And if there were ever a perfect time to start having panic attacks, high school PE was it for me. 

 

I was not the girl who could play every single sport and had to weigh out each year which she would have time in her busy schedule to devote herself to.  I was not even the girl who could play one sport.  I was the girl who woke up before the sun to go to marching band practice- and chose an instrument I didn’t even have to march with. I was that girl.  So PE… yea… no… just no.

 

My sophomore year of high school I had the pinnacle of physical education teachers.  It was his life.  HIS LIFE.  And I have never been more embarrassed in all of mine. 

 

To give you a picture of what that class looked like for me, let me start by saying he never called me by my first name but rather referred to me as “Benbow” for the entirety of the year.  Yes, my maiden name was Benbow (not to be mistaken with Bimbo) and you can only imagine the utter joy I felt as I heard it screamed each day.  Especially since I was SO GOOD at everything and “Benbow” was immediately followed up with “constructive criticisms” that felt more like public flogging than anything.  It was horrible and every day I would have to use any bit of strength I had left to fight back tears as my self-esteem fell lower and lower. 

 

High school PE.

 

I just knew it would be the death of me.

 

Watching my son start teeball brings back all too many memories of when I would strike out inning after inning in our softball unit.  Not just for the first day, but for every day.  Every day that was until the last one.  On the last day I had finally made contact with the ball… twice.  It shocked more than just me.  My teacher, who was so used to telling me how I was doing it wrong, was now walking over to me with a ball and pen.  I’m not sure if he was mocking me as he had me sign my name, but when he handed it to me to take home I stood a little taller.  I finally did it.  I finally hit the ball.  I finally knew what it was like to succeed after failing time and time again.  And even if it was a joke, the joke was on him as I walked off of the campus that day with a piece of school property in my backpack.

 

I don’t know about you but I am tired of hearing, “practice makes perfect”.  Because it doesn’t.  Perfection is something I killed myself trying to reach for years and after all of this time, a few victories and a lot of defeats later, I am waving the white flag and saying “I give up”. 

 

I give up on having this unrealistic expectation that if I do it “enough”, or work hard “enough” then I will be something that no one on this earth besides Jesus has ever been… perfect.  The only thing that practice does is make you better than you were yesterday.

 

Maybe you missed that so instead of you going back to read it I will just write it again. 

The only thing that practice does...
 is make you better than you were yesterday. 

 

And that my friends is what high school PE taught me about life.  That I will fail time and time again, but as long as I am even one iota better than I was yesterday then at least I am traveling in the right direction. 

 

Psalm 106:3 says “how blessed are those who keep justice, who practice righteousness at all times!”  I want you to realize something that could be of the most significance to you and how you decide to live your life; Righteousness is something we practice, it is not something we achieve.  We are humans and as such no matter how good we are, we are never worthy enough to be considered righteous.  That is why Jesus had to come.  Not because we are righteous, but because we are sinful. Righteousness is a continual act of work.  It is a daily choice.  It is not a destination.  But in choosing it day after day, moment after moment, we will be better than we have ever been before.  Not perfect, but better.

 

I am not a professional ball player.  I am not even a veteran high school ball player.  And to be completely frank I am not and never could be a coach for a bunch of five year old ball players.  But I did it.  I hit the ball.  Twice.  And keep this in mind if you are ever feeling like a complete and utter failure… no matter how often even professionals, who are paid millions to hit balls, practice; they still fail more than they succeed.  So try again.  You can do it.

 

Proverbs 24:16

"For a righteous man falls seven times and rises again"

 

 

Run And Don't Look Back!

It has been said that “if you set yourself on fire, the world will come to watch you burn.”  If you’ve been to San Francisco you will realize that this is so true, and it takes much… MUCH… less to cause people to stop and take notice.

 

Last summer I had the privilege of mentoring a young girl for an entire month on purity.  We had met a few times for picnics, walks, and such but I decided that our last talk should take place on a train to San Fran.  We would talk, shop, walk (I only add that because it rhymes- and there was a lot of it) and admire the beauty that is the ocean- it would be a great day I was sure of it. 

 

Once we had arrived we set our sights on Pier 39. After getting some delicious donuts, window shopping in some of the cutest shops, getting utterly creeped out by a store filled with everything made from alpaca hair, and being unable to find a place to admire the ocean view due to our untimely visit during the AmericaCup- we found ourselves in front of that little stage.  I am sure you know the one.  There have been many a performers to grace it and that day was no exception.

 

Standing near the back we attempted to blend in with the background so as to not make a fuss if we decided to move on.  And of course this plan failed horrendously when the performer set eyes on this lovely girl I had brought and drew everyone’s attention as he instructed us to sit in the front row.  So we did.  We sat there.  It wasn’t what we wanted but to not cause a commotion we did it.

 

And that is when I failed her as a mentor… Not too long into the act our now new dear friend the performer decided to marry this young girl off.  The only thing I could think was- oh, great.  Her parents entrusted me to talk with her about purity and my genius brain takes her to San Fran and gets her married in one day.  It was incredibly awkward watching the man beside her enter into a forced proposal (of course I am sure he wasn’t completely unwilling) and at the first opportunity of attention diverted, I grabbed her hand and whispered “run, and don’t look back”.

So we did.  We ran.

 

This past weekend I had the honor of celebrating this beautiful girl’s “rite of passage” (which is a bit like a Jewish bat mitzvah) and this memory flooded my mind.   I could feel myself smiling ear to ear recalling all that had happened that day.  And in my one last opportunity to impart as much as I could to her, I left her with what I want to leave you all with today-

 

Run, and don’t look back.

 

It is not only God who has a plan for your life, but the world has one too. 

 

Often times we find ourselves in situations when we sit down so-to-speak, not because we want to but because we know we would ruffle a few feathers if we decided not to.  The world imposes its will on us and to keep the peace we do exactly as they say.  We follow the story they’ve written out for us to the “T”.  We don’t just tolerate, we celebrate things that don’t align with God’s word because it is just plain easier.  We don’t want to stand out; we want to be accepted, so we sit down.  We bow to culture, media, and the overwhelming desire to be liked and in that moment the world’s plan wins.

 

The bible instructs us on our desire to be liked- it says sometimes we won’t be. Not always anyway.  OUCH!  I don’t like that at all.  I want people to like me.  We all do.  But if we are looking to this world for its acceptance we will be utterly disappointed.  Following the world’s plan will be fun for a season, maybe even a few seasons but I can guarantee you that it will not turn out well for you.  I have watched so many girls get swept away in it all only to find them years down the road lost and confused.  Just think of it like the island on Pinocchio.  It looks like fun.  And it is… until it’s not.  Until everything that was promised- love and acceptance- turns out to be a horrid conditional imitation of the real thing.

 

So run girls.  Run and don’t look back.  Seek God for His plan for your life.  As someone who has followed His voice even through the most opposing of times, I can tell you that it is so SO worth it. 

 

 

 

2 Timothy 2:22-26

²² Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. ²³ But refuse foolish and ignorant speculations, knowing that they produce quarrels. ²⁴ The Lord’s bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged, ²⁵ with gentleness correcting those who are in opposition, if perhaps God may grant them repentance leading to the knowledge of the truth, ²⁶ and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, having been held captive by him to do his will.

 

Galatians 1:10

¹⁰ Now am I trying to win the favor of men, or of God? Do I seek to please men? If I were still seeking popularity with men, I should not be a bond servant of Christ (the Messiah).

Who moved?

We live in a magical land of disappearing mountains…  I wish I was kidding. 

 

We are fifteen minutes, at most, from the bottom of the Sequoia’s and on a good day I can see them from my front yard; giant, glorious, snow-capped mountains.  And then there are the other 6 days of the week that I step outside and all I can see is the sky.  And by “sky” all I mean is the color blue.  Which is far less exciting.

 

I have to say unless you are from the Central Valley this concept is a bit foreign and irrational.  The only way a phenomenon like this could take place is well… in a Disney movie.  Mountains don’t just disappear.  They can’t be here one day and not the next.  They are mountains for goodness’ sake. 

 

But, there are two things I am certain of…

 

I haven’t moved.  I am in the same city, in the same house, with the same front yard. 

 

And, the mountains haven’t moved.  They didn’t wake up one day and decide to reside on some other plain until God Himself decides they should relocate, so come Hell or Noah-high water, they are there.

 

These two factors are not up for debate.  They are constant, unchangeable.  Therefore the only possible thing standing in the way of my beautiful mountain-view, is the sky. 

 

And in this case specifically, the smog in the sky.  It’s tricky and blends in with its’ surroundings.  You wouldn’t even know that it was there except for the fact that it alters the appearance of things familiar to me causing me to try my best to explain to visitors that although it may not look like it now, there are in fact mountains in our skyline.  And when I see their eyes roll a little- or their courtesy head nod- I say more boldly, “no, I promise, they are there!  It may not look like it today, or maybe even tomorrow, but they are there!”       

 

Have you ever tried to convince someone of something that you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt to be true?  

 

Or… have you yourself ever walked away from something that used to be “so clear” but has become murky and confusing?   

 

If so, I hope you can find peace in my mountains. 

 

I have been through seasons of life where I felt like God was more tangible than anything I have ever known, but I have also been through seasons when I have felt like I was completely and utterly on my own.  On the top of the mountain one day only to find myself in search of any mountain at all the next.  And in those moments I ask myself one question.  Have I moved? 

 

This question can only be answered with one of two words- yes or no… So which is it?  Are you feeling confused, uncertain, uneasy?  Have you walked away from friends, mentors, church, or even God?  Have you moved, changed, or done something to create space between when you had peace and now?  And if the answer is no, if you know that you know that you know, that you are exactly where you should be- then let me tell you something my friend.  Something that may seem confusing and absurd at first.  Something that may even be irrational… God hasn’t moved.  It may seem like it.  You may stick your head out of the window of life and be visually assured of what you believe in your heart is already true- but it’s not. 

 

He is there.  He is for you.  And He thinks the world of you.

 

Exodus 14:14 says “The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.” This verse has brought me more comfort in the last few months than any other...  I shall hold my peace.  The word they use in the Hebrew is “charash”- which literally means to be silent or keep quiet.   It is a verb, a deliberate action of controlling yourself from speaking and thus “holding” onto peace.   When I start to feel confused or uncertain of things I remind myself of this verse.  I remind myself to just stop… to trust God… to hold my tongue… and to grip down on the unchangeable truths found in the Word.  So be it smog, storm, cloud, or flood- whatever may be getting in the way of my beautiful peaceful view- I will plant myself on the solid rock of Jesus Christ until it passes by.  I will be immovable. Unshakeable.  Certain of what my eyes temporarily cannot see.  I will HOLD my peace until everything clears up again.  And my prayer for you, is that you will too.

 

 

 

 

Matthew 28:20

And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

Weird is the New Cool

When I was in the fourth grade my family moved from a small town in Central California to a city that had a grocery store just down the street, and believe me that is a notable fact especially when you once had to drive 45 minutes each way.  This move was the beginning of a lot of new things for me; a new house, a new school, new friends… and a new word that would creep into the depths of my heart and become my very identity for too long.  I wonder, just maybe, if this little word has crept into your life as well. And if it has, you are not alone.

 

* * *

 

We moved in the middle of the school year and the school I had gone to before was much further along educationally, despite our tiny town, than the one I was now seated in.  To make up for this, I was given flash cards to study while the class continued on with their daily work.  Many times during the week the teacher would ask a question and minutes would go by in complete silence until I would look up at the board, raise my hand, and give the answer only to look back down and continue on in my own little world.  I don’t say this braggingly.  In fact, it is something I wish I could forget.  I hated being that girl.  And that’s when I was first introduced to the word…  Sitting with my head down looking at my box of cards I heard a kid whisper, “she’s so weird”. 

 

Weird

 

Just seeing the word makes me want to punch something, but I digress.

 

In high school things didn’t change too much.  By my senior year I found myself eating lunch in a choir room in the back of the school, taking my own sister to my senior ball because I was the only one of my friends who hadn’t been asked.  Yes I had a few friends.  I even had great grades.  I was an intern in our youth group.  I brought ten to twenty students with me every week to church.  I was involved with marching band all four years and even made it to be a section leader.  I thought by the time my senior year rolled around I would have grown out of it but then the last school newspaper came out- the one with all of the “most likely to this” or “most that”- and I found my name…  you would think that I would have been ecstatic to have been voted for something... to have been noticed… but it wasn’t something I wanted to be known for.  “Most unique”, that is what I was voted… most unique, which I was sure was just another way of saying someone who doesn’t fit in, different, uncool, or weird.

 

Years later I still have days when I walk into a new environment and think to myself “do I fit in here?” And it is with great sadness (and joy- if that’s even possible) that I say that some days the answer will be no.  Really?  No?  Why would I be happy about that?  Why did the very word that once destroyed any ounce of self-esteem now become the thing I am most proud of?  Why wouldn’t I want to fit in?

 

Do I want to feel like I belong here?  Absolutely, we all do.  You have great purpose and BELONG just like I do.  But we shouldn’t strive to fit in.  We don’t fit.  We are square pegs trying to be shoved into tiny circle holes and being told that if we don’t conform we are weird.  (Yes, we are squares.  I said it.)  Don’t give in, don’t compromise values or your faith, don’t settle for folding in your corners to fit into a tiny space that culture will allow you to be in.  No, my friends, just no.

 

The bible says that we shouldn’t “conform to the patterns of this world, but [we should] be transformed by the renewing of our minds” (Romans 12:2).  Conformity is for faceless, nameless, robots and you beautiful girl (or kind sir… you know just in case my husband reads this) are not that.  You are weird.  Yes I said that too.  You are a weird square.  One who I hope is still reading even after all of this name calling. 

 

I want to encourage you to embrace the things that make you different.  Culture may say it’s not cool to wear turtle necks but if you love them then you just go on rocking them anyway.  Because we aren’t here to please culture.  We are here to please God.  And I hate to point it out but that will make you a “hater” sometimes, or a “hypocrite”, or just plain “weird”.  And that’s ok.  I know it doesn’t feel good, but it’s gonna be ok. 

 

If what you are doing, saying, wearing, or thinking is pleasing to God- then just keep on doing it.  He is faithful and just as He called the Israelites out of Egypt to be “separate” to lead them through the wilderness to the Promised Land, He will do the same for you.  If I could grab my 8 year old self and look her straight in the face, I would tell her it was all going to be ok.  That I made it.  That being different isn’t the worst thing that could happen.  Being the same is. 

 

So be quirky.  Crazy.  Sensational.  And for Pete's sake, be weird!

 

 

2 Corinthians 6:17

“Come out from among them and be separate, says the Lord.
Do not touch what is unclean, and I will receive you.”

Chocolate Cake is Good!

In recent conversation I found myself saying how I would love to visit New York but never live there.  As soon as the words had escaped my mouth I thought, wait… really?  Did I mean that?  Why would I say that?  New York sounds amazing!  But the more I have thought about it the more I agree with what seems to be a somewhat wise girl trapped inside this crazy body of mine. 

 

Imagine, if you will, having a momentary lapse in commitment to your newest “diet”.  We all have them.  Our “fat” days that cause us to rethink all of our food choices until that giant piece of chocolate cake is offered to us and we decide that it would be just rude to deny taking it.  Or a friend calls and has had the worst night of her life so you tell her to come over so you can both eat your feelings in a giant bowl (or carton) of ice cream.  Guilty!

 

That dessert is worth it, and delicious… but can you imagine having that dessert every day for a year?  Not just for one meal but for all meals?  I can tell you that by the end of the first day you will not want to look at another piece of cake again for the rest of your life.  Not because it isn’t good- it is- but it isn’t special anymore, it’s expected… familiar… boring.

 

Imagine if we were to assume the same thing of our friendships, churches or even our relationships with God?  Imagine taking for granted that your friends have always been there for you and allowing something small to get in between you?  Or what if the church that you used to be so excited to bring your friends to became ordinary and even you had to fight to get yourself up out of bed on a Sunday morning to go?  Or worst of all, what if God has proven Himself over and over to be faithful in your life and slowly you stop spending time with Him until one day you question if He is even there?

 

It reminds me of Samson; an imperfect man with an incredible gift from God, his strength. Beyond that Samson had something else of the greatest importance- a relationship with God.  In reading the story recorded of Samson in Judges 16 you come across one  of the most horrific statements every recorded… (vs. 20) “when he woke up, he thought, ‘I will do as before’… but he didn’t realize the Lord had left him.”

 

When something becomes routine, even the most extraordinary of things can become ordinary.  There is no other option, if we do not realize it, other than to take it for granted. 

 

Another baptism night… another testimony… another story of deliverance…

 

“But he didn’t realize the Lord had left him.” 

 

Why wouldn’t he realize?  How could he not even notice that the Lord was not with him?  More than we’d probably like to admit, we find ourselves doing the very same thing that caused Samson to wake up alone on that dreadful day… “when he woke up he thought, ‘I will do as before’…”  I will do as before.  I will do as… BEFORE.

 

I’ll just go to that one person who prayed for me.  I’ll just recite those two scriptures.  I’ll just find that one place at the altar that I felt God last.  I’ll just pat my head and rub my stomach because it worked LAST TIME.  I’ll just do as I did BEFORE.

 

God is not living in the past, and neither should our relationships with Him be.

 

My challenge today is for myself.  To look around at the relationships in my life as if it is for the first time.  To look beyond current  or past (temporary) circumstances that have been preventing me from seeing the bigger picture.  To remind myself, because we are human and we forget, how truly good God is and how blessed we really are.  To be intentional with our words and our actions.  And to not go through life flippantly expecting that things will stay the same and require no further action on our part. I will not do as I did before, but I will do something new.  Because God is chocolate cake… and chocolate cake is GOOD!

 

 

Psalm 34:8

 Taste and see that the Lord is good.  Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!

 

 

 

 

 

Isaiah 43:18-19

 Do not [earnestly] remember the former things;

 neither consider the things of old.

Behold, I am doing a new thing!

 

 

 

It's time we talk about suicide...

It’s time we talk about suicide.  It’s time we talk about it now instead of when it is too late.   In the next 24 hours almost 1,500 students will end their life.  I’ve put this heavy subject off for a while thinking it may scare a few readers away but it’s time.

 

Our first year as being youth pastors I was a bit young and naïve.  The youth group where we pastored was filled with students I myself had gone to school with, I being only two years their senior.  That year was full of curveballs and life lessons, each taken with a grain of salt.  I most often failed but knew that giving up would be so much worse than pressing on- so I pressed on.  During that first year, and the many to follow, we have faced a lot of intense issues dealing with students.  Death, drug addiction, teenage pregnancy, sexual abuse, and many more but nothing hit me harder than this one little word… suicide. 

 

There was a high school literally right across the street from our church.  That first year we served as pastors a young girl at that school took her own life.  Have you ever heard news so shocking that it literally took your breath away; as if the act of breathing had somehow changed from an involuntary response to something you had to tell your body to do to keep from falling over- in and out, in and out.  This isn't something that happens to people you know or in the city you live.  This happens to people you read about in the papers or watch on the news, but not here not now.  Could I have done anything to keep this from happening?  Could I have taken the five minutes to walk across the street?  If I had, would I have even run into her?  Would I notice her withdrawn posture, the loneliness in her eyes?  Would I have offered to sit next to her and be a friend?  Would I have listened to how the hope had left from her conversation? Could I?  Would I?

 

Last week’s blog was on regret, and this my dear friends is one of the greatest regrets I have.  I know it is a little on the absurd side to think that I would have stumbled upon her and our conversation would have led to her being with us today- but that’s the thing about regret, it always exaggerates.  It keeps us captive inside our “could haves” or “should haves” until we ourselves realize that we’ve stopped moving forward with our own lives.

 

We can’t fix it, we can’t change it, but we can be better because of it. 

 

Judas was one of the twelve disciples.  When I think of this I cannot keep from thinking that he had eleven friends he had done life with for three years.  They traveled together.  Prayed together.  Experienced miracles together.  Sat at the feet of Jesus together.  So how did this man go from a friend and disciple, to betrayer and regret-ridden hopeless man that took his own life? 

 

He had made a huge mistake and his friends deserted him.  Can I just take a minute to say that we all make mistakes.  We can say all we want that sin is equal, and it is- but only in the eyes of God.  In the eyes of man, unfortunately, it is so very unequal. 

 

Judas had betrayed the very man that had brought them all together and instead of forgiving his sin and reaching out a loving hand, they forsook him and turned their backs to flee. (Matthew 26:56) Friend-less.  Judas runs to the chiefs to try and undo what he had done only to have them respond in sarcasm, “what is that to us?” (Matthew 27:4)  Hope-less.  Judas forgets the words of Jesus in the garden, that it “must happen” (Matthew 26:54) so that the “scriptures may be fulfilled” (Matthew 26:56) and decides to end his life.  Purpose-less. 

 

If he had waited just a few weeks, Judas would have seen that his one act of betrayal was only the beginning of our beautiful redemption through Jesus Christ.  Just a few weeks.  But he was friendless, purposeless, and hopeless.  Friendless.  Purposeless.  Hopeless.

 

Girls, I share my stories with you and point out scriptures such as these so that by it we don’t feel the burden to fix it or change it, but be better because of it. 

 

Fight to be a friend.  A real friend doesn’t walk away when mistakes are made, fight for your friendship even if the one you are fighting against is yourself.  Were you hurt?  Betrayed? Forgive them.  It will probably change your relationship, but don’t abandon them! Knowing Judas would betray Him, Jesus still called him “Friend” (Matthew 26:50). 

 

Offer them hope.  No one needs their failures shoved in their face.  Believe me, they haven’t forgotten about them.  It is probably all they've thought about.  If you are to offer anything offer hope. 

 

Remind them of their purpose.  Over and over in the Bible we find that God has a unique purpose for us all and it is not something that gets thrown to the wayside when we sin.  We are still worthy.  Still called. 

 

If you know someone battling depression or suicide be "FOR" them-  Fight to be a friend, Offer them hope and Remind them of their purpose. 

 

And if you are someone who is struggling with it yourself, let me be your friend!  Don't give up, press through.  You have purpose and there is hope!  I know life gets hard sometimes, I know it seems all so very overwhelming but there are brighter days ahead.  I promise you, as one who has been where you are now, it gets better.  God has great things in store for you, just hold on.

 

 

 

 

 

Hebrews 6:18-19

¹⁸ So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. ¹⁹ This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls.

I should have helped

At the end of 2013, my husband and I had an “open house” night for students, friends, and family to say their goodbyes before we moved to Visalia, CA.   It was an emotional night to say the least but it was full of love and laughter.  When things had started to wind down, I noticed Rich had a certain look in his eye.  I hadn’t seen this look in quite a while.  It wasn’t anything you’d expect on a night like this.  It wasn’t sadness, although you can be sure that there was sadness in the room.  It wasn’t love, although there was much of that also.  No… it was the eye of someone who was planning something both great and horrific.  A particular young girl had been provoking Rich all night, all year really at the youth group, and the prankster that he had made dormant for many years was about to rear its ugly head.

 

I am not one for pranks, I feel way too bad afterward, but my husband on the other hand is the king.  He’s done some pretty extreme things in years past (nothing that was unprovoked, would harm another person and all in good fun) and that night wouldn’t disappoint.  

 

After dumping two giant cups of freezing cold water on her, a few guys had wrestled her out the front door and locked it behind her; Rich of course waiting in the front yard with a hose to spray her down.  And spray her down he did.  She was SOAKED.  It made for a lot of laughs and some great memories but the thing that caught me off guard the most did not come from my husband at all, it came from my little five year old. 

 

Hearing the commotion Michael had put on his Spiderman costume and ran into the room screaming “Super-Michael is here”.  Upon seeing the boys wrestle the girl out the door; Michael turned back and ran into my bedroom where I later found him hiding behind my bed.   When I realized that he was hiding I crouched down to see what was wrong and all he kept saying was “I should have helped her”. 

 

My heart was filled with sadness, looking into the eyes of my son who was so full of regret that he had to hide.  I never want him to feel that way again but I know that it is a part of life.

 

When I was a sophomore in high school I was invited to junior prom with a boy that had been a mutual friend of friends for many years.  It was a great night; I got dressed up, did the typical “I’ll have a salad” for dinner at the nice restaurant, and away we went to the school to take pictures and stand awkwardly to the side like most sheltered horrified introverted girls my age.  At the end of the night I faked feeling ill so he’d take me home, and I went to bed.  Super exciting I know.

 

Just one year later, this boy had become more of a friend.  We weren’t incredibly close but he was really nice and such a gentlemen.  The night of his graduation he stayed up all night and never woke up the next day.  I remember hearing the news saying to myself, “I should have asked if he knew God, I had spent enough time with him that I should have asked.”

 

For weeks I beat myself up, he was gone and I would never have another chance.

 

I share these two stories with you for a few reasons.  Often times we act like Michael did the night of our party.  We see an injustice happening, get ourselves all ready, pump ourselves up with tons of scriptures, and then seeing the magnitude of the situation- we run and hide, only to recite a list of I should have’s later on.  Even if we contribute in a small amount to the situation we never call it enough.  I should have… I should have…

 

We are human, we fail… A LOT.  Think of Judas, he walked with Jesus for 3 years and ended up betraying Him in the garden for thirty pieces of silver.  In Matthew 27 we find Judas full of remorse, bringing the pieces of silver back to the chief priests in hopes of finding some way, begging to find any way, to undo what he had done.  Can you imagine the regret that was in his heart?  The thoughts of “I should have” that plagued him?  It was so unbearable that Judas realizing he couldn’t take it back took his own life.

 

If you have walked through a situation that left you full of “I should have’s” then I have three things to say to you…

 

Can you change it? Is it possible for you to travel back in time and change what was done?  No.  It is with great sadness that we must conclude that everything that we do cannot be taken back.  We can’t change what was done.  We can’t go back and encourage instead of bully, speak up instead of keeping silent, say no instead of saying yes, go to church instead of going to the party… or even help instead of hide from the girl about to be doused in water.  I can’t go back in time and ask my friend if he knew God, ask if he had a relationship with Him.  With everything in me I wish that I could.  But we can’t.  Judas knew this all too well.

 

Can you fix it?  Is there something you can do to help bring restoration to the situation?  Maybe.   For me, there is nothing I can do because my friend is gone but for most of you there is something you can do.  You can apologize if there’s someone to apologize to, or seek help and accountability.  For you lucky few there is definitely no way to change it but there may be a way to fix it.  And if there is… DO IT!!!  But understand that some things will not and can not be fixed despite your best efforts.  It doesn’t mean that you don’t try, even if it is never enough for the other person- try anyway.  Judas tried to fix it, tried to give the silver back but it wasn’t enough to save Jesus from being beaten, mocked and crucified on the cross. 

 

Can you be better because of it?  Is there a lesson to learn that you can decide within yourself that from here on out you will be different?  YES!!! After attending my friend’s funeral I knew that I was not anyone’s Savior, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t reach out to my friend’s.  I started bringing friends to church and talking to people about God.  Not in a preachy way, where I felt the burden to see them all accept Christ.  No, I understood that I was just a vessel for God to use and I would live my life in a way that brought Him glory.  And if He did open a door for me to use words, I took it.  I knew I couldn’t change what happened, and I couldn’t fix it, but I could be better because of it. 

 

I wish that Judas could have understood this too.  If he had, he would have lived long enough to see Jesus come back from the dead and make a way for us all to live with Him in eternity.  He was so plagued by his past that he deprived himself of a future.

 

If you are reading this and you are struggling with an “I should have” of your own, I beg of you to let it go.  You can’t change it, you can try to fix it, but you can and WILL be better because of it.  Press on.  Forgive yourself and press on.  Tomorrow is a brighter day. 

 

 

Acts 2:25-26

²⁵ King David said this about him: ‘I see that the Lord is always with me.
    I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. ²⁶ No wonder my heart is glad,
    and my tongue shouts his praises! My body rests in hope.

 

 

**Regret is the great thief of joy, but hope will restore it back to you.**